In ALL Circumstances

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

~1 Thessalonians 5:18

I feel like I should have something profound to say. But, I don't.
How does someone do what happened in Newtown, CT yesterday?
How can we live in a world where this is possible?
Why did this happen at Christmas?
Why so many children?
These are just a few of the questions that are running through my brain.
And I have no answers...

And the events of yesterday have stirred up so many things inside of me. Feelings that I keep buried. Feelings that God and I have to deal with a little bit at a time. I've cried and cried and cried some more for 20 families I do not know.

Unfortunately, I do know what it feels like to send your child to school and never see them alive again. I do know what it feels like to wonder how much pain they were in and if they suffered. I do know what it's like to know that you will never have a single "normal "moment in your life again.  And I do know the long, painful road ahead of these families.  They may think this is the worst of it, but it's not. The worst comes when the shock wears off. The day you wake up and realize this is all real, that your child is really gone. THAT is the worst day.

I wish I could get on a plane, go to CT and hug each and every parent. I wish I could hold them individually and pray for them as only a parent who has been there can do.  My heart truly hurts for them. My mind just can't stop thinking about the pain these families are feeling.

As I tried to go to sleep last night, I was thinking of them. At that point, they knew in their hearts what had happened to their children, but it had not been "officially" confirmed.  They were waiting and waiting to hear the most horrific news you can hear. And suddenly I was filled with thanks.  Chip and I did not have to wait and wonder. We knew quickly what had happened to Matthew. Within a couple of hours, we were able to see and touch Matthew.  The parents in CT had to wait until today for that.  As hard as it was, we needed to see our son. We needed to touch him to even begin processing what was happening. Our suffering was real, still is real, but it could have been so much worse. Eventually we found out that Matthew did not suffer. We were able to hear an account of how he died and know that it was peaceful.  The parents in CT may never get that.  I can relate to some of what 20 families are going through, but in many ways, I have no idea. I thank God for HIS mercy and that HE showed it to us in the darkest moments of our lives.

I am hugging Will a little tighter. I know all parents are doing the same with their children. I thank God for him. I thank God that he makes me a little crazy (like only a teenager can!).  I thank God for his sense of humor, his smile and how he makes me laugh like no one else can.

Then tonight, the list of ages and names was released. It occurred to me, it's more than 20 mommas and daddies. The adults killed were so young. Most of them probably have living parents who are facing the unthinkable as well.

So much heartache. And yet I remember...

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

~Romans 8:28 

What the good from this will be...I HAVE NO IDEA! But THE Great and Mighty Savior does have a plan. This I KNOW.

So while we ache for these families and the questions remain, I urge all believers:

Do not just say you are praying for these families and this community, DO IT! You have no idea how powerful the prayers of brothers and sisters of Christ are for grieving parents. This is the time to pray without ceasing. When I could not find any words to say to God, I knew somewhere out there, someone could find the words and was praying for my family.  It's the simplest, yet most powerful thing we can do to help.  Praise God, we can do something, we can make a difference.

a note of Thanks...

This week is the beginning of the most difficult time of the year for me.  Thanksgiving and Christmas are so bittersweet without my Matthew. His death has taught me to treasure my time with our families so much more than I did before. But at the same time, it makes me miss Matthew so much more.

He loved family time. And his absence feels so much bigger when we're all together -

and there's no Matthew...

As soon as we get through the holidays, it's January and we face the anniversary of his death.

So, the next two months are really, really tough!

But this time also reminds me of something great.  

One of the many gifts God has given us through this journey-

The gift of friendship...

And it is a precious gift!!!

I know there are many of you who continue to lift us up in prayer. Believe me when I say we have felt it and we still feel it.  God is using you in such a powerful way to minister to my family.  

I could never say it enough, but

THANK YOU!!!

So, tonight on Thanksgiving Eve, the night before one of the hardest days of the year for me, I am giving thanks for you. Our faithful, wonderful friends and family who have not been afraid of our grief. Who have wrapped us in love. Who have lifted us up and encouraged us. Who have been the literal hands and feet of God.

Happy Thanksgiving. 

Enjoy every moment with your family. 

And thank you for being there for my family!!!

I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers.

~Ephesians 1:16

Until the Day

I'm often still amazed to hear the impact Matthew had on the lives of others.  Even now, over two and a half years after his death, people still stop me to tell me the impression he has made on their lives.  Of course our family thinks he was wonderful, but it's a blessing to see how much of a difference he made for others.  His kind and loving heart made a difference in this world and even in his absence, his legacy lives on.

These thoughts led me to a scripture in the book of Philippians...

In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy  because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now,  being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

~Philippians 1:4-6

Something jumped off the page of my Bible reading this and I learned another lesson from my little boy.  "Until the day of Christ Jesus".  The phrase "until the day" made me think deep.  Our work on earth is not just for our time that we are here.  I think God's plan is for our work to live on long after we do. This scripture says the completion comes when Jesus does.  Hmmmmmmm...

So, as I carry on in my day to day life, what legacy am I leaving? Am I living in such a way that God's work in me will live on long after I do? That's a tough task. Since Matthew's death, my goal has been for God to use his story, me and our family for HIS glory.  But, I have never thought about it outliving us.  That task just got a littler tougher as I am realizing that God wants to use us not just now, but until HIS return.

I am inspired by my gone but not forgotten 11 year old. If he can make an eternal impact in his short life, can't we all? As believers aren't we called too???  Matthew has taught me many lessons.  I miss him so very much, but in many ways he is still with me.  His little life still impacts me and others daily.  I want my life to do that.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that God did not take all four of us, HE took one of us. Each day we wake up, HE has a plan for us.  Slowly I'm beginning understand what the lasting effects of that plan can be, if I allow HIM to lead the way.

Deep, deep thoughts...

I love how my Matthew still does that to me!   

   

Broken Dreams

Broken dreams...
Something I know all too much about.

Over the past few years I've had to let go of almost all my dreams for my children, myself and my family. Our world has been totally flipped upside down.  One little second in time changed everything...

So this weekend the reality of broken dreams has come to my attention again. Friday it was someone I know, care about, and want the best for.  She was faced with the reality of things not working out the way she had planned and having to reroute her track.  Then Saturday, my Gamecock loving house watched as the beloved Marcus Lattimore had his plans rerouted by one play.  Again one second that changed everything. Obviously, I do not know him personally. But I do know he is a outstanding, Christian athlete and I couldn't help but wonder, "why?".  Then today, the broken dreams hit a little closer to home, with one of the people I love most in the world.  I can't share the details, but I can say I feel helpless and want to make it all better.

Broken dreams. We all have them. I can't imagine there is anyone who hasn't had to let go and give up on something they wanted.  So, what do you do when all you've hoped and planned for is no longer a reality?

Well, the way I see it, there are two options. You let it eat at you and destroy you or you give it to God and let HIM rebuild you.  Sounds so simple, huh?!?  Yeah, right!!!

I'm still struggling everyday to give it all completely to God.  There have been so many set backs. Every time I think my family has turned the corner, it seems another set back arrives.  Yet, when I stop and look at the big picture, when I look at the entire journey from January 22, 2010 to today...
I see the beautiful hand of God at work in our lives. I see HIM rebuilding our broken family to use for HIS glory. I see HIM restoring us as a family unit. I see HIM moving us in a direction I would never have imagined for us.  I see HIS plan unfolding, a little bit at a time.  

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.

~Ephesians 3:20

But I have to stop, be still, listen and let God show me these things.  When I am caught up in the moment of a set back, all I see is broken dreams and frustration.  God is always doing HIS part.  I just get so caught in myself, I don't notice. 

I'm growing closer to HIM. I'm learning to lean on HIM and not to panic (the key word is learning...I haven't completely succeeded in that yet!). But, I'm stronger than I was. I'm more confident than I was. And I am trusting God more than I was.

Complete surrender is so hard to do. I don't know as humans if we are truly capable of complete surrender.  When we are having to let our plans give way to HIS plans can be the hardest time to surrender, or at least it is for me.  And to add to that, God will only reveal a little bit at a time. We don't get to know the whole plan.  What a bummer! Wouldn't it be great if we could see exactly where God was leading us? Instead, we are called on to trust and be guided in blind faith.

So, the next time you face a broken dream, be it big or little, I'm asking you to stop and give God a chance to lead. You just need to follow.  Even when we can't see what HE's doing, HE is always working for our best. We can't see the big picture, but HE knows it all...
beginning, middle and end!

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

~Jeremiah 29:11

Bound on Earth, Connected for Eternity

There are soooooooo many things I miss about Matthew. I couldn't even begin to name them all...I think the list would just go on and on. There are the obvious things like his smile and the sound of his voice. Then there are the things that would only be special to me.  For example, the smell of his hair. It rarely smelled good. Many times he would get out of the shower only to hear me say, "Matthew, get back in there and use soap this time" (in my best mom voice). But, when Matthew hugged me, his head fit right under my chin. So, as I would bend down to kiss the top of his blond head, with his arms wrapped tightly around me, the smell of his hair filled my world. That is why I miss his smelly boy hair. It may seem silly to some, but it's a precious memory to me. 

I really could go on and on, the list is endless. However, without a doubt, one of the things I miss the most, is my two boys together. Being the mom of two boys is exhausting. You have to constantly try to stay one step ahead of two mischievous, creative minds. But for me it was one of the most beautiful gifts God ever gave me.

I remember clearly the moment I found out our second child was another boy. There really was no surprise. As many of you know, a Bellamy girl is a rare occurrence! I began to pray right then, with a full bladder and ultrasound goop still on my belly, that God would forge an unbreakable bond between these two brothers that would call me "mommy".  I asked God to give them a relationship like Chip has with his brothers.  God answered my prayer.  If you knew my boys together, you know what I mean.  They were quite a pair!

I loved listening to them laugh together. I loved hearing them play together. I loved the things they "plotted" together.  I love the way Will protected Matthew. I love the way Will taught Matthew.  I love the way they would fight until Chip and I would intervene, then they turned on us!  I love their silliness. So many things...

Will and Matthew spent so much time together. They did so many things together. They were bonded to the core. And I miss it! I miss "them"!

Learning to live without his other half has not been easy for Will. It is something he will deal with for the rest of his earthly life.  He has had many battles. So many times, when I have been unable to say or do the right thing for him, I have wished (deeply) that Matthew was here for him.  

Will was an amazing Big Brother for 11 years. And he still is. He carries Matthew with him. I love the way he protects his brother's memory. His eyes sparkle when he talks about Matthew. He lovingly shares memories. He works on things for the Matthew Project, in his on way, with pride to honor his brother. I don't think he even knows it, but Will is still taking care of his little brother everyday. I just wish it was in a physical, literal way.  I pray that he will continue to trust God and be guided by HIM in what he is to do with his memories, pain & grief.

This is my favorite picture of my boys...

It's probably obvious to you why I love it. 

But what you don't see is that they were pressing their heads together, 

trying to push the other one over. 

I just happened to snap my camera at the right moment

capturing a beautiful picture of my boys. 

It's the playfulness that only I knew of in this moment that miss until it hurts sometimes.

How does a mother's heart EVER  stop missing this?!?

I know that one day, they will see each other in heaven and it will be as if they were never apart.  WHAT a GLORIOUS day that will be!!!

The bond forged on earth, will live on for eternity.

God gave them to me once, HE will do it again.

But for now, I just miss it!!!

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows 

~James 1:17

My precious boys,

I love you both so much more than you can ever know. Even when the pain is great, I am reminded it is temporary.  I praise God for choosing me to be your mommy, blessing me with sweet memories of you together and promising me an eternity with you!

You truly are God's greatest earthly blessings to me.

Mommy

The Angels By My Side

There are some very special people in my life. They are dear Christian friends who have been there for my family through the really tough times. Most of them are women, but there are a few men too. They come from different age groups and backgrounds. Some have been in my life a long time and some were mere acquaintances when Matthew died. They all have one thing in common though. God has used them in a mighty way for the last two years and nearly 8 months.

Francesca Battistelli has a song entitled "Angel By Your Side" that perfectly describes what these treasured friends are to me.  Each time I hear it, I am reminded of how God has blessed me by providing comfort, support, laughter, perspective, and so much more through this wonderful group of people. In many ways they have been the literal hands, feet and voice of God to me.

I can't tell you how many times I've had someone tell me they were compelled to pray for me at a certain time. It never fails that it was a time I desperately needed someone to pray for me. I love how God works that way.  After Matthew died, I had trouble sleeping for a very long time. We all did.  Then one day I woke up and realized I had slept through the night. The next Sunday at church, a new friend told me that on that very night she woke from a sound sleep with the urging to pray for me. She did so for hours...and I slept through the night for the first time in months. Friends, that is not coincidence, that is THE Holy Spirit at work!

I have my prayer warriors that I can call on at any hour to pray for a specific need. And I know  without a doubt, they do. Now, as I am becoming stronger, I am discovering great blessings in being able to do the same for them.  I love these women and the bond that has formed. I can't imagine my life without them. 

So tonight, I just want to say "Thank You!" Thank you to all those angels who have walked so closely with Chip, Will, and me through this. You can never know how much you mean to me. I'm sure there will still be many times I will call out to you for help...this is a life long journey.  However, it is great comfort to know you will be there. I have learned the value of true friendship. It is a priceless gift that God has provided in the darkness. 

I love you all dearly!!!
Mylissa

"Angel By Your Side"

I can’t say that everything’s okay

‘Cause I can see the tears you’re crying

And I can’t promise to take the pain away

But you can know I won’t stop trying

I’ll be the angel by your side

I will get you through the night

I’ll be the strength you can’t provide on your own

‘Cause when you’re down and out of time

And you think you’ve lost the fight

Let me be the angel

The angel by your side

I know it feels like you’re running out of faith

‘Cause it’s so hard to keep believing

But if I can bring a smile back to your face

If for a moment, you’ll forget all about it

I’ll be the angel by your side

I will get you through the night

I’ll be the strength you can’t provide on your own

‘Cause when you’re down and out of time

And you think you’ve lost the fight

Let me be the angel

The angel by your side

‘Cause this won’t be the last time

You’ll need a little hope

But I want to be the first to let you know

I’ll be the angel by your side

I will get you through the night

I’ll be the strength you can’t provide on your own

‘Cause when you’re down and out of time

And you think you’ve lost the fight

Let me be the angel

The angel by your side 

 

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:  

If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. 

But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.  

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Butterflies, a Birthday & the Beach

Since Matthew's death, butterflies have special meaning to me. Whenever I see one, it reminds of of eternal life:

A caterpillar is wrapped up in a cocoon and emerges as a beautiful butterfly, free to fly!

As Christians, we are buried in the grave at death, 

but arise to new life in heaven, free to fly...FOR ETERNITY!!!
So, anytime I see a butterfly, I think of Matthew. They remind me of the day my family will be complete again. Their beauty and freedom are a symbol of hope for me. They make me smile.

Last week, I saw hundreds of butterflies. They were everywhere I went. Crisscrossing in front of me as I drove, in my yard, in parking lots...everywhere. It was unbelievable...and beautiful!

I also had a birthday last week...The 10th Anniversary of my 29th Birthday!
Okay, I turned 39, whatever!!!  

It was a great day. Lots of  "Happy Birthday" wishes, my favorite Mexican food for dinner, three cakes and homemade cookies.  (Good thing I like to exercise!!!)  With all the butterflies I've been seeing, I can't help but think they were a little birthday gift from God. It made me feel like Matthew was a part of my special day. Thank you Lord for that special blessing!!!

To complete Birthday Week, I decided to take a day off Friday.  It's been a really long summer at my office.  Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but it has definitely challenged me the past few months. I've put a lot of things on hold here at home and with the Matthew Project.  I've also had to learn to say the dreaded "n" word...NO.  For the first time since high school, I was unable to be a part of Vacation Bible School at our church. (that was a really tough one for me!)

God has literally been putting scripture about rest and being still in front of my face.  It's hard to deny what HE wants me to do when that happens. There's no denying that I'm tired and need rest.  Plus, we have several events coming up with the Matthew Project and that's always physically and emotionally draining. So I took a day Friday to rest and spend some quality time with God.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, 

for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Matthew 11:28-29

I definitely found some rest for my weary soul Friday.  

My weekdays usually start with this (for a good 3 or 4 miles):

 

followed by this:

My Friday started with this:

and then this:

The beach after Labor Day is sooooooo peaceful. The weather was perfect and there was no one near me. I was able to read, pray and relax.  It was definitely needed. And as I was almost ready to leave, a beautiful butterfly flew by me, returned to fly around my head a few times and nearly landed on my knee.  Isn't GOD amazing!!!

I listened to what HE was telling me to do by taking a true day of rest. No laundry, no errands, no work of any kind. Those of you who know me know that was a challenge for me. Yet I did it and enjoyed it. And God met me on the beach. We had quality time together. And then, just because HE's God and HE he can, HE sent me a little gift.  A tiny butterfly that many may not have even noticed meant more to me than words can describe. 

So today, I was back on the treadmill bright and early. I was back at my (over piled) desk. Back to mommy and wife things. Back to planning gun safety events.  But for one day, I rested and until I can do it again, I am thankful for that. I am thankful for a job that keeps me busy, yet allows me to run the Matthew Project. I am grateful for a husband and son who have lots of dirty clothes for me to wash. I am grateful for errands to run and grocery shopping to do and for a house to clean. I am grateful for the life God has given me, even though it is not the life I imagined. I know that as long as I am still on this earth, HE has something for me to do.

And, I am grateful for butterflies and the happy thoughts they bring when they come...

For I have given rest to the weary and joy to the sorrowing.

Jeremiah 31:25

Grace and My Family

Earlier this year I read The Resolution for Women by Priscilla Shirer. It is based on the movie Courageous.  This book was so powerful to me. I wanted to rush through each chapter and read it as quickly as I could. If I had allowed myself, I think I would have easily finished it in a week. But, I didn't. I forced myself to go slowly. I only read one section a day, then allowed myself to think and meditate on what was said.  I  must confess, this book stepped on my toes so much, I don't know how I was able to lace up my running shoes and keep training for a 1/2 marathon while I was going through it!  I took notes, highlighted, made notes in the margins...all the while discovering new things about myself.

One particular chapter has been stuck in my mind the past few weeks. Over this long weekend, I've taken time to look back at it and review the parts that spoke to my heart. It's the section titled Living With Grace.  It's not referring to wonderful, beautiful, undeserving grace we receive from God. It's referring to the grace we should be extending in our homes. Yes, that's right...the grace we, as women should be extending in our homes, whether married or single.

It's our job to create a place of peace and understanding for those who live with us and all who enter.  Now, let me be the first to admit, this has not been something I have always been good at.  I have lost my cool with my sweet husband and children more times than I could possibly count.  But it is something that God has brought to my attention and together we have been working on it.  Since Matthew's death, certain things just don't matter to me like they used too. I don't sweat the small stuff. So, that alone has made it easier for me to accept the way Chip and Will do things some times.  Don't misunderstand, I still find myself counting backwards from ten from time to time before I respond to them, but it happens much less now than it used to. 

Everyday in our homes, there are issues, disagreements, potential "disasters", displays of weakness or failure.  I'm not talking about real problems that are serious and deserve some emotional attention. I'm talking about the insignificant issues that we turn into Drama 101. Things that in the grand scheme of things really don't matter. So many times, I have been guilty of holding those things over my family's head; keeping them in the back of my mind; not letting something go.  Have you?  It's so easy to do. As women, we are often tired and worn out. We carry much of the workload and burdens of the home. We just want our family to do things our way so that things to according to our plan. Can anyone relate?  However, our husbands and children sometimes have a different agenda from ours.  They sometimes make mistakes.  They sometimes forget things (over & over & over again!). And sometimes, they just act plain stupid! I used to let these things really upset me. And because it upset me, the atmosphere of the entire house changed.

I don't want to be like that anymore. Thankfully, I'm not like that anymore (most of the time).  God and I are still working on it, but I'm learning to respond in a more God like way to my family.  Sometimes I say okay, just because I know it will keep peace in my house. Sometimes I walk away when I really want to scream. Sometimes I laugh to keep from getting upset. Sometimes I do literally count backwards from ten before I open my mouth to speak. Chip has learned to recognize the "counting face" and he thinks it's funny to ask if I started at 10 or 100.

The Resolution, says we are to dispense grace. Grace is defined as favor or kindness expressed to the undeserving.  The undeserving.  That pretty much describes each and everyone of us...the undeserving. So, we are to express favor and kindness to who??? Everyone.

Unfortunately, those we love the most are sometimes, the last ones we show "favor and kindness".  I don't want that to be the case in my house. I want my house to be a place of love, peace and acceptance. I hate that there have been times when my mood changed the entire setting of our home.  I refuse to let the devil use me in that way anymore! I want my husband and son to know they are loved unconditionally. That mistakes are just that, mistakes. I want grace to be so overwhelming in my house that anyone who enters feels it and knows it is present.  This may be a life long process for me, but I am determined to keep working at it. My family deserves it. My family is worth it!

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger

Proverbs 15:1

 

Fourteen was oh so hard...

The first counselor I met with after Matthew's death described grief as coming in waves.  Sometimes they're small, almost unnoticeable. At other times, they are larger, almost engulfing. For the last six days, I've been in a tsunami of a wave. Matthew's birthday is August 18th, and as it approached last week, I felt as if I were drowning.  I was so consumed one day, I had to send out a "prayer SOS" to some of my friends. (and by the way, I felt each of your prayers!)

This was our third birthday without him. I don't know why it was harder, but it was. Chip and I both felt it.  As it approached, I didn't feel grateful for 11 perfect birthdays - I wanted more!!! I wanted 12, 13, 14 and the ones still to come.  

I'm a mom and I AM allowed to feel this way sometimes.  I am definitely in a "mad" stage of grief right now.

Saturday, Matthew's birthday, I woke up in tears. This has been the case for the two years before as well, so no surprise there.  I kept myself as busy as possible, all day. A great two hour workout at the gym with Page was a huge help in getting me through the day. Errands, house keeping, grocery shopping, reading...you name it. I kept my mind and body busy.  But after dinner, as the hour approached, there was no running from the feelings any longer.  You see, I have always sang Happy Birthday to my boys at the minute they were born, ALWAYS.  Will at 8:02 am, Matthew at 10:12 pm.  So, as 10:00 approached, my heart felt heavier and I felt weaker.  About 10:08 I went in the the garage (a.k.a the man cave).  Chip and Will were out there watching TV.  I crawled in Chip's lap on the couch and just let the tears flow.  They were both patient and understanding, knowing how special my tradition with my boys is to me.  

After "the moment" had passed, I took my tired, sad, little self upstairs to my comfy bed. Beside my bed are pictures of me with each of my boys, just minutes after they were born.  As I looked at this picture of Matthew, I could almost feel the emotions, joy and completeness of that moment. 

Then suddenly, it occurred to me, a thought I had never had before...

In that moment, August 18, 1998, GOD knew...

HE knew of birthdays to come, school plays, lost teeth, soccer, baseball & basketball games.  HE knew of the bond that would form between two brothers. HE knew of every time Matthew would crawl on the couch or in my bed to snuggle with me "just because".  HE knew of sleepovers, practical jokes and mischief.  HE knew of stitches and boo-boos.  HE knew how many times "I love you to the moon and back" would be spoken in our home.  HE knew everything that would fill 11 years, 5 months and 4 days.  HE knew it all. 

And yes, HE knew January 22, 2010 as I held my new baby on August 18, 1998. HE knew...

I began to feel peace and comfort.  The same God that was with me 14 years earlier, had traveled with me the 11 years Matthew was on this earth.  HE has traveled with me every minute since Matthew has left this earth. And HE will travel with me every minute I remain on this earth. The angry, sad, joyous, questioning, lost, confused, dreaming, anticipating...all the moments to come.  

So, tonight, I still feel anger, but the tsunami wave is starting to head out to sea.  There has been laughter and smiles today and for that I am grateful.  I am grateful for 11 years, but it will never be enough. I'm settling back into my place of acceptance and beginning to function in the "new normal" again. 

I hate the waves. I hate the way I feel when they come. I hate the questions they bring. I hate the physical pain and weakness they leave in my body.  

But, I have learned 

• they will come, like it or not
• they will be unexpected from time to time
• there is no controlling how they make me feel
• they are part of the journey
• they will not last forever
• and most importantly, GOD will teach me something about HIS greatness in the storm!

So, until the next wave rolls in, I carry on, remembering...

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Hebrews 13:8

Well, here I go...

Okay friends, I have decided to join the blogging world. This is a blog with a purpose though...

Over the past two and a half years, I've shared A LOT.  I've been open and honest about my grief, pain, anger, fear, faith, hope, joy and EVERYTHING in between. I believe God is using the journey I'm on to help others. Not just through the Matthew Project, but in other ways as well. After Matthew's death, I told God I wanted him to use me (as a wife and mom) to bring HIM glory.  I truly meant that. I don't know any other way to survive this!  So, this blog is what I believe to be the next part of that journey.  I believe we as women, but more importantly as believers, need to share our pain, struggles, questions, joy, laughter, praise, WHATever with each other. I believe God gave us the bond of Christian sisterhood for a purpose.

I know most of you haven't gone through the loss I have. But still, EVERYone has struggles.  EVERYone needs encouragement.  EVERYone needs to know they are not alone. My hope is that you will be able to relate to some of my good times and bad...as we travel the road to HIM together.