I miss my Matthew - every minute of every day.
But some days
are harder than others.
And sometimes the hard days run together.
Last week was
one of those times.
Tuesday was Matthew’s birthday and Thursday he should have
started his senior year of high school. I tried to prepare myself in advance,
but as I have learned all too well throughout this journey, there are some
things I just can’t prepare for. Some days are so painful that all I can do is
tearfully ride them out.
And that is okay.
I’ve learned that it is okay that I still sometimes feel days of
extreme sadness. I’ve learned that those days will continue to come as long as
I am on this side of heaven. I'm thankful that they do not come nearly as often as they used to. And I’ve learned that on
those really bad days, God is always, always enough.
Tuesday morning (Matthew’s birthday) I headed to the beach
for an early morning run. It was still dark when I got there and I was grateful
that no one would be able to see my tears as I ran. However, I quickly discovered that my heart was so heavy that a run was not happening that day.
It was literally all I could do just to pick up one foot after another and take small
steps.
So, I stopped trying and just stood still to let God speak to me.
Be still and know that I am God.
Psalm 46:10
The beach is my place. It is where I feel God’s presence like
nowhere else. There is just something about the beauty and majesty of the ocean
that gets me - every single time.
Tuesday was no exception. As I stood in the water’s edge,
crying the tears of a momma’s broken heart, one of the most beautiful sunrises
I have ever seen appeared. I thought I needed a good run to meet God that day. He
had a very different plan. As I stood frozen and crying, I was reminded of His
faithfulness throughout this journey.
And I was also reminded of another
important lesson I have learned along the way...
In the early days of grief, mornings were excruciatingly painful.
Every morning I awoke to the reality that Matthew was gone all over again. It
took me forever to get moving each and every day. It felt like I was moving in
slow motion. It was horrible and I was completely helpless to change it. But
during that time, I began to see that as each painful day arrived, God was
faithful to meet me and carry me through. As time slowly moved forward, I began
to fear the mornings less and less because I knew that no matter how bad the pain,
God would get me through – one day at a time. If I looked beyond the present day, it was too much to bare. But as I learned to trust Him to meet me each and every day, healing began.
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23
God promises to meet all our needs, and I completely trust
in that promise. But even as I continue to grow closer to Him, there are still
times that I look for Him to provide more than He has promised. God’s Word
is clear that I am not to worry about tomorrow (Matthew 6:34). I am called to rely on Him one
day at a time, knowing that He will provide what I need for tomorrow - but only when I get
there.
That’s a lot easier said than done. Right???
I am so guilty!
Even after He has proven His faithfulness time and time again, I worry about things down the road, which only creates more stress
in the present. And when I fret over things beyond today, it is straight up sin!
Watching that beautiful sunrise last Tuesday reminded me of
the importance of trusting in Him day by day, sometimes minute by minute. It
reminded me of His faithfulness throughout this entire journey – even when I
could not feel Him. He has not left me for one single second. The same God who provided
a ram for Abraham, gave daily manna in the desert, parted the Red Sea, sent
a shepherd to slay a giant, turned water into wine, gave sight to a blind man, healed the man at the well, and SO much more is the same God who loves me and you. And He is the same God that will provide for our every need.
Every single one of them.
Morning by morning.
It is hard sometimes to have blind faith in tomorrow and beyond. But isn’t that
ultimately what true faith is…believing that He will meet every emotional and
physical need - even when we have no idea how He will do it.
He is with you today and He will be with you tomorrow...
waiting to
show His unending love, compassion, and sovereignty.
Don't allow yourself to be overwhelmed by the tomorrow.
Instead, allow Him to bless you today.
Thank you Lord that your mercies are new every morning. GREAT
is Your faithfulness.
Help me to stay focused on You and trust in You, one day at a time.
