The first counselor I met with after Matthew's death described grief as coming in waves. Sometimes they're small, almost unnoticeable. At other times, they are larger, almost engulfing. For the last six days, I've been in a tsunami of a wave. Matthew's birthday is August 18th, and as it approached last week, I felt as if I were drowning. I was so consumed one day, I had to send out a "prayer SOS" to some of my friends. (and by the way, I felt each of your prayers!)
This was our third birthday without him. I don't know why it was harder, but it was. Chip and I both felt it. As it approached, I didn't feel grateful for 11 perfect birthdays - I wanted more!!! I wanted 12, 13, 14 and the ones still to come.
I'm a mom and I AM allowed to feel this way sometimes. I am definitely in a "mad" stage of grief right now.
Saturday, Matthew's birthday, I woke up in tears. This has been the case for the two years before as well, so no surprise there. I kept myself as busy as possible, all day. A great two hour workout at the gym with Page was a huge help in getting me through the day. Errands, house keeping, grocery shopping, reading...you name it. I kept my mind and body busy. But after dinner, as the hour approached, there was no running from the feelings any longer. You see, I have always sang Happy Birthday to my boys at the minute they were born, ALWAYS. Will at 8:02 am, Matthew at 10:12 pm. So, as 10:00 approached, my heart felt heavier and I felt weaker. About 10:08 I went in the the garage (a.k.a the man cave). Chip and Will were out there watching TV. I crawled in Chip's lap on the couch and just let the tears flow. They were both patient and understanding, knowing how special my tradition with my boys is to me.
After "the moment" had passed, I took my tired, sad, little self upstairs to my comfy bed. Beside my bed are pictures of me with each of my boys, just minutes after they were born. As I looked at this picture of Matthew, I could almost feel the emotions, joy and completeness of that moment.
Then suddenly, it occurred to me, a thought I had never had before...
In that moment, August 18, 1998, GOD knew...
HE knew of birthdays to come, school plays, lost teeth, soccer, baseball & basketball games. HE knew of the bond that would form between two brothers. HE knew of every time Matthew would crawl on the couch or in my bed to snuggle with me "just because". HE knew of sleepovers, practical jokes and mischief. HE knew of stitches and boo-boos. HE knew how many times "I love you to the moon and back" would be spoken in our home. HE knew everything that would fill 11 years, 5 months and 4 days. HE knew it all.
And yes, HE knew January 22, 2010 as I held my new baby on August 18, 1998. HE knew...
I began to feel peace and comfort. The same God that was with me 14 years earlier, had traveled with me the 11 years Matthew was on this earth. HE has traveled with me every minute since Matthew has left this earth. And HE will travel with me every minute I remain on this earth. The angry, sad, joyous, questioning, lost, confused, dreaming, anticipating...all the moments to come.
So, tonight, I still feel anger, but the tsunami wave is starting to head out to sea. There has been laughter and smiles today and for that I am grateful. I am grateful for 11 years, but it will never be enough. I'm settling back into my place of acceptance and beginning to function in the "new normal" again.
I hate the waves. I hate the way I feel when they come. I hate the questions they bring. I hate the physical pain and weakness they leave in my body.
But, I have learned
- they will come, like it or not
- they will be unexpected from time to time
- there is no controlling how they make me feel
- they are part of the journey
- they will not last forever
- and most importantly, GOD will teach me something about HIS greatness in the storm!
So, until the next wave rolls in, I carry on, remembering...
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.Hebrews 13:8
