Morning by Morning

I miss my Matthew - every minute of every day. 

But some days are harder than others. 

And sometimes the hard days run together. 

Last week was one of those times. 

Tuesday was Matthew’s birthday and Thursday he should have started his senior year of high school. I tried to prepare myself in advance, but as I have learned all too well throughout this journey, there are some things I just can’t prepare for. Some days are so painful that all I can do is tearfully ride them out. 

And that is okay.

I’ve learned that it is okay that I still sometimes feel days of extreme sadness. I’ve learned that those days will continue to come as long as I am on this side of heaven. I'm thankful that they do not come nearly as often as they used to. And I’ve learned that on those really bad days, God is always, always enough.

Tuesday morning (Matthew’s birthday) I headed to the beach for an early morning run. It was still dark when I got there and I was grateful that no one would be able to see my tears as I ran. However, I quickly discovered that my heart was so heavy that a run was not happening that day. It was literally all I could do just to pick up one foot after another and take small steps. 

So, I stopped trying and just stood still to let God speak to me.

Be still and know that I am God.
Psalm 46:10

The beach is my place. It is where I feel God’s presence like nowhere else. There is just something about the beauty and majesty of the ocean that gets me - every single time.

Tuesday was no exception. As I stood in the water’s edge, crying the tears of a momma’s broken heart, one of the most beautiful sunrises I have ever seen appeared. I thought I needed a good run to meet God that day. He had a very different plan. As I stood frozen and crying, I was reminded of His faithfulness throughout this journey. 

And I was also reminded of another important lesson I have learned along the way...

In the early days of grief, mornings were excruciatingly painful. Every morning I awoke to the reality that Matthew was gone all over again. It took me forever to get moving each and every day. It felt like I was moving in slow motion. It was horrible and I was completely helpless to change it. But during that time, I began to see that as each painful day arrived, God was faithful to meet me and carry me through. As time slowly moved forward, I began to fear the mornings less and less because I knew that no matter how bad the pain, God would get me through – one day at a time. If I looked beyond the present day, it was too much to bare. But as I learned to trust Him to meet me each and every day, healing began.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23

God promises to meet all our needs, and I completely trust in that promise. But even as I continue to grow closer to Him, there are still times that I look for Him to provide more than He has promised. God’s Word is clear that I am not to worry about tomorrow (Matthew 6:34). I am called to rely on Him one day at a time, knowing that He will provide what I need for tomorrow - but only when I get there. 

That’s a lot easier said than done. Right???

I am so guilty!

Even after He has proven His faithfulness time and  time again, I worry about things down the road, which only creates more stress in the present. And when I fret over things beyond today, it is straight up sin!

Watching that beautiful sunrise last Tuesday reminded me of the importance of trusting in Him day by day, sometimes minute by minute. It reminded me of His faithfulness throughout this entire journey – even when I could not feel Him. He has not left me for one single second. The same God who provided a ram for Abraham, gave daily manna in the desert, parted the Red Sea, sent a shepherd to slay a giant, turned water into wine, gave sight to a blind man, healed the man at the well, and SO much more is the same God who loves me and you. And He is the same God that will provide for our every need. 

Every single one of them. 

Morning by morning.

It is hard sometimes to have blind faith in tomorrow and beyond. But isn’t that ultimately what true faith is…believing that He will meet every emotional and physical need - even when we have no idea how He will do it. 

He is with you today and He will be with you tomorrow...

waiting to show His unending love, compassion, and sovereignty.

Don't allow yourself to be overwhelmed by the tomorrow. 

Instead, allow Him to bless you today.

Thank you Lord that your mercies are new every morning. GREAT is Your faithfulness. 

Help me to stay focused on You and trust in You, one day at a time.

Remembering My Nana

Yesterday we said our earthly goodbyes to my Nana, my last living grandparent.  She had been sick for many months.  It is a relief that she is no longer suffering, but I will miss her.  Some of the things I will always remember about her include:

• She was the living example of The Great Commandment to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind" (Matthew 22:37).
• She believed the Bible was HIS Word and THE Word and she knew it better than anyone else I know.
• She made the best fried cornbread on the planet.  Period.  End of discussion.
• Her sausage gravy was pretty darn good too.
• She and my Papa nicknamed me "Sunshine" and she sang "You Are My Sunshine" to me, way off key, and it was absolutely beautiful.
• She only wore dresses and could rock a moo-moo.  Seriously, I cannot ever remember seeing her wear a pair of pants.
• God gave her the gift of encouragement, and she was a remarkable steward of her gift.
• She would say "Be nice!" when she knew I was about to say something that maybe I shouldn't. (I usually said it anyway)
• She loved, loved, loved my Papa!
• I learned more about faith from her than anyone else and I'm just starting to realize the full impact of those lessons. 

Papa was a pastor and when my brother Chris and I were children, they were serving in New Hampshire.  Each summer, mom and dad would fly Chris and I up there to spend a few weeks with them.  Those visits were some of the greatest times of my childhood.  They were also when Nana began to plant seeds of God's love and faithfulness in my life that are still multiplying today.  

My Nana seriously served God like no one else I have ever known and she took the job of sharing her faith with those she loved very seriously.  During those summer visits, she not only had us in church every time the doors were open, she read Bible stories to us, played Bible story games with us, sang them to us...basically fed us The Word anyway she could.  I was a teenager when I accepted Christ as my savior.  Her years of pouring into my life played a part in that decision.

Not only did she serve God well, she trusted HIM completely.  She truly trusted HIM in all things.  I never really realized how that impacted me until recently.  I fully believe that her example has played a huge part in me being able to trust in God and HIS sovereignty since Matthew's death.  She didn't just talk that talk, she walked the walk.  Because of her, I know I don't have to understand HIS plan, I just have to trust it.

Over the years she has given me several Bibles and Bible study books.  Saturday morning I spent some time looking through them.  Each and every one of them has a personal note from her and scripture references marked in them.  As a read through the scriptures she had marked for me many years before, I knew she was still leading me and teaching me.  She will always be a part of my walk with Christ.  Always.

I'm sure many of my family members have ways in which Nana's faith impacted their lives.  And there are no doubt countless others who are not family that have been impacted by her faith.  So, on Thursday afternoon, when my Nana breathed her last breath on earth and then open her eyes in Heaven, I have no doubt that she heard "Well done good and faithful servant" (Matthew 25:21).  She is now worshiping the Lord and receiving the reward she so richly deserves.

 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven.
~Matthew 5:12 (NIV)

 But this little 'Sunshine' is going to miss her Nana.
~Mylissa

Goodbye for now my sweet Nana.  I love you! ~Sunshine

Somebody Lied to Me!

"God won't give you more than you can handle".

Have you ever heard that phrase?
I have...many times.
But my life certainly feels like more than I can handle!

So decided to spend a little time searching to see if there was any Biblical basis for that saying.  You know what???  I couldn't find it!

In 1 Corinthians, the Bible says God will not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear, but it doesn't say anything about not giving us more than we can handle.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind.  And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

~1 Corinthians 10:13

What a relief!!!
Because my life certainly feels like more than I can handle!!! I've been living a Job-like life for almost five years now. The first devastating, put-you-on-your-knees event actually occurred in September 2009 - 4 months before Matthew's death.

And the hits just keep on coming!
I've shared most of our struggles publicly, but some are only known by those closest to us.  The highlights include Matthew's death, Will's struggles, a fight (knock-down-drag-out) to save our marriage, and a failed adoption.  And right now, we're facing two major challenges. One involves Will and the other is deeply personal as well as hurtful to Chip and me.  This is all WAY more than I can bear!  This is straight up spiritual warfare and I'm tired from it.  My family continues to be attacked.  There are many days when I feel like I cannot go on for one more second.  Life just feels too hard!
Can you relate???
Can I get an AMEN?!?!?

But you know what?  God has and is using every one of these things.
Every single one of them.

When I do not have the strength, I have learned to rely on HIS strength.
When I cannot take one more step, I have learned to let HIM carry me.
These lessons have not come easy and I am still learning so many things. Complete surrender is so very hard and I don't know if I'll ever truly get there.  It is a process that will last the rest of my life. 

I've experienced some really dark moments.  I have found myself on my knees (and sometimes on my face) crying out to God to please take it all way.  I've asked "why" more times than I can count.  I've been frustrated with God and I've been truly mad at HIM.  My struggles have been really, really ugly sometimes.

But HE is growing me through all this mess.
And this growth would not be possible without the mess. 

And I think God wants it to be more than I can bear.  HE wants me to completely depend on HIM.  HE wants me to rely fully on HIS strength, not my own.  HE wants to carry me through this.  God never intended for me to do this alone.  Not for one single second.

And I am so incredibly grateful.

My life is more than I can bear.
And, God is so much bigger than all of it.
ALL OF IT.

God. Is. Enough.

Thank you Lord for your unending grace and compassion.
Thank you that your love never fails!

So yes, somebody lied.  
I believe God will give you more than you can handle.  
Then HE will meet you there -
to love you
to grow you
to use you for HIS glory.

It's ugly yet beautiful and it is terrifyingly glorious.

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

~Psalm 55:22

 

Because HE Lives...

For most of my life, Christmas was my favorite holiday. As a child I obviously looked forward to Santa coming and the gifts.  As a mom, I fell in love with Christmas for a different reason. There is nothing like watching the excitement of your child at Christmas. I used to love the sights, smells, crafts, decorating, baking, gift wrapping...all of it!

Then we lost Matthew...
and everything changed.

From a religious stand point, I still love Christmas. Nothing, not even the death of my son, can diminish the gift of Christ. But Christmas is no longer my favorite holiday. It's hard, really hard. And I don't think that's ever going to change.

My new favorite holiday is Easter.

Matthew died in January, and Easter was our first real holiday without him. It was the first time our extended family was all together. It was one of the first times (of many) I was consumed by his absence and by the fact that our lives are forever changed.

But somehow through the unspeakable pain and grief so soon after Matthew's death, I discovered a new love for Easter and it's true meaning.

Christmas is a beautiful holiday. The birth of our Savior is a wondrous, joyous occasion. But it only the beginning of the story.  Without the end of the story, The Gift has no purpose. Without Easter, what does the birth of Christ mean???

In Easter, I have discovered the true beauty of the story, the true meaning of the gift of Christ.

We are all sinners by nature...

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 

~Romans 3:23

But when Jesus came to earth, died on the cross, then rose from the dead three days later...

It all changed!

For the wages of sin is death,  but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

~Romans 6:23 

Three years ago, on that first Easter without my Matthew, I finally began to understand what God had truly given me in The Gift of Christ.

Because of Easter, I get to see my Matthew again.
Because of Easter, my family will be complete again.
Because of Easter, we will be reunited one day for eternity.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

~John 3:16

It overwhelms me.
I am not worthy.
Yet for some reason, God loves me enough that HE spared HIS son, so that I may see my son again. It's the reassurance of that promise that keeps me going. It's how I survive the darkest moments.

So if you see a tear on my face the next few days, it may be because I am missing Matthew. Or, it may be because every Easter I feel completely overwhelmed by what this holiday truly means.

Thank you Jesus for dying for me. Thank you for giving me the gift of eternal life. Thank you for promising me that I will see Matthew again. Your gift is more than I can comprehend.

~Mylissa

Time to Change the World

Are you using your time to change the world or is it changing you?  We all want to make a difference; to know that what we do is important.  Sometimes we spend so much time trying to be significant that we lose track of what really matters.  We become defined by our schedules and plans. Craziness and business become habit and routine. And suddenly, we find our lives out of control.  Even though our days may be filled to overflowing, we find ourselves feeling empty and disappointed.  

So let me ask: Are you caught in the cycle of chaos and the sin of business because you haven’t stopped to think maybe this isn’t God’s plan for you and your time?

God did not make us to live the way the world lives.  We are each created as individuals with unique gifts and talents.   

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

~Ephesians 2:10 says

God expects us to use our time on the talents HE has chosen specifically for us. 

Here are some things to think about:

Do your heart and soul, the essence of who you really are, show through in what you do?

Are your days full of things you really don’t want to be doing? 

Is your schedule is controlling you or are you controlling your schedule?

Are you so busy trying to “get it all done” that you don’t get any of it done. (Here’s a little secret…you will NEVER get it all done! There will always be something more to do.)

Our kids, homes, families, churches and communities will benefit from us slowing down and doing specifically what God has called us and us alone to do.  When your heart and calendar become available to God, you will begin to focus on the things that will have the greatest impact. Mother Teresa said, “I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.” 

 Do you even have time to cast your stone?

Do you know what your calling is? If you have a hard time saying “no” chances are you don’t know what God wants you to be doing. You have to learn that it’s okay to say no.  And you have to learn to say no to the things that are not yours to carry right now.  These may very well be things you want to do. And these are probably good things. But are they the things God wants you to do?  Remember, just because God isn’t calling you to it now, doesn’t mean HE never will. Learn to focus on the season you are living in now and the plan God has for you at this time.   

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.

~Ecclesiastes 3:1 

Are you worn out from the business? Do you ever feel inadequate at what you do, no matter how hard you try to make it a success? I know I’ve certainly been there!  

Friends, we can’t do anything well when we try to do everything. 

Think about 1 Corinthians 10:31

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

If your running around trying to do everything, are you doing it to glorify God? Probably not. When you honor God with what you do, when you glorify God with your time, your purpose becomes clear.  And when God has called you to something, He will equip you with all you need to succeed. The exhaustion and feelings of incompetence will disappear.

So, how do you discover what God is calling you to do:

First, analyze your gifts. What talents has God given you? Don’t consider anything to be insignificant.  God can and will do things far beyond anything you can imagine. Don't limit His ability to do something amazing through you.

Also, you must take control of your schedule. This will mean some adjustment. This will mean saying no. And remember if you are doing a task God did not call you to, you may be preventing someone else from doing what God has called them to do.

And most of all, listen to God for directions. There is only one way to hear His voice. You must get into HIS word and wait for HIM to speak. He will answer, but you have to slow down and listen.

Find your passion. Find your calling.  Follow God’s leading and see what great and mighty things He will do. 

If you’re serious about changing the world, you’re going to have to start by making time for yourself.  Sometimes ladies, you just need to take a break.  As Pricilla Shirer says in her book, The Resolution, “it’s not a break from your life; it’s a break for your life”. 

Let that sink in…a break for your life.   

It’s not selfish.

It’s not unimportant.

It’s not something you should feel guilty about. 

If you’re not taking care of you, how can you take care of the world around you? How are you going to be available to God? How are you going to be able to change the world? 

Take time to breathe. 

Girlfriends, even Jesus took time to rest! 

What simple pleasure would rejuvenate you? A walk on the beach, a bubble bath, a cup of coffee and a good book, a pedicure, a jog, a nap…

Get creative.  It’s doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. But it does have to be about you and you alone. And it does have to be done on a regular basis.  When you do that, it will begin to change your world, then the world of your family, your co-workers, your church, your community.  It's a ripple effect.

When you honor God with your time,

when you become intentional with your time, 

when you use your time on your calling, 

when you create “me” time...

YOU WILL BEGIN TO CHANGE THE WORLD!

I Sometimes Forget

Jeremiah 29:11 is probably one of the most popular scriptures in the Bible...

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,  plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I'm sure you've seen it many places: on pictures, bags, bookmarks, church bulletins, t-shirts, etc. It's definitely a well loved scripture. At some point, God may have used these words to speak to you personally. They have spoken to me many times.  

However, several years ago, God showed me the verses that follow and made them speak to my heart. I saw something new in His word...

Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with ALL YOUR HEART. 

~Jeremiah 29:12-13

And just like that, HE had my attention! 

There have been times when I have forgotten what God taught me about these verses. Then HE has to knock me on the head and remind me again of the message HE wants me to see.  

It's not just that God has plans for good in our future as it says in verse 11.  That is a beautiful and I don't mean to minimize the wonderfulness of that promise. But, I think God is trying to say HE wants a relationship with us.  HE doesn't just want to bring about good things for us. HE intends for us to call out to HIM and ask HIM. HE wants us to seek HIM and need HIM.  If God just provides the good things, how do we grow in our walk with HIM? Wouldn't we start to see ourselves as self sufficient if we didn't have to call out and seek HIM with ALL OUR HEART (hello!)???

I sometimes forget verses 12 & 13. I get frustrated with God and "remind" HIM of what HE promised.  Then HE gently (and sometimes not so gently) reminds me that I am to seek HIM. I am to need HIM. I am to pray to HIM.  And then I will find HIM and HE will listen to me.

I love these verses for many reasons.  As I am beginning a new year, I hope I can keep my focus on verses 12 & 13 and not just look at verse 11 for the quick easy answer.  I don't have to wonder if HE will hear me, if HE will be there, if HE will answer.  When I do my part, when I seek HIM with ALL my heart, when I put HIM first, I will find HIM. God wants me to need HIM. I think I can handle that!

Happy New Year, and may God bless you as you seek HIM with ALL your heart in 2013!

~Mylissa

 

 

In ALL Circumstances

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

~1 Thessalonians 5:18

I feel like I should have something profound to say. But, I don't.
How does someone do what happened in Newtown, CT yesterday?
How can we live in a world where this is possible?
Why did this happen at Christmas?
Why so many children?
These are just a few of the questions that are running through my brain.
And I have no answers...

And the events of yesterday have stirred up so many things inside of me. Feelings that I keep buried. Feelings that God and I have to deal with a little bit at a time. I've cried and cried and cried some more for 20 families I do not know.

Unfortunately, I do know what it feels like to send your child to school and never see them alive again. I do know what it feels like to wonder how much pain they were in and if they suffered. I do know what it's like to know that you will never have a single "normal "moment in your life again.  And I do know the long, painful road ahead of these families.  They may think this is the worst of it, but it's not. The worst comes when the shock wears off. The day you wake up and realize this is all real, that your child is really gone. THAT is the worst day.

I wish I could get on a plane, go to CT and hug each and every parent. I wish I could hold them individually and pray for them as only a parent who has been there can do.  My heart truly hurts for them. My mind just can't stop thinking about the pain these families are feeling.

As I tried to go to sleep last night, I was thinking of them. At that point, they knew in their hearts what had happened to their children, but it had not been "officially" confirmed.  They were waiting and waiting to hear the most horrific news you can hear. And suddenly I was filled with thanks.  Chip and I did not have to wait and wonder. We knew quickly what had happened to Matthew. Within a couple of hours, we were able to see and touch Matthew.  The parents in CT had to wait until today for that.  As hard as it was, we needed to see our son. We needed to touch him to even begin processing what was happening. Our suffering was real, still is real, but it could have been so much worse. Eventually we found out that Matthew did not suffer. We were able to hear an account of how he died and know that it was peaceful.  The parents in CT may never get that.  I can relate to some of what 20 families are going through, but in many ways, I have no idea. I thank God for HIS mercy and that HE showed it to us in the darkest moments of our lives.

I am hugging Will a little tighter. I know all parents are doing the same with their children. I thank God for him. I thank God that he makes me a little crazy (like only a teenager can!).  I thank God for his sense of humor, his smile and how he makes me laugh like no one else can.

Then tonight, the list of ages and names was released. It occurred to me, it's more than 20 mommas and daddies. The adults killed were so young. Most of them probably have living parents who are facing the unthinkable as well.

So much heartache. And yet I remember...

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

~Romans 8:28 

What the good from this will be...I HAVE NO IDEA! But THE Great and Mighty Savior does have a plan. This I KNOW.

So while we ache for these families and the questions remain, I urge all believers:

Do not just say you are praying for these families and this community, DO IT! You have no idea how powerful the prayers of brothers and sisters of Christ are for grieving parents. This is the time to pray without ceasing. When I could not find any words to say to God, I knew somewhere out there, someone could find the words and was praying for my family.  It's the simplest, yet most powerful thing we can do to help.  Praise God, we can do something, we can make a difference.