Never Stop Praying

About a year ago, I read a book called The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson.  Earlier this year, I followed up with Draw The Circle, a 40 day prayer challenge, written by the same author.  These two books have radically changed my prayer life and taught me to pray in a much bolder way.  I kept a prayer journal while doing the 40 day challenge.  Since that time, my precious little writing time has been spent in that journal.  While God often brings a variety of people or things to my heart to pray about, I have noticed three distinct themes in my written prayers.  

The first is the Matthew Project.  For quite some time, Chip and I felt a little "stuck" in what we were doing.  We began to ask God for direction.  We both know there is more we are supposed to be doing, but for a long time we were honestly clueless.  God is beginning to show us a direction and open a few doors.  We are boldly praying about two very specific things and waiting to see what God is going to do.  It is really neat to be able to look into my prayer journal and literally see the way my prayers are being answered for the work of the project.  But even as God is beginning to reveal some things to us, I have to remind myself to stay faithful in prayerfully seeking HIS direction. 

The second area is a very personal issue and I cannot share details of it.  It's something that Chip and I both want God to specifically tell us what to do, but that hasn't happened yet.  What I can see in my journal is God continually telling me to do nothing.  He has not stopped assuring me that this is not my battle, it is HIS.  He repeatedly brings Exodus 14:14 to me as a reminder: 

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. (NIV)

So even though I want God to give me a specific action to take, I know HE is telling me to do nothing and let HIM take care of it.  My human side doesn't like that, but I am trying to faithfully obey.  And again, it's really neat to see the progression of these prayers in my prayer journal.

The third area however is a much different story and it's very frustrating.  The third consistent theme I can see in my journal is written prayers and pleadings for our son Will.  And most days, I honestly feel like I am beating my head against the wall.  God is not answering my prayers in the way I want HIM to or in the time frame that I want HIM to.  Quite honestly, there are days that I wonder if my prayers for Will matter at all.  I just don't understand what God is allowing in the life of my son.  Since Matthew's death Will has struggled, greatly.  As his momma, it has been heartbreaking and I so desperately want God to intervene and do something God-sized in the life of my child.  That's the human side of me and I am currently enduring a great struggle between my heart and my head.  My heart hurts for my child.  My head knows that there are things I cannot see and there are things I do not know - God is up to something.  I am reminded that no matter how much I love my son (and it is a lot!), God loves him so much more.  My love for Will is only a tiny speck when compared with God's great and vast love for him.  So even though I cannot see a response to my prayers, I am trusting that God is at work on Will's behalf.  When I feel completely defeated and I want to give up, I remind myself that God does hear my prayers.  I believe that God does and will honor the prayers of a faithful mother and I turn to this verse as a prayer guide:

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV)

This verse reminds me to never stop praying.  I now realize that when my children were younger, I did not pray the right way for them.  I prayed for their salvation and I prayed for their general protection, but I did not pray effective, sustaining prayers.  I did not pray for protection from evil.  Evil is real and present in this world and I have seen it at work in the life of my son for the last four years.  I can't change the past.  I can't go back in time and pray for my son to be protected from the attacks of Satan.  I can't change what has happened in his life.

But I can pray for God to move in a mighty way in his life now.  I can pray for God to take what the devil intended for harm and use it for good (Genesis 50:20).  I cannot see what God is doing, but I am choosing to trust that HE is up to something.  There are days that my sweet hubby has to remind me of that, but I will not stop praying and I will not give up hope.

I know there are other mommas out there who feel the same way.  You wonder if God hears your prayers for your children.  You sometimes don't understand what is happening and you get frustrated.  I want to encourage you...NEVER STOP PRAYING!  I believe it is the greatest gift we can give our children.  And as their mommas, we can pray for them like no one else.  There is no love like a mother's for her child and I believe there is no prayer like a mother's for her child. 

So mommas (and daddies, grandmas, and grandpas too) I am challenging you to join me in praying this scripture over our children:

The Armour of God
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

Ephesians 6:10-18 (NIV) 

HE does hear us.   
Never stop praying.  

Remembering My Nana

Yesterday we said our earthly goodbyes to my Nana, my last living grandparent.  She had been sick for many months.  It is a relief that she is no longer suffering, but I will miss her.  Some of the things I will always remember about her include:

• She was the living example of The Great Commandment to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind" (Matthew 22:37).
• She believed the Bible was HIS Word and THE Word and she knew it better than anyone else I know.
• She made the best fried cornbread on the planet.  Period.  End of discussion.
• Her sausage gravy was pretty darn good too.
• She and my Papa nicknamed me "Sunshine" and she sang "You Are My Sunshine" to me, way off key, and it was absolutely beautiful.
• She only wore dresses and could rock a moo-moo.  Seriously, I cannot ever remember seeing her wear a pair of pants.
• God gave her the gift of encouragement, and she was a remarkable steward of her gift.
• She would say "Be nice!" when she knew I was about to say something that maybe I shouldn't. (I usually said it anyway)
• She loved, loved, loved my Papa!
• I learned more about faith from her than anyone else and I'm just starting to realize the full impact of those lessons. 

Papa was a pastor and when my brother Chris and I were children, they were serving in New Hampshire.  Each summer, mom and dad would fly Chris and I up there to spend a few weeks with them.  Those visits were some of the greatest times of my childhood.  They were also when Nana began to plant seeds of God's love and faithfulness in my life that are still multiplying today.  

My Nana seriously served God like no one else I have ever known and she took the job of sharing her faith with those she loved very seriously.  During those summer visits, she not only had us in church every time the doors were open, she read Bible stories to us, played Bible story games with us, sang them to us...basically fed us The Word anyway she could.  I was a teenager when I accepted Christ as my savior.  Her years of pouring into my life played a part in that decision.

Not only did she serve God well, she trusted HIM completely.  She truly trusted HIM in all things.  I never really realized how that impacted me until recently.  I fully believe that her example has played a huge part in me being able to trust in God and HIS sovereignty since Matthew's death.  She didn't just talk that talk, she walked the walk.  Because of her, I know I don't have to understand HIS plan, I just have to trust it.

Over the years she has given me several Bibles and Bible study books.  Saturday morning I spent some time looking through them.  Each and every one of them has a personal note from her and scripture references marked in them.  As a read through the scriptures she had marked for me many years before, I knew she was still leading me and teaching me.  She will always be a part of my walk with Christ.  Always.

I'm sure many of my family members have ways in which Nana's faith impacted their lives.  And there are no doubt countless others who are not family that have been impacted by her faith.  So, on Thursday afternoon, when my Nana breathed her last breath on earth and then open her eyes in Heaven, I have no doubt that she heard "Well done good and faithful servant" (Matthew 25:21).  She is now worshiping the Lord and receiving the reward she so richly deserves.

 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven.
~Matthew 5:12 (NIV)

 But this little 'Sunshine' is going to miss her Nana.
~Mylissa

Goodbye for now my sweet Nana.  I love you! ~Sunshine

Somebody Lied to Me!

"God won't give you more than you can handle".

Have you ever heard that phrase?
I have...many times.
But my life certainly feels like more than I can handle!

So decided to spend a little time searching to see if there was any Biblical basis for that saying.  You know what???  I couldn't find it!

In 1 Corinthians, the Bible says God will not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear, but it doesn't say anything about not giving us more than we can handle.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind.  And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

~1 Corinthians 10:13

What a relief!!!
Because my life certainly feels like more than I can handle!!! I've been living a Job-like life for almost five years now. The first devastating, put-you-on-your-knees event actually occurred in September 2009 - 4 months before Matthew's death.

And the hits just keep on coming!
I've shared most of our struggles publicly, but some are only known by those closest to us.  The highlights include Matthew's death, Will's struggles, a fight (knock-down-drag-out) to save our marriage, and a failed adoption.  And right now, we're facing two major challenges. One involves Will and the other is deeply personal as well as hurtful to Chip and me.  This is all WAY more than I can bear!  This is straight up spiritual warfare and I'm tired from it.  My family continues to be attacked.  There are many days when I feel like I cannot go on for one more second.  Life just feels too hard!
Can you relate???
Can I get an AMEN?!?!?

But you know what?  God has and is using every one of these things.
Every single one of them.

When I do not have the strength, I have learned to rely on HIS strength.
When I cannot take one more step, I have learned to let HIM carry me.
These lessons have not come easy and I am still learning so many things. Complete surrender is so very hard and I don't know if I'll ever truly get there.  It is a process that will last the rest of my life. 

I've experienced some really dark moments.  I have found myself on my knees (and sometimes on my face) crying out to God to please take it all way.  I've asked "why" more times than I can count.  I've been frustrated with God and I've been truly mad at HIM.  My struggles have been really, really ugly sometimes.

But HE is growing me through all this mess.
And this growth would not be possible without the mess. 

And I think God wants it to be more than I can bear.  HE wants me to completely depend on HIM.  HE wants me to rely fully on HIS strength, not my own.  HE wants to carry me through this.  God never intended for me to do this alone.  Not for one single second.

And I am so incredibly grateful.

My life is more than I can bear.
And, God is so much bigger than all of it.
ALL OF IT.

God. Is. Enough.

Thank you Lord for your unending grace and compassion.
Thank you that your love never fails!

So yes, somebody lied.  
I believe God will give you more than you can handle.  
Then HE will meet you there -
to love you
to grow you
to use you for HIS glory.

It's ugly yet beautiful and it is terrifyingly glorious.

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

~Psalm 55:22

 

Easter Is THE Reason

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

~John 3:16

As far back as I can remember, Christmas was my favorite holiday.  I loved everything about it.  As a Christian, of course I celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ with great joy and thanksgiving.  But I am not ashamed of the fact that I loved and enjoyed all the other "stuff" that comes with Christmas (hello! Christmas cookies).

But one Friday afternoon four years ago changed all that. 

Holidays are painful without Matthew.  They remind me of what is missing.  Matthew loved holidays and without him, it's just not the same.

However since his death, the magnitude and beauty of Easter has become so powerful for me.  Christmas and the birth of baby Jesus is wonderful, but it's only the beginning of the story.  Jesus' death and resurrection three days later is where my hope comes from.  Easter is the reason I will see Matthew again.

It overwhelms me, completely.  I am in tears just typing these words.  I am so unworthy of the gift God has given, yet I have received.

I know the pain of losing a son.  I did not choose for my son to die.  And if I had been given the choice, I would have screamed "NO!!!!!!!!!!".

Yet God loves you and me so very much that He willingly let His perfect son come to earth, become human, be mocked, tortured and abused and finally murdered - all for us.  And because He loves me that much, I get to see my baby boy again.  I get to feel his sweet arms around my neck.  I get to hear him say "I love you to the moon and back mommy". 

I long for that day.  I can't wait for him to take my hand and show me the beauty and majesty of heaven.  I can't wait...
But I have to wait.

And that is why Easter overwhelms me.  It's almost too much.  The magnitude of God's love is almost more than I can handle.

There are no words that I can ever say to thank God for this gift.  I can never earn it nor do I deserve it.  Yet, He has freely given it to me.

So, as you celebrate Easter, remember that Easter is THE reason.

I know many of you may be going through some tough times.  Our family is in a definite time of testing right now.  I urge you though, whatever struggles you are facing, cling to the fact that Easter is THE reason for HOPE.

It seems dark now, but I know how the story ends...
JESUS WINS!

I pray you have a blessed Easter.  And I pray you find hope not only in the beauty of the cross, but in the power of the empty tomb.

He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay.

~Matthew 28:6

Easter 2001

Happy Easter in heaven Matthew.  

I can't wait until we get to celebrate and praise God together!!!

I love you to the moon and back!

~Mommy

How Many Times???

That is the question I am asking God right now.
How many times do I have to give up my dreams?
How many times do I have to dig deep?
How many times do I have to force myself to get out of bed everyday?
How many times do I have to choose hope when it would be so easier to just give up?

How many times???

And the truth is, I have no idea...

Once again, we are in the fire, facing a battle.
And once again, I DO NOT want to do this.

I'm tired of the being in the fire.
I'm tired of battles.
I'm tired of heartache.
I''m tired of having hopes and dreams only to have them come crashing down around me.

I could go on and on about what "I'm tired of..."

And there's no end in sight.

So what am I supposed to do?

I'm going to be honest, this battle is one of the toughest yet.

I have buried a child.
A child I loved and adored.
A child wanted to see grow up.
A child I wanted to send to proms and watch graduate from high school.
A child I wanted to see become a man and have a family of his own.

And I have another child.
And I love and adore him too.
And I had the same dreams for him.
I've already had to give up on some of those dreams and the rest of them are now in jeopardy.

And I hate it.
And I am really mad.
And my heart is broken.

So what am I supposed to do???

I don't know.

Here's what I do know...

GOD IS STILL GOD!
He is still on His throne.
He is still in control.

Right now, my life feels completely out of control.
But I know He is here.
Even in this, He is here.

Don't get me wrong, He and I have had some serious conversations lately.
I've said some things that I've later had to apologize for.
I've questioned Him.
I've asked why.
I've asked when is it enough.
And I've asked, HOW MANY TIMES???

And I still don't have any of those answers.

But, I'm going to keep doing what I've done for the last four years.
I'm going to get up everyday (whether I want to or not).
I'm going to put one foot in front of the other.
I'm going to keep saying "I trust you Lord" (even when I can only whisper it).
I'm going to keep reading His word.
And I'm going to praying to Him.

I don't know how many times.
I don't know how many dreams I'll have to give up.
I don't know how much heartache there will be.
I don't know how this situation will end.
And I don't know what will happen next.

I will continue to believe in Proverbs 3:5:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding

It's all I know to do.

In a moment of despair, God brought this word to me from Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I trust Him and I believe Him.
Even when I don't know

HOW MANY TIMES???

It's Been a Little Crazy 'Round Here

WOW! That's all I can say about the month of January.
Just Wow!

We began the month with North Myrtle Beach Mayor, Marilyn Hatley and the City Council issuing a proclamation declaring January as Gun Safety Month.

It was a great honor to receive this and have the work we are doing in Matthew's memory officially recognized in NMB.  To celebrate the month, I did a heavy focus on teaching the Eddie Eagle Gun Safety Program to local children in area day cares, preschools, private schools and churches.  The proclamation also led to an unexpected TV interview.  GOD IS GOOD!

It was amazing to see so many children learning what to do if they find a gun: STOP, DON'T TOUCH, LEAVE THE AREA, and TELL AN ADULT.  I really loved sharing our story and this program, but it took a toll on me.  I soon found myself without a voice and then sick.  Non-the-less, it was completely worth it!  I have had SO many parents tell me their kids have recited those steps over and over and over to them.  GOD IS GOOD!

As I was doing all this, we were also planning for our annual, BIG fundraiser; a Chicken Bog dinner and Silent Auction.  Our volunteers are awesome and they worked so hard at getting items in for the auction.  But, as we got closer to the January 29th event, the forecast for that day was getting worse and worse (and my stress level was going up and up!).  Three days before the event, we had to make the decision to postpone it by two days until the 31st.  I was so disappointed. I knew that there was NO way to have it on the 29th, but I also knew that moving it at the last minute was going to affect turn out.  We ended up with three days of icy roads and four days of cancelled school, but by 4:30 on January, 31st, the roads were clear and we DID have an great event.  

I think cabin fever had set in and everyone was ready to get out.  Profits were not what I had originally hope for but I absolutely CANNOT complain.  We're still collecting on a few final silent auction items, but our profits should come in around the $10,000 mark!  The Matthew Project has been blessed again, and I thank God!!

It's really difficult to put the month of January and what it meant to us in words.  January is a very hard month.  The 22nd marked four years since we lost our sweet Matthew.  I still miss him more everyday.  I think about him everyday.  I wonder how tall he would be, what his voice would sound like, would his hair still be soooooooo blonde...

The list is endless.

Yet having this work in the month of January, having an intentional focus on gun safety in our home town helps ease the pain.  The hope that we are saving children through the work of the Matthew Project keeps us going.  January was a long, tough month.  The emotional and physical strain was real.  But it was so worth it. 

THANK YOU to everyone who helped us this month.  Your prayers, words of encouragement, donations and love do not go unnoticed.  We are very blessed.  

So yep, it's been a little crazy 'round here, but it was worth every crazy, frustrating, stressful moment. 

An Observation...

In 2013, our family celebrated three big life events:

Will turned 18 in June.

Chip & I celebrated our 20th anniversary in July.

And I turned 40 in September.

One of those life events led me to an observation I'd like to share with you.

But first, some background info...
After Matthew's death, I did not want any pictures of our family taken. In late 2008 our family had begun the journey to adoption.  We received our approval letter in August 2009.  In January 2010 we were eagerly awaiting becoming a family of five.  Then unexpectedly, in one split second, we were a family of three.  I did not want to see any physical documentation of that, so NO photos.  It might sound crazy, but it was just something I couldn't bear to see.  I hated the number three because it represented what we were and what I didn't want to be.

Through the grief and pain, we struggled with what to do with our dream of adopting a child from foster care.  We knew God had led us to adoption, but what were we supposed to do now?!?  Our adoption file was officially placed on hold to give us time to figure it out.  All the while, I could not bear the thought of us being a family of three.

In May of that year, we took a trip for Chip's birthday weekend.  I love birthdays and I love making them special for Chip and my boys.  We went to Atlanta for the weekend.  Thankfully, my brother Alex was living in the area and was able to join us to take some of the sting out of our first family trip without Matthew.  We took in a Braves game and I "allowed" the first picture of us to be taken since Matthew's death.  When I look at it now, I see so much pain, exhaustion, and suffering.  At the time I thought it was a picture of survival.  Little did we know, there was another huge challenge ahead for us.  Seven months after the picture was taken, we ended up with Will in a traumatic, dangerous situation and faced the possibility of losing a second child in less than a year. 

Those of you who know what our family went through during that time know the miracle God performed and how our family was blessed beyond measure.  Out of love and respect for my son, that is all I'm going to share about the experience.

The events of December 2010 were a turning point for us.  In the months after Matthew's death, I watched my family slowly fall apart.  And I begged God over and over again to save it.  The collateral damage from the death of a child is huge and widespread.  Pain and destruction were winning with my family and it was horrible.

But one experience changed it all.

From that point on we began to move forward.  There were and still are set backs, but December 2010 was the definite turning point.  You all know how I believe Romans 8:28 is being lived out in my family, this is just one more example.

In February 2011, we reopened our adoption file. 

Our adoption story is painful and hard for me to talk about.  We wanted it desperately.  And it failed.  We did have a child placed with us in the summer of 2011.  She was removed from our home a month later.  The thing we feared the most happened.  And we were done!

I don't know why our adoption process was so hard.  I don't know why it didn't work.  I don't know if we stepped outside of God's will somewhere along the way.  I don't know if Matthew's death changed it.  I just don't know.

What I do know is this.  Having a child placed with us for just one month and removed changed us.  Again, Romans 8:28.  After she left, we knew we could be a family of three and be just fine.  Suddenly the number three didn't hurt so much after all.

So even though our adoption attempt failed, God used it for good.  He used it to teach us that we were okay.  And that was a HUGE lesson for this momma.

And I still pray for the child that we lost.  I pray she has received the help she needed.  I pray she has found a family that can love her the way she deserves to be loved.  I pray the broken DSS system has somehow worked for this child.

So after the summer of 2011, we knew we would be a family of three.

And it is okay.

Now, onto my observation...
For Will's birthday in June, we had a small family party.  And because I love to have pictures taken of my family again, of course there is a picture of the three of us. 

There is a huge difference between 2010 and 2013.
Comparing these two photos, I see God.

I see HIS goodness, mercy and grace.

I see HIS healing.

I see HIS love.

I see a family restored.

And I am thankful beyond measure.

May 2010

June 2013

I love the two men in my life beyond what I can describe.  I thank God everyday for them.  I thank God everyday for restoring us.

And I thank God that one day, we will be reunited as a family of four...

For ETERNITY !