Five Long Years...

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.  ~Revelation 21:4

Today I have lived five years on this earth without my youngest son.

Five long, exhausting, and heartbreaking years with a piece of my heart missing.

One thousand eight hundred and twenty six days.

And that is exactly one thousand eight hundred and twenty six days too many.

January 22, 2010...the day that everything changed.

The day that life as I knew it ended.

The day that left a wound deep inside my soul and scars buried within my heart.

I’ve read many books regarding the death of a child since losing Matthew. I’ve been through a few rounds of counseling and studied grief extensively while completing my own counseling degree. I’ve read the book of Job, studied the Psalms, and prayed for understanding more hours than I can count.

And it still doesn’t make sense to me.

It still seems completely unfair.

I still miss him more every day. 

Matthew was what made our family complete. 

Life without him will never feel right.

I truly believe the promise found in Romans 8:28. I truly believe that God works all things for good for those who love HIM. I see the good HE is bringing from Matthew’s death. But if I’m totally honest, I would trade it all in a heartbeat to have my son back. I miss my son. And sometimes the pain and longing is still so much it completely overwhelms me. 

We’ve celebrated five of everything without him – five Easters, Mother’s Days, Father’s Days, Fourth of Julys, Thanksgivings, Christmases, and New Years. We’ve marked his birthday five times without him. School years have started and ended five times without him. I’ve watched many of his friends turn 16, get their driver’s license, and get their class rings…all things Matthew should doing.

And it all keeps getting harder.

The last five years have been a roller coaster of emotions. We get stronger day by day and there have been some good moments, but there have been a lot of really, really hard moments. By nothing other than the grace of God, we have made it this far. Today I celebrate the fact that I am still standing, and I know it is only because of God's faithfulness to never leave or forsake me. Chip and I have grown closer to God - day by day, sometimes minute by minute as we walk through this journey. And, we have grown closer to each other as a result of drawing closer to HIM. It's all an amazingly beautiful mess. 

Through the good, the bad, and the really really ugly of the last five years - there are a few things I have learned to be true and constant:

God is God and I am not.

God is good.

God is all knowing, all powerful, and HE is in complete control.

Matthew’s life was important. 

Matthew left a lasting legacy.

And even though we are way out of our comfort zone, The Matthew Bellamy Project is our calling. 

The work we are doing in Matthew's memory does matter. I believe that with all I am. And today, as we remember our son on the fifth anniversary of his death, I beg of you to remember a few things: 

PLEASE to not become complacent. 

PLEASE do not take gun safety for granted in your own home – with your own children. 

DON’T assume it can’t or won't happen again. 

It only takes one mistake, one second, for a family to be torn apart. 
Help me honor my son’s life and memory by protecting your child from unsecured guns. I’ve worked with many, many kids over the past few years in a variety of settings. One thing that has become crystal clear to me is that kids know where the guns in their homes are. You may think they are hidden and your kids don’t know where they are but trust me, they do! I realize that some of the stories kids tell me are just that, “stories”. But not all of them are. Many of these kids do know without a doubt where guns are "hidden" in their homes. 

So today, on the fifth anniversary of my son’s death, I’m asking gun owners to stop and evaluate how guns are stored in your home. Evaluate what your kids know and what they may need to know. 

And to those who do not have guns in your home, your kids still need to be educated. National statistics show that at least 1/3 of all homes in our country have at least one gun in it. I believe that number is much higher here in the south. Even if they are not in your home, your child will end up in a home that has guns. Period.
Will he or she know what to do if they find one? 

Do you ask about unsecured firearms before your child goes somewhere? You should. It is your right to know. Remember, our family owns guns - which have always been locked in a safe that our children cannot access. Our son died because someone else did not take the same precautions we do. Ask.

Finally, I want to remind you to appreciate what you have – every single day. It is so easy to get lost in the busyness of life and lose sight of what really matters. 

I’d give anything to see my son again, to hear his voice, to feel his arms wrapped around me, to be able to stand over his bed and watch him sleep at night...the list could go on and on.

Do not take one single day for granted mommas. 
Not one single day.     

You will never have this day with your child again – make the most of it!

It has been a hard five years. And I know we likely have many, many more to go before we are reunited with our Matthew. I know I'll never understand any of on this on this side of Heaven. I just want to faithfully accept it and follow HIS leading. I want to be a faithful steward of our story. I want to honor God and I want to honor Matthew's memory. I pray I get this right.

Thank you for once again allowing me to share from my broken momma's heart. Sometimes it still feels a little unreal that this is our story.
But it is the path God has chosen for us -
So onward I will go.
~Mylissa

Matthew Kenneth Bellamy
August 18, 1998 - January 22, 2010

Thank you for coming into our world and making it a better place my sweet Matthew.
I'm eternally grateful that God chose me to be your mommy.

I miss you more than words can say.

I know that one day we will all be together again - and that promise is what keeps me going.

I love you to the moon and back.

~Mommy

It's Been a Little Crazy 'Round Here

WOW! That's all I can say about the month of January.
Just Wow!

We began the month with North Myrtle Beach Mayor, Marilyn Hatley and the City Council issuing a proclamation declaring January as Gun Safety Month.

It was a great honor to receive this and have the work we are doing in Matthew's memory officially recognized in NMB.  To celebrate the month, I did a heavy focus on teaching the Eddie Eagle Gun Safety Program to local children in area day cares, preschools, private schools and churches.  The proclamation also led to an unexpected TV interview.  GOD IS GOOD!

It was amazing to see so many children learning what to do if they find a gun: STOP, DON'T TOUCH, LEAVE THE AREA, and TELL AN ADULT.  I really loved sharing our story and this program, but it took a toll on me.  I soon found myself without a voice and then sick.  Non-the-less, it was completely worth it!  I have had SO many parents tell me their kids have recited those steps over and over and over to them.  GOD IS GOOD!

As I was doing all this, we were also planning for our annual, BIG fundraiser; a Chicken Bog dinner and Silent Auction.  Our volunteers are awesome and they worked so hard at getting items in for the auction.  But, as we got closer to the January 29th event, the forecast for that day was getting worse and worse (and my stress level was going up and up!).  Three days before the event, we had to make the decision to postpone it by two days until the 31st.  I was so disappointed. I knew that there was NO way to have it on the 29th, but I also knew that moving it at the last minute was going to affect turn out.  We ended up with three days of icy roads and four days of cancelled school, but by 4:30 on January, 31st, the roads were clear and we DID have an great event.  

I think cabin fever had set in and everyone was ready to get out.  Profits were not what I had originally hope for but I absolutely CANNOT complain.  We're still collecting on a few final silent auction items, but our profits should come in around the $10,000 mark!  The Matthew Project has been blessed again, and I thank God!!

It's really difficult to put the month of January and what it meant to us in words.  January is a very hard month.  The 22nd marked four years since we lost our sweet Matthew.  I still miss him more everyday.  I think about him everyday.  I wonder how tall he would be, what his voice would sound like, would his hair still be soooooooo blonde...

The list is endless.

Yet having this work in the month of January, having an intentional focus on gun safety in our home town helps ease the pain.  The hope that we are saving children through the work of the Matthew Project keeps us going.  January was a long, tough month.  The emotional and physical strain was real.  But it was so worth it. 

THANK YOU to everyone who helped us this month.  Your prayers, words of encouragement, donations and love do not go unnoticed.  We are very blessed.  

So yep, it's been a little crazy 'round here, but it was worth every crazy, frustrating, stressful moment. 

Humbled and Overwhelmed

I have hesitated to write this post.  I never want to appear as though I am seeking praise for the work we do through the Matthew Project.  It started out as something Chip and I felt we had to do.  We needed to make Matthew’s death matter by trying to save other children.  And, God has blessed our efforts, tremendously.  But the truth still remains, no matter how much good comes from our work, I would rather have my son.  And that my friends, will never change.  I am a mom, and given the choice, I would choose to have my son alive and well. 

But, that is not how God has written my story.  And so, our work continues…

As I said, Chip and I felt we had to start the project.  We needed to tell Matthew’s story, make sure other parents knew the risks, and educate children on firearm safety.  It honestly was a survival mechanism to start with.  We had to make something positive come from losing our child.

And then, it changed.  It became a passion, a mission and a calling.  God was in fact calling us to something far bigger than ourselves.  Bigger than anything we had ever imagined.  And it has taken me way out of my comfort zone!

There is a risk in being open and public about our story.  Guns are a controversial subject.  And even though we are not responsible for Matthew’s death, there are stupid people in the world.

And you canNOT fix stupid.

We met one of those people last weekend.  He was rude to one of the ladies working our booth.  Chip tried to speak to him and explain the heart of our mission.  The man refused to listen…and said something horrible to my husband.  Honestly, I don’t know how Chip didn’t punch the man…it was that bad!  This man made an assumption, assumed we left a gun out that killed our child, and said something way out of line.  Yes, this man has a right to feel however he wants about his rights to have his gun unsecured, but he did not have the right to speak to Chip the way he did.  I saw the hurt on my hubby’s face.  And I saw God give him the self-control to walk away from a situation that could have gotten really ugly.

You may wonder why I’m sharing this.  

I’m doing it so you will understand how important the rest of this post is.

We don’t get to see the rewards of the work we do through the Matthew Project.  We have given away thousands of gun locks, but we don’t know how many of them are actually used.  We don’t have a list of children that have actually not been shot because we gave away a gun lock.  We don’t know how many parents don’t get divorced because their child didn’t die and their family wasn’t destroyed.

We just do our work and pray…

My mom always tells me when we get to Heaven; God will have a list of the children and families we saved.  But that doesn’t help when we encounter folks like “Mr. Rudeness” from last weekend.  He wasn’t the first and he won’t be the last.  It is part of the risk, part of what we endure to share our story.  People are passionate about their guns.  It get that…I am married to one of those people! 

But when someone doesn’t listen to what we are saying, 

when they don’t hear that we are gun safety not control (BIG difference),

when they make assumptions, it can get ugly…FAST.  

But God is so infinitely good and so much bigger than the ugliness and stupidity of this world.

And now, the part of the story I have been hesitant to share…

A few weeks ago, God showed me a small glance of the good that comes from the Matthew Project.  HE gave me a fabulous blessing.

A friend of ours was asked to speak for a group of peers…educators in the Horry County School District.  He chose to speak on being inspirational, and he chose to use our story.  

And I am still humbled and overwhelmed.

I do not do this work for attention.  I am learning to seek opportunities for attention on our message, but never attention for myself.  The whole experience made me slightly uncomfortable.  But, by the time it was over, I saw that God had given me a tremendous gift. 

The beginning of the presentation on being inspirational referred to a book by Andy Andrews called The Butterfly Effect: How Your Life Matters.  The description of the book is as follows:

Did you know that one flutter of a butterfly's wings could change weather patterns---and that the minor choices we make could launch ripple effects into the future? Andrews's compelling story about how one man's choice made over 100 years ago affects today's world will inspire you to do the right thing---even when it's difficult.

It is a beautiful book that reminds readers how important every move they make can be.

And then, it was tied into our family’s story.

                The loss of our beloved Matthew…

                The choices we could have made after his death…

                The way our story could have been written…

                And the choice we made to not be destroyed and defeated.

We chose Faith, Hope and Love…

And it was a choice.

I’ve said it before.  After the death of a child there comes a moment when you confront your faith and decide it is either all true or none of it is true.  You know the choice for my family…

God is real and HE is good!

Now, back to my story…

I was able to attend this presentation on being inspirational.  I was able to hear the ‘Butterfly Effect’ discussed.  I was able to hear uplifting, kind words spoken about my family.  I was able to see my sweet Matthew’s face in the power point and feel peace.  

And then, God spoke to my heart and it was beautiful.

As I was driving home from the presentation, I had the ah-ha moment.  

Chip and I have been so incredibly focused on saving children and families.  We desperately want to spare other parents and siblings the pain and loss our family has experienced.  But this presentation on the ‘Butterfly Effect’ made me think of our work in a whole new way.  We believe we are saving children.  But the effects of what we do go far beyond that.  If we save a child, what will they then go on to do:

                Cure cancer?

                End world hunger?

                Be the next Billy Graham?

                What work will they do for THE Kingdom?

                How many lives do they save? 

                And what do those lives go on to do?

Y’all, I’m literally crying sitting here thinking about this.  

What great things will happen (far beyond what I ever imagined) from the brief eleven year life of Matthew Kenneth Bellamy and the choices made after his death???

Please do not think I am saying any of this out of pride or for attention and praise.  That is the last thing I want and that is why I have hesitated to write this post.  I am writing so that you will see the goodness, the greatness, and the love of God.  He has called my family to an unimaginable task, but HE has not left us alone for one single millisecond.  HE is with us every moment. 

HE was there when

Chip received that horrible phone call

When we buried our baby

When we nearly gave up on our marriage

When we felt the call to start the Matthew Project

When we wonder if any of our work matters

When people are mean and hurtful

When we feel like we just can’t keep doing this

When we are way outside our comfort zone (like writing this post!)

When we miss Matthew until it physically hurts

And HE was there in that room as someone spoke of my family being inspirational.  HE was providing inspiration and encouragement that I desperately needed.  HE was giving me a reward for obedience.  

I know my ultimate reward doesn’t come until I get to Heaven, when I see my Savior and my Matthew.  But I am so incredibly grateful for a humbling, overwhelming experience that gave me just a small glance of the GREAT things God can do through two ordinary, unprepared, everyday people like Chip and Mylissa Bellamy; two grieving, broken parents. 
If HE can use us, HE can use anybody…

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

~Galatians 6:9

What will you do today that will have a 

‘Butterfly Effect’ on tomorrow??? 

little bitty me, great BIG God

Have you seen it yet???

/

It's our new billboard for the Matthew Project.  But for me, it's so much more...

You see, I've prayed for this billboard, in this spot for over two years.  I was told financially, the project couldn't afford it yet.  But I did not give up.  I believed that this sign was supposed to be here.  So I did the only thing I knew to do...PRAY!

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

~Philippians 4:6

It wasn't something I prayed for everyday, but it was something I prayed for faithfully.  And God answered in a mighty way.  HE provided this billboard at a cost the project can afford.  HE put the right people in place to make it happen.  When I drive by it, I am still amazed at how HE answered my prayer. On my own I was powerless to make this happen. But with God...

ALL things are possible!

~Matthew 19:26

What are you facing right now?  What situation seems impossible for you?  You might be small in comparison to the problem, but God isn't.  I encourage you to pray, faithfully, believing that God will answer. 

Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

~John 16:24 

My billboard story might seem silly to you.  To me it's prove of God's greatness. I wanted this to happen so desperately for our ministry.  I wanted our message in this location, where parent's will see it taking their kids to school.  I wanted people to remember Matthew's accident and be cautious with their kids.  And I trusted God to make it happen.  HE did, in HIS perfect timing!

Did I mention that the same week this went up, Matthew's story received it's first national press coverage???  Yes indeed, our story is featured in May's issue of Parent's Magazine in an article on gun safety.  See what I mean about God's perfect timing?  I did this interview in 2011.  It was printed when God knew the time was right.

I believe in the work Chip and I are doing in Matthew's memory.  I also believe God is in control of it.  Without HIM, little bitty me is powerless.  With my great BIG God...great things are happening!

Praise God from whom all blessing flow!