Somebody Lied to Me!

"God won't give you more than you can handle".

Have you ever heard that phrase?
I have...many times.
But my life certainly feels like more than I can handle!

So decided to spend a little time searching to see if there was any Biblical basis for that saying.  You know what???  I couldn't find it!

In 1 Corinthians, the Bible says God will not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear, but it doesn't say anything about not giving us more than we can handle.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind.  And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

~1 Corinthians 10:13

What a relief!!!
Because my life certainly feels like more than I can handle!!! I've been living a Job-like life for almost five years now. The first devastating, put-you-on-your-knees event actually occurred in September 2009 - 4 months before Matthew's death.

And the hits just keep on coming!
I've shared most of our struggles publicly, but some are only known by those closest to us.  The highlights include Matthew's death, Will's struggles, a fight (knock-down-drag-out) to save our marriage, and a failed adoption.  And right now, we're facing two major challenges. One involves Will and the other is deeply personal as well as hurtful to Chip and me.  This is all WAY more than I can bear!  This is straight up spiritual warfare and I'm tired from it.  My family continues to be attacked.  There are many days when I feel like I cannot go on for one more second.  Life just feels too hard!
Can you relate???
Can I get an AMEN?!?!?

But you know what?  God has and is using every one of these things.
Every single one of them.

When I do not have the strength, I have learned to rely on HIS strength.
When I cannot take one more step, I have learned to let HIM carry me.
These lessons have not come easy and I am still learning so many things. Complete surrender is so very hard and I don't know if I'll ever truly get there.  It is a process that will last the rest of my life. 

I've experienced some really dark moments.  I have found myself on my knees (and sometimes on my face) crying out to God to please take it all way.  I've asked "why" more times than I can count.  I've been frustrated with God and I've been truly mad at HIM.  My struggles have been really, really ugly sometimes.

But HE is growing me through all this mess.
And this growth would not be possible without the mess. 

And I think God wants it to be more than I can bear.  HE wants me to completely depend on HIM.  HE wants me to rely fully on HIS strength, not my own.  HE wants to carry me through this.  God never intended for me to do this alone.  Not for one single second.

And I am so incredibly grateful.

My life is more than I can bear.
And, God is so much bigger than all of it.
ALL OF IT.

God. Is. Enough.

Thank you Lord for your unending grace and compassion.
Thank you that your love never fails!

So yes, somebody lied.  
I believe God will give you more than you can handle.  
Then HE will meet you there -
to love you
to grow you
to use you for HIS glory.

It's ugly yet beautiful and it is terrifyingly glorious.

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

~Psalm 55:22

 

Humbled and Overwhelmed

I have hesitated to write this post.  I never want to appear as though I am seeking praise for the work we do through the Matthew Project.  It started out as something Chip and I felt we had to do.  We needed to make Matthew’s death matter by trying to save other children.  And, God has blessed our efforts, tremendously.  But the truth still remains, no matter how much good comes from our work, I would rather have my son.  And that my friends, will never change.  I am a mom, and given the choice, I would choose to have my son alive and well. 

But, that is not how God has written my story.  And so, our work continues…

As I said, Chip and I felt we had to start the project.  We needed to tell Matthew’s story, make sure other parents knew the risks, and educate children on firearm safety.  It honestly was a survival mechanism to start with.  We had to make something positive come from losing our child.

And then, it changed.  It became a passion, a mission and a calling.  God was in fact calling us to something far bigger than ourselves.  Bigger than anything we had ever imagined.  And it has taken me way out of my comfort zone!

There is a risk in being open and public about our story.  Guns are a controversial subject.  And even though we are not responsible for Matthew’s death, there are stupid people in the world.

And you canNOT fix stupid.

We met one of those people last weekend.  He was rude to one of the ladies working our booth.  Chip tried to speak to him and explain the heart of our mission.  The man refused to listen…and said something horrible to my husband.  Honestly, I don’t know how Chip didn’t punch the man…it was that bad!  This man made an assumption, assumed we left a gun out that killed our child, and said something way out of line.  Yes, this man has a right to feel however he wants about his rights to have his gun unsecured, but he did not have the right to speak to Chip the way he did.  I saw the hurt on my hubby’s face.  And I saw God give him the self-control to walk away from a situation that could have gotten really ugly.

You may wonder why I’m sharing this.  

I’m doing it so you will understand how important the rest of this post is.

We don’t get to see the rewards of the work we do through the Matthew Project.  We have given away thousands of gun locks, but we don’t know how many of them are actually used.  We don’t have a list of children that have actually not been shot because we gave away a gun lock.  We don’t know how many parents don’t get divorced because their child didn’t die and their family wasn’t destroyed.

We just do our work and pray…

My mom always tells me when we get to Heaven; God will have a list of the children and families we saved.  But that doesn’t help when we encounter folks like “Mr. Rudeness” from last weekend.  He wasn’t the first and he won’t be the last.  It is part of the risk, part of what we endure to share our story.  People are passionate about their guns.  It get that…I am married to one of those people! 

But when someone doesn’t listen to what we are saying, 

when they don’t hear that we are gun safety not control (BIG difference),

when they make assumptions, it can get ugly…FAST.  

But God is so infinitely good and so much bigger than the ugliness and stupidity of this world.

And now, the part of the story I have been hesitant to share…

A few weeks ago, God showed me a small glance of the good that comes from the Matthew Project.  HE gave me a fabulous blessing.

A friend of ours was asked to speak for a group of peers…educators in the Horry County School District.  He chose to speak on being inspirational, and he chose to use our story.  

And I am still humbled and overwhelmed.

I do not do this work for attention.  I am learning to seek opportunities for attention on our message, but never attention for myself.  The whole experience made me slightly uncomfortable.  But, by the time it was over, I saw that God had given me a tremendous gift. 

The beginning of the presentation on being inspirational referred to a book by Andy Andrews called The Butterfly Effect: How Your Life Matters.  The description of the book is as follows:

Did you know that one flutter of a butterfly's wings could change weather patterns---and that the minor choices we make could launch ripple effects into the future? Andrews's compelling story about how one man's choice made over 100 years ago affects today's world will inspire you to do the right thing---even when it's difficult.

It is a beautiful book that reminds readers how important every move they make can be.

And then, it was tied into our family’s story.

                The loss of our beloved Matthew…

                The choices we could have made after his death…

                The way our story could have been written…

                And the choice we made to not be destroyed and defeated.

We chose Faith, Hope and Love…

And it was a choice.

I’ve said it before.  After the death of a child there comes a moment when you confront your faith and decide it is either all true or none of it is true.  You know the choice for my family…

God is real and HE is good!

Now, back to my story…

I was able to attend this presentation on being inspirational.  I was able to hear the ‘Butterfly Effect’ discussed.  I was able to hear uplifting, kind words spoken about my family.  I was able to see my sweet Matthew’s face in the power point and feel peace.  

And then, God spoke to my heart and it was beautiful.

As I was driving home from the presentation, I had the ah-ha moment.  

Chip and I have been so incredibly focused on saving children and families.  We desperately want to spare other parents and siblings the pain and loss our family has experienced.  But this presentation on the ‘Butterfly Effect’ made me think of our work in a whole new way.  We believe we are saving children.  But the effects of what we do go far beyond that.  If we save a child, what will they then go on to do:

                Cure cancer?

                End world hunger?

                Be the next Billy Graham?

                What work will they do for THE Kingdom?

                How many lives do they save? 

                And what do those lives go on to do?

Y’all, I’m literally crying sitting here thinking about this.  

What great things will happen (far beyond what I ever imagined) from the brief eleven year life of Matthew Kenneth Bellamy and the choices made after his death???

Please do not think I am saying any of this out of pride or for attention and praise.  That is the last thing I want and that is why I have hesitated to write this post.  I am writing so that you will see the goodness, the greatness, and the love of God.  He has called my family to an unimaginable task, but HE has not left us alone for one single millisecond.  HE is with us every moment. 

HE was there when

Chip received that horrible phone call

When we buried our baby

When we nearly gave up on our marriage

When we felt the call to start the Matthew Project

When we wonder if any of our work matters

When people are mean and hurtful

When we feel like we just can’t keep doing this

When we are way outside our comfort zone (like writing this post!)

When we miss Matthew until it physically hurts

And HE was there in that room as someone spoke of my family being inspirational.  HE was providing inspiration and encouragement that I desperately needed.  HE was giving me a reward for obedience.  

I know my ultimate reward doesn’t come until I get to Heaven, when I see my Savior and my Matthew.  But I am so incredibly grateful for a humbling, overwhelming experience that gave me just a small glance of the GREAT things God can do through two ordinary, unprepared, everyday people like Chip and Mylissa Bellamy; two grieving, broken parents. 
If HE can use us, HE can use anybody…

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

~Galatians 6:9

What will you do today that will have a 

‘Butterfly Effect’ on tomorrow??? 

A Three Year Journey...It's Only the Beginning

One Thousand Ninety Five Days...
That's how long it's been since I've heard my sweet baby boy's voice, felt his hugs, smelled his hair, known his physical presence. One thousand ninety five days...

Three years ago, January 22, 2010, my life was so "normal" at the start of the day.  I was just a busy wife and mom, doing my thing.  I loved my life. I loved my family. I was blessed and I knew it.

I remember seeing Matthew hugging Chip by the kitchen sink that morning. I remember saying "I love you".  I remember hearing "I love you too!" I remember watching him walk up the sidewalk into school. I wish I had watched a little longer. I remember my last moments of being normal.  And then, late in the afternoon, there was a phone call. The call that changed everything...

That's where the memories get fuzzy.  I remember hearing screams, were they mine? Yes, they must have been.

I remember people, lots and lots of people.

I remember telling Will. I wish I could erase that memory from my mind.

I remember waiting to see Matthew. I would NOT believe it was him until I saw him. Maybe there had been a mistake.

I remember someone giving me his shoes. I still would not believe it. I HAD to see him.

And then, I saw him...
It was true.
My baby boy had left us.
He was gone.
It really was him.
There had been no mistake.
I felt faint and nauseous.
My head was spinning.
HOW could this be happening???
WHY was this happening???
WHAT were we supposed to do now???

The next few days were a blur.  It's impossible to describe what it's like to plan a funeral for your child; except to say it is a living nightmare, truly hell on earth.  We were surrounded with people and love, but somehow, I had never felt so lonely and lost.  And it was only the beginning...

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me

~Psalm 23:4

The day we buried Matthew was only the beginning of our nightmare. Satan was not finished messing with my family. We had many dark desperate moments to endure for almost two years after we lost Matthew. We had to move from our home. We almost lost Will 11 months after Matthew's accident. We had to fight, hard, to save our marriage. The nightmare would not end.

We tried to move forward by starting The Matthew Bellamy Project. The devil turned up the heat.  But still Chip and I believed God led us to start it and we DID NOT give up.

God has used our little non-profit to bless us in so many ways. It has helped to heal our hearts. It has taught us to trust in God and believe in his plan. And, it has helped give purpose Matthew's senseless death.  We may never see the results of what we do. We may never know if a child has been saved because of Matthew's story. But we pray everyday that God will use us and the project for HIS glory.  It is our ministry and as much as we promote gun safety, we also want it to be about the goodness of God .

During those first two years, we had to make a decision of lifelong significance. We had begun the adoption process in 2008. Our hearts desire was to adopt a little girl from foster care. After losing Matthew, we had to take some time and really reevaluate that desire. Eventually, after much prayer and thought we decided to continue with our adoption plans.

This part of our story does not have a happy ending...

There were two little girls we desperately wanted, even believed God had chosen for us.  We waited and waited to see if we would be chosen at their family. But, we were not chosen to be their family and it was another set back.

A short time later, a child was placed in our home. After only a month, the state removed her from our home. There were many issues and it was not a good situation. It was for the best. It broke our hearts non the less.

So, after the death of a biological child and two failed attempts at adoption, we closed the adoption chapter and moved on.

It took me some time to get over the failed adoption. Sometimes I still wonder if I am "over it". But I can see that having a child in our home and then removed taught us a very important lesson. Before she came, I couldn't bare the thought of there just being three of us. I hated the thought!!! I had always wanted more children. All I ever wanted to be was a mommy. After she left, I learned that we ARE okay.  Matthew being ripped from our lives nearly destroyed us. Now the three of us are closer than ever. I can now thank God for a failed adoption.  It was a necessary step in the healing of my family.  Did God intend for her stay with us to be so short? I don't know. But like so many other parts of our story, HE has used it for good (Romans 8:28).

I still think about the child we lost. I pray for her and hope she has found the help she needed.

My mind becomes overwhelmed if I think about those first two years too much. They were so very hard..

but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;  

they will run and not grow weary, 
they will walk and not be faint

~Isaiah 40:31

Last January, we decided to take our first family vacation without Matthew. Will got to choose the destination and he chose the happiest place on earth...Disney World.  We have had many wonderful trips there with our boys. It was a very bittersweet trip. There were so many wonderful memories of Matthew in every corner. But we created so many wonderful new memories also. Another HUGE step in the healing process.  The best moment, and one I will never forget, came when Will looked at me and said "we are finally a family again". Friends, I cannot tell you how many times during those two years I had begged God to restore my family. I honestly did not care about anything else. I just wanted my family back.  My son's words were some of the most precious I have ever heard!

As hard and unbearable as the first two years were, this last one has been one of healing. I can see a huge difference in all three of us. Don't get me wrong, there are still many days of tears and sadness. Sometimes one of us wakes up with what we call "Matthew brain", and there is nothing we can do but roll with it.
The pain is as real today as it was on day one.
We have learned it will never go away.
But neither does God's grace and love.
That's what gets us through the hard moments. And thankfully, there are now more steps forward than backwards.

I still think of Matthew everyday, a lot. I still miss him until it hurts (literally) sometimes. I still don't understand why.  I still want him back. Those things will never change. But I now have a relationship with God I never could have had without these past one thousand ninety five days. The beginning of this journey broke me, completely. There came a moment when I literally had to choose to believe in everything I knew about God or let it all go. It was either all true or none of it was true. I chose to believe. All I know to do is trust in God. Believe he is control. There is NO other option for me.  I cannot travel this journey with the HIM. And because I have trusted HIM, He has revealed himself to me and blessed me in ways I could never have imagined. He has led me on a path I never would have taken without learning to fully rely in HIM after Matthew's death.

So, I'm saying to you now, one thousand ninety five days after I lost my Matthew,  

GOD IS GOOD!

Believe it. 

Trust in it. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. 

~Proverbs 3:4-7

I wish I was not on this journey.
I wish my Matthew was upstairs wrestling with his brother.
I wish I had not seen, heard and felt the things that happened in those first two years.

I wish I did not have this story to tell.

But I am on this journey.
Matthew is not upstairs.
I have seen, heard and felt things you would not believe.

And this is my story...

I pray I am a good steward with what God has entrusted me with. 
Not just today, but for everyday until I see my Matthew again and meet my Savior face to face. 
To God be the glory. Great things He has done!

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

~Revelation 21:4

I love you to the moon and back Matthew...

and even more.