I'm Not Feeling It, But...

Last November I shared with you how hard this time of year is for me.  I miss Matthew terribly during Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It seems as if everything around me reminds me that a piece of my heart is gone forever.

I know November is a time to be thankful and count our blessings, but honestly, most days I'm just not feeling it.

But I am reminded of God’s word:

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

~1 Thessalonians 5:18

So I am choosing to do something different this year. 

I am choosing to be thankful for the many gifts and blessings that have come because of the loss of my son.   

God has provided many things that would not be if Matthew had not died.  So even though I would much rather have my son, I am thankful for what God has provided in Matthew’s absence. 

NEW FRIENDSHIPS: There are some beautiful women in my life who were mere acquaintances four years ago.  These women have become trusted sisters in Christ and trusted prayer warriors for my family.  While some people (even family members) are afraid of my grief, rarely mention Matthew’s name and simply cannot deal with the reality that is my life, these women have jumped in the trenches with me.  They laugh with me on the good days and hold me as I cry on the really hard days.  They are a blessing and have served as the literal hands and feet of God at times. 

THE MATTHEW PROJECT: When Chip and I felt led to start our nonprofit, we truly had no idea what would become of it.  We did not know if there was a need.   We did not know if we would do this for a few weeks, months or years.  I now think I will run this organization for a very long time.  This year, I have seen some amazing things happen through the Matthew Project that could only have been orchestrated by God.  At the end of August, I was able to leave my job and dedicate myself to the project full time.  It is really neat to see the words of Romans 8:28 at work through the Matthew Project.  

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD: The struggles and darkness my family has faced has been indescribable.  The pain has been and is still really hard.  BUT, in facing these things and trusting God with them, I have a relationship with HIM that would not have been possible any other way.  And it is a beautiful relationship.  

LESSONS LEARNED: It is a daily choice to not be consumed.  It is a daily act of submission to HIS will.  It is a daily act of giving it all to HIM.  But I have learned HE is bigger than it ALL! 

SCHOOL: For many years I wanted to finish my degree, but never did anything about it.  It was just a dream.  My struggles have given me COURAGE that I never knew before.  One result of that courage is enrolling in Liberty University Online in January.  Some days, I wonder, “What was I thinking???”, but I am so glad I have taken this step and thankful for God leading me to it.

A VOICE:  God has given me a literal voice.  I pray that God uses our story to impact others for HIM.  I want to honor Matthew’s memory and God.  Early on in this journey, I realized that for that to happen, I had to physically speak and I was terrified.  I prayed for a voice because I knew I could not do it.  God answered and I pray that when I speak, HIS presence is felt.

  

A NEW PERSPECTIVE: Life. Is. Short.

Matthew made a huge impact in eleven short years.  He did so by genuinely caring about others, showing love to them and making the most of every moment.  I want that for my life.  He is my inspiration!

THIS BLOG:  God told me (over and over and over again!) that I was supposed to be writing and sharing with other women.  I told HIM "no" (over and over and over again!).  Obviously, I eventually gave in.  I am still very uncomfortable with this.  But I thank HIM for using our story and my struggles again to help others.  I believe that when we are transparent and share our stories, good and bad, we encourage each other.  Life is hard.  Ladies, we need each other!!!

JOY: Yes, Joy.  I have learned that joy is a choice.  God calls HIS children to live a life of joy.  In the book of James we are even told to count our trials as joy:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,  whenever you face trials of many kinds.

~James 1:2 

 So to me, joy is not about the condition of my circumstances, it’s about the condition of my heart.  It is about the focus of my heart.  And through the loss of my son, I have found the source of true joy.  The world cannot provide anything that even comes close to the joy of Christ.

So yes, I need you prayers right now.  This is an incredibly hard time of the year.  I will miss seeing him play football with his cousins on Thanksgiving Day terribly.  

I will miss my little ball of energy, with his great big smile, bouncing around full of Christmas Spirit. 

   

But I will reflect on these blessings.  And I will praise God.

Thank you for allowing me to share my blessings with you tonight.  My heart was heavy today.  This time of reflection has lightened my load.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your families. Treasure your moments together.  

And I pray that you can give thanks in all circumstances. 

~Mylissa