That's how long it's been since I've heard my sweet baby boy's voice, felt his hugs, smelled his hair, known his physical presence. One thousand ninety five days...
Three years ago, January 22, 2010, my life was so "normal" at the start of the day. I was just a busy wife and mom, doing my thing. I loved my life. I loved my family. I was blessed and I knew it.
I remember seeing Matthew hugging Chip by the kitchen sink that morning. I remember saying "I love you". I remember hearing "I love you too!" I remember watching him walk up the sidewalk into school. I wish I had watched a little longer. I remember my last moments of being normal. And then, late in the afternoon, there was a phone call. The call that changed everything...
That's where the memories get fuzzy. I remember hearing screams, were they mine? Yes, they must have been.
I remember people, lots and lots of people.
I remember telling Will. I wish I could erase that memory from my mind.
I remember waiting to see Matthew. I would NOT believe it was him until I saw him. Maybe there had been a mistake.
I remember someone giving me his shoes. I still would not believe it. I HAD to see him.
And then, I saw him...
It was true.
My baby boy had left us.
He was gone.
It really was him.
There had been no mistake.
I felt faint and nauseous.
My head was spinning.
HOW could this be happening???
WHY was this happening???
WHAT were we supposed to do now???
The next few days were a blur. It's impossible to describe what it's like to plan a funeral for your child; except to say it is a living nightmare, truly hell on earth. We were surrounded with people and love, but somehow, I had never felt so lonely and lost. And it was only the beginning...
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me~Psalm 23:4
The day we buried Matthew was only the beginning of our nightmare. Satan was not finished messing with my family. We had many dark desperate moments to endure for almost two years after we lost Matthew. We had to move from our home. We almost lost Will 11 months after Matthew's accident. We had to fight, hard, to save our marriage. The nightmare would not end.
We tried to move forward by starting The Matthew Bellamy Project. The devil turned up the heat. But still Chip and I believed God led us to start it and we DID NOT give up.
God has used our little non-profit to bless us in so many ways. It has helped to heal our hearts. It has taught us to trust in God and believe in his plan. And, it has helped give purpose Matthew's senseless death. We may never see the results of what we do. We may never know if a child has been saved because of Matthew's story. But we pray everyday that God will use us and the project for HIS glory. It is our ministry and as much as we promote gun safety, we also want it to be about the goodness of God .
During those first two years, we had to make a decision of lifelong significance. We had begun the adoption process in 2008. Our hearts desire was to adopt a little girl from foster care. After losing Matthew, we had to take some time and really reevaluate that desire. Eventually, after much prayer and thought we decided to continue with our adoption plans.
This part of our story does not have a happy ending...
There were two little girls we desperately wanted, even believed God had chosen for us. We waited and waited to see if we would be chosen at their family. But, we were not chosen to be their family and it was another set back.
A short time later, a child was placed in our home. After only a month, the state removed her from our home. There were many issues and it was not a good situation. It was for the best. It broke our hearts non the less.
So, after the death of a biological child and two failed attempts at adoption, we closed the adoption chapter and moved on.
It took me some time to get over the failed adoption. Sometimes I still wonder if I am "over it". But I can see that having a child in our home and then removed taught us a very important lesson. Before she came, I couldn't bare the thought of there just being three of us. I hated the thought!!! I had always wanted more children. All I ever wanted to be was a mommy. After she left, I learned that we ARE okay. Matthew being ripped from our lives nearly destroyed us. Now the three of us are closer than ever. I can now thank God for a failed adoption. It was a necessary step in the healing of my family. Did God intend for her stay with us to be so short? I don't know. But like so many other parts of our story, HE has used it for good (Romans 8:28).
I still think about the child we lost. I pray for her and hope she has found the help she needed.
My mind becomes overwhelmed if I think about those first two years too much. They were so very hard..
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint~Isaiah 40:31
As hard and unbearable as the first two years were, this last one has been one of healing. I can see a huge difference in all three of us. Don't get me wrong, there are still many days of tears and sadness. Sometimes one of us wakes up with what we call "Matthew brain", and there is nothing we can do but roll with it.
The pain is as real today as it was on day one.
We have learned it will never go away.
But neither does God's grace and love.
That's what gets us through the hard moments. And thankfully, there are now more steps forward than backwards.
I still think of Matthew everyday, a lot. I still miss him until it hurts (literally) sometimes. I still don't understand why. I still want him back. Those things will never change. But I now have a relationship with God I never could have had without these past one thousand ninety five days. The beginning of this journey broke me, completely. There came a moment when I literally had to choose to believe in everything I knew about God or let it all go. It was either all true or none of it was true. I chose to believe. All I know to do is trust in God. Believe he is control. There is NO other option for me. I cannot travel this journey with the HIM. And because I have trusted HIM, He has revealed himself to me and blessed me in ways I could never have imagined. He has led me on a path I never would have taken without learning to fully rely in HIM after Matthew's death.
So, I'm saying to you now, one thousand ninety five days after I lost my Matthew,
GOD IS GOOD!
Believe it.
Trust in it.
I wish I was not on this journey.Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.~Proverbs 3:4-7
I wish my Matthew was upstairs wrestling with his brother.
I wish I had not seen, heard and felt the things that happened in those first two years.
I wish I did not have this story to tell.
But I am on this journey.
Matthew is not upstairs.
I have seen, heard and felt things you would not believe.
And this is my story...
I pray I am a good steward with what God has entrusted me with.
Not just today, but for everyday until I see my Matthew again and meet my Savior face to face.
To God be the glory. Great things He has done!
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.~Revelation 21:4
I love you to the moon and back Matthew...
and even more.
