He had a sweet spirit, a big heart, and a ginormous smile.
He was curious and asked questions. A lot of questions.
He was never quiet.
And if he was...something was up.
Like seriously, go check it out NOW.
He was busy. All. The. Time.
School was not his favorite, but seeing his friends everyday was.
Soccer was his thing. And he was good at it.
If he was outside, he was happy.
If he was dirty, he was happy.
If he was with his brother, he was happy.
And when those things were all in combination together,
his world was absolutely perfect.
He played hard and loved big.
He made the world a better place.
And I miss every single thing about him.
I constantly wonder what he'd look like today.
How tall would he be?
What would his voice sound like now?
Would he have gone to college next fall? Where?
Would he have joined the military? Which branch?
Or maybe a technical school? For what?
This list could go on and on.
I'll never stop wondering who he'd be today. Or tomorrow. Or next month.
And on and on it goes...
I'll never stop loving him.
I'll never stop missing him.
I'll never stop grieving him.
I'll never stop wondering why and this will never be "okay".
But in spite of it all, I know that God is God and I am not. Period.
If I've learned nothing else in the last six years, I've learned that He is enough.
I still trust Him.
I still seek Him.
I still long for Him.
In fact, even more so than before.
I run to Him, and cry to Him, and yell at Him, and ask Him why.
And then praise Him, and thank Him, and trust Him all over again.
It's the cycle of a mother's grief.
And that is okay.
And because I know that one precious, glorious day I will see that sweet face again,
Because of eternity...
I can face today, this day that I hate more than any other.
This day when a piece of my heart left this earth and my family was forever changed.
And I can face tomorrow, and next week, and next year.
Because of Christ, and only because of Him...
I. Can. Do. This.
Thank You Jesus.
Thank You for the cross.
Thank You for eternity.
Thank You for peace for today and hope for tomorrow.
Thank You for choosing me to be his mommy.
Thank You for Matthew.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. ~Psalm 23:4-6
