Bound on Earth, Connected for Eternity

There are soooooooo many things I miss about Matthew. I couldn't even begin to name them all...I think the list would just go on and on. There are the obvious things like his smile and the sound of his voice. Then there are the things that would only be special to me.  For example, the smell of his hair. It rarely smelled good. Many times he would get out of the shower only to hear me say, "Matthew, get back in there and use soap this time" (in my best mom voice). But, when Matthew hugged me, his head fit right under my chin. So, as I would bend down to kiss the top of his blond head, with his arms wrapped tightly around me, the smell of his hair filled my world. That is why I miss his smelly boy hair. It may seem silly to some, but it's a precious memory to me. 

I really could go on and on, the list is endless. However, without a doubt, one of the things I miss the most, is my two boys together. Being the mom of two boys is exhausting. You have to constantly try to stay one step ahead of two mischievous, creative minds. But for me it was one of the most beautiful gifts God ever gave me.

I remember clearly the moment I found out our second child was another boy. There really was no surprise. As many of you know, a Bellamy girl is a rare occurrence! I began to pray right then, with a full bladder and ultrasound goop still on my belly, that God would forge an unbreakable bond between these two brothers that would call me "mommy".  I asked God to give them a relationship like Chip has with his brothers.  God answered my prayer.  If you knew my boys together, you know what I mean.  They were quite a pair!

I loved listening to them laugh together. I loved hearing them play together. I loved the things they "plotted" together.  I love the way Will protected Matthew. I love the way Will taught Matthew.  I love the way they would fight until Chip and I would intervene, then they turned on us!  I love their silliness. So many things...

Will and Matthew spent so much time together. They did so many things together. They were bonded to the core. And I miss it! I miss "them"!

Learning to live without his other half has not been easy for Will. It is something he will deal with for the rest of his earthly life.  He has had many battles. So many times, when I have been unable to say or do the right thing for him, I have wished (deeply) that Matthew was here for him.  

Will was an amazing Big Brother for 11 years. And he still is. He carries Matthew with him. I love the way he protects his brother's memory. His eyes sparkle when he talks about Matthew. He lovingly shares memories. He works on things for the Matthew Project, in his on way, with pride to honor his brother. I don't think he even knows it, but Will is still taking care of his little brother everyday. I just wish it was in a physical, literal way.  I pray that he will continue to trust God and be guided by HIM in what he is to do with his memories, pain & grief.

This is my favorite picture of my boys...

It's probably obvious to you why I love it. 

But what you don't see is that they were pressing their heads together, 

trying to push the other one over. 

I just happened to snap my camera at the right moment

capturing a beautiful picture of my boys. 

It's the playfulness that only I knew of in this moment that miss until it hurts sometimes.

How does a mother's heart EVER  stop missing this?!?

I know that one day, they will see each other in heaven and it will be as if they were never apart.  WHAT a GLORIOUS day that will be!!!

The bond forged on earth, will live on for eternity.

God gave them to me once, HE will do it again.

But for now, I just miss it!!!

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows 

~James 1:17

My precious boys,

I love you both so much more than you can ever know. Even when the pain is great, I am reminded it is temporary.  I praise God for choosing me to be your mommy, blessing me with sweet memories of you together and promising me an eternity with you!

You truly are God's greatest earthly blessings to me.

Mommy

The Angels By My Side

There are some very special people in my life. They are dear Christian friends who have been there for my family through the really tough times. Most of them are women, but there are a few men too. They come from different age groups and backgrounds. Some have been in my life a long time and some were mere acquaintances when Matthew died. They all have one thing in common though. God has used them in a mighty way for the last two years and nearly 8 months.

Francesca Battistelli has a song entitled "Angel By Your Side" that perfectly describes what these treasured friends are to me.  Each time I hear it, I am reminded of how God has blessed me by providing comfort, support, laughter, perspective, and so much more through this wonderful group of people. In many ways they have been the literal hands, feet and voice of God to me.

I can't tell you how many times I've had someone tell me they were compelled to pray for me at a certain time. It never fails that it was a time I desperately needed someone to pray for me. I love how God works that way.  After Matthew died, I had trouble sleeping for a very long time. We all did.  Then one day I woke up and realized I had slept through the night. The next Sunday at church, a new friend told me that on that very night she woke from a sound sleep with the urging to pray for me. She did so for hours...and I slept through the night for the first time in months. Friends, that is not coincidence, that is THE Holy Spirit at work!

I have my prayer warriors that I can call on at any hour to pray for a specific need. And I know  without a doubt, they do. Now, as I am becoming stronger, I am discovering great blessings in being able to do the same for them.  I love these women and the bond that has formed. I can't imagine my life without them. 

So tonight, I just want to say "Thank You!" Thank you to all those angels who have walked so closely with Chip, Will, and me through this. You can never know how much you mean to me. I'm sure there will still be many times I will call out to you for help...this is a life long journey.  However, it is great comfort to know you will be there. I have learned the value of true friendship. It is a priceless gift that God has provided in the darkness. 

I love you all dearly!!!
Mylissa

"Angel By Your Side"

I can’t say that everything’s okay

‘Cause I can see the tears you’re crying

And I can’t promise to take the pain away

But you can know I won’t stop trying

I’ll be the angel by your side

I will get you through the night

I’ll be the strength you can’t provide on your own

‘Cause when you’re down and out of time

And you think you’ve lost the fight

Let me be the angel

The angel by your side

I know it feels like you’re running out of faith

‘Cause it’s so hard to keep believing

But if I can bring a smile back to your face

If for a moment, you’ll forget all about it

I’ll be the angel by your side

I will get you through the night

I’ll be the strength you can’t provide on your own

‘Cause when you’re down and out of time

And you think you’ve lost the fight

Let me be the angel

The angel by your side

‘Cause this won’t be the last time

You’ll need a little hope

But I want to be the first to let you know

I’ll be the angel by your side

I will get you through the night

I’ll be the strength you can’t provide on your own

‘Cause when you’re down and out of time

And you think you’ve lost the fight

Let me be the angel

The angel by your side 

 

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:  

If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. 

But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.  

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Butterflies, a Birthday & the Beach

Since Matthew's death, butterflies have special meaning to me. Whenever I see one, it reminds of of eternal life:

A caterpillar is wrapped up in a cocoon and emerges as a beautiful butterfly, free to fly!

As Christians, we are buried in the grave at death, 

but arise to new life in heaven, free to fly...FOR ETERNITY!!!
So, anytime I see a butterfly, I think of Matthew. They remind me of the day my family will be complete again. Their beauty and freedom are a symbol of hope for me. They make me smile.

Last week, I saw hundreds of butterflies. They were everywhere I went. Crisscrossing in front of me as I drove, in my yard, in parking lots...everywhere. It was unbelievable...and beautiful!

I also had a birthday last week...The 10th Anniversary of my 29th Birthday!
Okay, I turned 39, whatever!!!  

It was a great day. Lots of  "Happy Birthday" wishes, my favorite Mexican food for dinner, three cakes and homemade cookies.  (Good thing I like to exercise!!!)  With all the butterflies I've been seeing, I can't help but think they were a little birthday gift from God. It made me feel like Matthew was a part of my special day. Thank you Lord for that special blessing!!!

To complete Birthday Week, I decided to take a day off Friday.  It's been a really long summer at my office.  Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but it has definitely challenged me the past few months. I've put a lot of things on hold here at home and with the Matthew Project.  I've also had to learn to say the dreaded "n" word...NO.  For the first time since high school, I was unable to be a part of Vacation Bible School at our church. (that was a really tough one for me!)

God has literally been putting scripture about rest and being still in front of my face.  It's hard to deny what HE wants me to do when that happens. There's no denying that I'm tired and need rest.  Plus, we have several events coming up with the Matthew Project and that's always physically and emotionally draining. So I took a day Friday to rest and spend some quality time with God.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, 

for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Matthew 11:28-29

I definitely found some rest for my weary soul Friday.  

My weekdays usually start with this (for a good 3 or 4 miles):

 

followed by this:

My Friday started with this:

and then this:

The beach after Labor Day is sooooooo peaceful. The weather was perfect and there was no one near me. I was able to read, pray and relax.  It was definitely needed. And as I was almost ready to leave, a beautiful butterfly flew by me, returned to fly around my head a few times and nearly landed on my knee.  Isn't GOD amazing!!!

I listened to what HE was telling me to do by taking a true day of rest. No laundry, no errands, no work of any kind. Those of you who know me know that was a challenge for me. Yet I did it and enjoyed it. And God met me on the beach. We had quality time together. And then, just because HE's God and HE he can, HE sent me a little gift.  A tiny butterfly that many may not have even noticed meant more to me than words can describe. 

So today, I was back on the treadmill bright and early. I was back at my (over piled) desk. Back to mommy and wife things. Back to planning gun safety events.  But for one day, I rested and until I can do it again, I am thankful for that. I am thankful for a job that keeps me busy, yet allows me to run the Matthew Project. I am grateful for a husband and son who have lots of dirty clothes for me to wash. I am grateful for errands to run and grocery shopping to do and for a house to clean. I am grateful for the life God has given me, even though it is not the life I imagined. I know that as long as I am still on this earth, HE has something for me to do.

And, I am grateful for butterflies and the happy thoughts they bring when they come...

For I have given rest to the weary and joy to the sorrowing.

Jeremiah 31:25

Grace and My Family

Earlier this year I read The Resolution for Women by Priscilla Shirer. It is based on the movie Courageous.  This book was so powerful to me. I wanted to rush through each chapter and read it as quickly as I could. If I had allowed myself, I think I would have easily finished it in a week. But, I didn't. I forced myself to go slowly. I only read one section a day, then allowed myself to think and meditate on what was said.  I  must confess, this book stepped on my toes so much, I don't know how I was able to lace up my running shoes and keep training for a 1/2 marathon while I was going through it!  I took notes, highlighted, made notes in the margins...all the while discovering new things about myself.

One particular chapter has been stuck in my mind the past few weeks. Over this long weekend, I've taken time to look back at it and review the parts that spoke to my heart. It's the section titled Living With Grace.  It's not referring to wonderful, beautiful, undeserving grace we receive from God. It's referring to the grace we should be extending in our homes. Yes, that's right...the grace we, as women should be extending in our homes, whether married or single.

It's our job to create a place of peace and understanding for those who live with us and all who enter.  Now, let me be the first to admit, this has not been something I have always been good at.  I have lost my cool with my sweet husband and children more times than I could possibly count.  But it is something that God has brought to my attention and together we have been working on it.  Since Matthew's death, certain things just don't matter to me like they used too. I don't sweat the small stuff. So, that alone has made it easier for me to accept the way Chip and Will do things some times.  Don't misunderstand, I still find myself counting backwards from ten from time to time before I respond to them, but it happens much less now than it used to. 

Everyday in our homes, there are issues, disagreements, potential "disasters", displays of weakness or failure.  I'm not talking about real problems that are serious and deserve some emotional attention. I'm talking about the insignificant issues that we turn into Drama 101. Things that in the grand scheme of things really don't matter. So many times, I have been guilty of holding those things over my family's head; keeping them in the back of my mind; not letting something go.  Have you?  It's so easy to do. As women, we are often tired and worn out. We carry much of the workload and burdens of the home. We just want our family to do things our way so that things to according to our plan. Can anyone relate?  However, our husbands and children sometimes have a different agenda from ours.  They sometimes make mistakes.  They sometimes forget things (over & over & over again!). And sometimes, they just act plain stupid! I used to let these things really upset me. And because it upset me, the atmosphere of the entire house changed.

I don't want to be like that anymore. Thankfully, I'm not like that anymore (most of the time).  God and I are still working on it, but I'm learning to respond in a more God like way to my family.  Sometimes I say okay, just because I know it will keep peace in my house. Sometimes I walk away when I really want to scream. Sometimes I laugh to keep from getting upset. Sometimes I do literally count backwards from ten before I open my mouth to speak. Chip has learned to recognize the "counting face" and he thinks it's funny to ask if I started at 10 or 100.

The Resolution, says we are to dispense grace. Grace is defined as favor or kindness expressed to the undeserving.  The undeserving.  That pretty much describes each and everyone of us...the undeserving. So, we are to express favor and kindness to who??? Everyone.

Unfortunately, those we love the most are sometimes, the last ones we show "favor and kindness".  I don't want that to be the case in my house. I want my house to be a place of love, peace and acceptance. I hate that there have been times when my mood changed the entire setting of our home.  I refuse to let the devil use me in that way anymore! I want my husband and son to know they are loved unconditionally. That mistakes are just that, mistakes. I want grace to be so overwhelming in my house that anyone who enters feels it and knows it is present.  This may be a life long process for me, but I am determined to keep working at it. My family deserves it. My family is worth it!

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger

Proverbs 15:1