Matthew's death, Will's struggles and choices as a result of Matthew's death, and a failed adoption have all resulted in a broken heart, broken dreams, and a struggle for hope. With each lost dream, a little piece of me died. At times, it has been a real struggle to keep going. I've battled through depression and had to dig deep into my faith for strength over and over again.
But through it all, God has been unwavering. HE has been faithful. HE has never left my side. Even when I have questioned HIM and wondered where HE is, I have known deep in my heart that HE was with me.
Right now, I am in a struggle to trust in HIS timing. I want HIM to answer some things for me - right now!
But HE is not answering me in my time (Can you hear my giant sigh???).
I trust that HE will answer me though...in HIS time.
And in today's mail, I received a reminder of why I must trust in HIS timing.
Just before the start of my Junior year at Columbia College, in the summer of 1992, my parents and I made the decision that it was best for our family if I did not return to school at that time. It was not a decision that came easily. I love school (yes, I'm a nerd like that) and I had worked really, really hard during my first two years in college. But we all knew that due finances and some things going on in our family, I needed to be home. So I tearfully called my beloved roommate and told her I would not be back.
I never looked back. I worked in the family business until it eventually closed, I married my high-school sweetheart (whom I still adore!) and we began a family of our own. I've never regretted my decision and I've never called it a mistake.
But deep in my heart there was always a longing to finish my degree.
Chip and I discussed it several times over the years, but the time never seemed "right". As our boys grew older, I knew that my dream of being a college graduate would likely never come true. With two children to put through college, I thought it was completely foolish and selfish for me to even consider the idea.
And then came January 22, 2010.
Matthew died.
And everything changed.
There was only one child to put through college.
But as time painfully passed by and our son Will began to make some poor choices, Chip and I simply prayed for him to finish high school. It became obvious to both of us that he would not be attending college right now. There were just too many issues.
So then, there were no children to put through college.
At that point, it had been many years since I had even thought of going back to school. I hadn't necessarily forgotten my dream, it just was buried under a lot of other issues and baggage.
But God had not forgotten my dream, not for one tiny second.
In the fall of 2012, 20 years after leaving Columbia College, I was sitting at a Women of Faith conference in Charlotte, NC with some of my closest friends. Liberty University just happened to have a booth in the vendor area. While sitting in an arena filled with thousands of women, I heard the gentle voice of God tell me to "Go". HE quietly led me to that Liberty University booth on the concourse - and revived a dream I had let go of many years earlier. Two days later I had my first conversation with the admissions office and just like that...a dream I had long ago tucked away had new life.
GO GOD!
I began online classes through Liberty in January 2013. I've worked straight through with no summer breaks. Most of my semesters were full time course loads - with 12 hours of classes. I've cried more tears of frustration and wanted to quit more times than I care to admit. But with the help of God and the never ending encouragement of my husband...
I DID IT!!!
Yep, that's me. Twenty years after I originally planned...I am a college graduate!!!
And you want to know what else God did just to show off a little???
Not only did HE lead me to an amazing university and give me the perserverance to get through, look at what's on the bottom of that glorious diploma:
Do you see those words "Summa Cum Laude"???
Not only did God get me through, HE helped me do it "with highest honors"!
And trust me - me graduating with honors is nothing but God alone!
So, for today I am going to enjoy this. I am going to celebrate my accomplishment. I have worked harder at this than just about anything else in my life. And I've done it under some extremely stressful and challenging conditions. I have no idea what God plans to do with this degree, but I know HE has a plan. HE has been in this since day one. My prayer throughout my second college journey is that HE would be glorified. And I continue to pray that whatever is next, HE will be glorified.
Today, I received my long awaited diploma in the mail.
Today, I am celebrating.
And today, I say "Go me!"
And while I'm waiting for HIM to answer some of my current prayers, I hope this will continue to remind me to trust in HIS timing.
HE just answered a prayer and a dream that laid dormant in my heart for 20 long years - through countless changes that included both amazing mountain top experiences and unthinkable heartbreak.
But as my life changed through those 20 years, HE did not:
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.I serve a mighty, mighty God and there is nothing HE cannot do.
~Hebrews 13:8
I just have to remember to trust in HIS perfect timing.
