Never Stop Praying

About a year ago, I read a book called The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson.  Earlier this year, I followed up with Draw The Circle, a 40 day prayer challenge, written by the same author.  These two books have radically changed my prayer life and taught me to pray in a much bolder way.  I kept a prayer journal while doing the 40 day challenge.  Since that time, my precious little writing time has been spent in that journal.  While God often brings a variety of people or things to my heart to pray about, I have noticed three distinct themes in my written prayers.  

The first is the Matthew Project.  For quite some time, Chip and I felt a little "stuck" in what we were doing.  We began to ask God for direction.  We both know there is more we are supposed to be doing, but for a long time we were honestly clueless.  God is beginning to show us a direction and open a few doors.  We are boldly praying about two very specific things and waiting to see what God is going to do.  It is really neat to be able to look into my prayer journal and literally see the way my prayers are being answered for the work of the project.  But even as God is beginning to reveal some things to us, I have to remind myself to stay faithful in prayerfully seeking HIS direction. 

The second area is a very personal issue and I cannot share details of it.  It's something that Chip and I both want God to specifically tell us what to do, but that hasn't happened yet.  What I can see in my journal is God continually telling me to do nothing.  He has not stopped assuring me that this is not my battle, it is HIS.  He repeatedly brings Exodus 14:14 to me as a reminder: 

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. (NIV)

So even though I want God to give me a specific action to take, I know HE is telling me to do nothing and let HIM take care of it.  My human side doesn't like that, but I am trying to faithfully obey.  And again, it's really neat to see the progression of these prayers in my prayer journal.

The third area however is a much different story and it's very frustrating.  The third consistent theme I can see in my journal is written prayers and pleadings for our son Will.  And most days, I honestly feel like I am beating my head against the wall.  God is not answering my prayers in the way I want HIM to or in the time frame that I want HIM to.  Quite honestly, there are days that I wonder if my prayers for Will matter at all.  I just don't understand what God is allowing in the life of my son.  Since Matthew's death Will has struggled, greatly.  As his momma, it has been heartbreaking and I so desperately want God to intervene and do something God-sized in the life of my child.  That's the human side of me and I am currently enduring a great struggle between my heart and my head.  My heart hurts for my child.  My head knows that there are things I cannot see and there are things I do not know - God is up to something.  I am reminded that no matter how much I love my son (and it is a lot!), God loves him so much more.  My love for Will is only a tiny speck when compared with God's great and vast love for him.  So even though I cannot see a response to my prayers, I am trusting that God is at work on Will's behalf.  When I feel completely defeated and I want to give up, I remind myself that God does hear my prayers.  I believe that God does and will honor the prayers of a faithful mother and I turn to this verse as a prayer guide:

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV)

This verse reminds me to never stop praying.  I now realize that when my children were younger, I did not pray the right way for them.  I prayed for their salvation and I prayed for their general protection, but I did not pray effective, sustaining prayers.  I did not pray for protection from evil.  Evil is real and present in this world and I have seen it at work in the life of my son for the last four years.  I can't change the past.  I can't go back in time and pray for my son to be protected from the attacks of Satan.  I can't change what has happened in his life.

But I can pray for God to move in a mighty way in his life now.  I can pray for God to take what the devil intended for harm and use it for good (Genesis 50:20).  I cannot see what God is doing, but I am choosing to trust that HE is up to something.  There are days that my sweet hubby has to remind me of that, but I will not stop praying and I will not give up hope.

I know there are other mommas out there who feel the same way.  You wonder if God hears your prayers for your children.  You sometimes don't understand what is happening and you get frustrated.  I want to encourage you...NEVER STOP PRAYING!  I believe it is the greatest gift we can give our children.  And as their mommas, we can pray for them like no one else.  There is no love like a mother's for her child and I believe there is no prayer like a mother's for her child. 

So mommas (and daddies, grandmas, and grandpas too) I am challenging you to join me in praying this scripture over our children:

The Armour of God
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

Ephesians 6:10-18 (NIV) 

HE does hear us.   
Never stop praying.  

How Many Times???

That is the question I am asking God right now.
How many times do I have to give up my dreams?
How many times do I have to dig deep?
How many times do I have to force myself to get out of bed everyday?
How many times do I have to choose hope when it would be so easier to just give up?

How many times???

And the truth is, I have no idea...

Once again, we are in the fire, facing a battle.
And once again, I DO NOT want to do this.

I'm tired of the being in the fire.
I'm tired of battles.
I'm tired of heartache.
I''m tired of having hopes and dreams only to have them come crashing down around me.

I could go on and on about what "I'm tired of..."

And there's no end in sight.

So what am I supposed to do?

I'm going to be honest, this battle is one of the toughest yet.

I have buried a child.
A child I loved and adored.
A child wanted to see grow up.
A child I wanted to send to proms and watch graduate from high school.
A child I wanted to see become a man and have a family of his own.

And I have another child.
And I love and adore him too.
And I had the same dreams for him.
I've already had to give up on some of those dreams and the rest of them are now in jeopardy.

And I hate it.
And I am really mad.
And my heart is broken.

So what am I supposed to do???

I don't know.

Here's what I do know...

GOD IS STILL GOD!
He is still on His throne.
He is still in control.

Right now, my life feels completely out of control.
But I know He is here.
Even in this, He is here.

Don't get me wrong, He and I have had some serious conversations lately.
I've said some things that I've later had to apologize for.
I've questioned Him.
I've asked why.
I've asked when is it enough.
And I've asked, HOW MANY TIMES???

And I still don't have any of those answers.

But, I'm going to keep doing what I've done for the last four years.
I'm going to get up everyday (whether I want to or not).
I'm going to put one foot in front of the other.
I'm going to keep saying "I trust you Lord" (even when I can only whisper it).
I'm going to keep reading His word.
And I'm going to praying to Him.

I don't know how many times.
I don't know how many dreams I'll have to give up.
I don't know how much heartache there will be.
I don't know how this situation will end.
And I don't know what will happen next.

I will continue to believe in Proverbs 3:5:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding

It's all I know to do.

In a moment of despair, God brought this word to me from Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I trust Him and I believe Him.
Even when I don't know

HOW MANY TIMES???

An Observation...

In 2013, our family celebrated three big life events:

Will turned 18 in June.

Chip & I celebrated our 20th anniversary in July.

And I turned 40 in September.

One of those life events led me to an observation I'd like to share with you.

But first, some background info...
After Matthew's death, I did not want any pictures of our family taken. In late 2008 our family had begun the journey to adoption.  We received our approval letter in August 2009.  In January 2010 we were eagerly awaiting becoming a family of five.  Then unexpectedly, in one split second, we were a family of three.  I did not want to see any physical documentation of that, so NO photos.  It might sound crazy, but it was just something I couldn't bear to see.  I hated the number three because it represented what we were and what I didn't want to be.

Through the grief and pain, we struggled with what to do with our dream of adopting a child from foster care.  We knew God had led us to adoption, but what were we supposed to do now?!?  Our adoption file was officially placed on hold to give us time to figure it out.  All the while, I could not bear the thought of us being a family of three.

In May of that year, we took a trip for Chip's birthday weekend.  I love birthdays and I love making them special for Chip and my boys.  We went to Atlanta for the weekend.  Thankfully, my brother Alex was living in the area and was able to join us to take some of the sting out of our first family trip without Matthew.  We took in a Braves game and I "allowed" the first picture of us to be taken since Matthew's death.  When I look at it now, I see so much pain, exhaustion, and suffering.  At the time I thought it was a picture of survival.  Little did we know, there was another huge challenge ahead for us.  Seven months after the picture was taken, we ended up with Will in a traumatic, dangerous situation and faced the possibility of losing a second child in less than a year. 

Those of you who know what our family went through during that time know the miracle God performed and how our family was blessed beyond measure.  Out of love and respect for my son, that is all I'm going to share about the experience.

The events of December 2010 were a turning point for us.  In the months after Matthew's death, I watched my family slowly fall apart.  And I begged God over and over again to save it.  The collateral damage from the death of a child is huge and widespread.  Pain and destruction were winning with my family and it was horrible.

But one experience changed it all.

From that point on we began to move forward.  There were and still are set backs, but December 2010 was the definite turning point.  You all know how I believe Romans 8:28 is being lived out in my family, this is just one more example.

In February 2011, we reopened our adoption file. 

Our adoption story is painful and hard for me to talk about.  We wanted it desperately.  And it failed.  We did have a child placed with us in the summer of 2011.  She was removed from our home a month later.  The thing we feared the most happened.  And we were done!

I don't know why our adoption process was so hard.  I don't know why it didn't work.  I don't know if we stepped outside of God's will somewhere along the way.  I don't know if Matthew's death changed it.  I just don't know.

What I do know is this.  Having a child placed with us for just one month and removed changed us.  Again, Romans 8:28.  After she left, we knew we could be a family of three and be just fine.  Suddenly the number three didn't hurt so much after all.

So even though our adoption attempt failed, God used it for good.  He used it to teach us that we were okay.  And that was a HUGE lesson for this momma.

And I still pray for the child that we lost.  I pray she has received the help she needed.  I pray she has found a family that can love her the way she deserves to be loved.  I pray the broken DSS system has somehow worked for this child.

So after the summer of 2011, we knew we would be a family of three.

And it is okay.

Now, onto my observation...
For Will's birthday in June, we had a small family party.  And because I love to have pictures taken of my family again, of course there is a picture of the three of us. 

There is a huge difference between 2010 and 2013.
Comparing these two photos, I see God.

I see HIS goodness, mercy and grace.

I see HIS healing.

I see HIS love.

I see a family restored.

And I am thankful beyond measure.

May 2010

June 2013

I love the two men in my life beyond what I can describe.  I thank God everyday for them.  I thank God everyday for restoring us.

And I thank God that one day, we will be reunited as a family of four...

For ETERNITY !