In ALL Circumstances

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

~1 Thessalonians 5:18

I feel like I should have something profound to say. But, I don't.
How does someone do what happened in Newtown, CT yesterday?
How can we live in a world where this is possible?
Why did this happen at Christmas?
Why so many children?
These are just a few of the questions that are running through my brain.
And I have no answers...

And the events of yesterday have stirred up so many things inside of me. Feelings that I keep buried. Feelings that God and I have to deal with a little bit at a time. I've cried and cried and cried some more for 20 families I do not know.

Unfortunately, I do know what it feels like to send your child to school and never see them alive again. I do know what it feels like to wonder how much pain they were in and if they suffered. I do know what it's like to know that you will never have a single "normal "moment in your life again.  And I do know the long, painful road ahead of these families.  They may think this is the worst of it, but it's not. The worst comes when the shock wears off. The day you wake up and realize this is all real, that your child is really gone. THAT is the worst day.

I wish I could get on a plane, go to CT and hug each and every parent. I wish I could hold them individually and pray for them as only a parent who has been there can do.  My heart truly hurts for them. My mind just can't stop thinking about the pain these families are feeling.

As I tried to go to sleep last night, I was thinking of them. At that point, they knew in their hearts what had happened to their children, but it had not been "officially" confirmed.  They were waiting and waiting to hear the most horrific news you can hear. And suddenly I was filled with thanks.  Chip and I did not have to wait and wonder. We knew quickly what had happened to Matthew. Within a couple of hours, we were able to see and touch Matthew.  The parents in CT had to wait until today for that.  As hard as it was, we needed to see our son. We needed to touch him to even begin processing what was happening. Our suffering was real, still is real, but it could have been so much worse. Eventually we found out that Matthew did not suffer. We were able to hear an account of how he died and know that it was peaceful.  The parents in CT may never get that.  I can relate to some of what 20 families are going through, but in many ways, I have no idea. I thank God for HIS mercy and that HE showed it to us in the darkest moments of our lives.

I am hugging Will a little tighter. I know all parents are doing the same with their children. I thank God for him. I thank God that he makes me a little crazy (like only a teenager can!).  I thank God for his sense of humor, his smile and how he makes me laugh like no one else can.

Then tonight, the list of ages and names was released. It occurred to me, it's more than 20 mommas and daddies. The adults killed were so young. Most of them probably have living parents who are facing the unthinkable as well.

So much heartache. And yet I remember...

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

~Romans 8:28 

What the good from this will be...I HAVE NO IDEA! But THE Great and Mighty Savior does have a plan. This I KNOW.

So while we ache for these families and the questions remain, I urge all believers:

Do not just say you are praying for these families and this community, DO IT! You have no idea how powerful the prayers of brothers and sisters of Christ are for grieving parents. This is the time to pray without ceasing. When I could not find any words to say to God, I knew somewhere out there, someone could find the words and was praying for my family.  It's the simplest, yet most powerful thing we can do to help.  Praise God, we can do something, we can make a difference.

a note of Thanks...

This week is the beginning of the most difficult time of the year for me.  Thanksgiving and Christmas are so bittersweet without my Matthew. His death has taught me to treasure my time with our families so much more than I did before. But at the same time, it makes me miss Matthew so much more.

He loved family time. And his absence feels so much bigger when we're all together -

and there's no Matthew...

As soon as we get through the holidays, it's January and we face the anniversary of his death.

So, the next two months are really, really tough!

But this time also reminds me of something great.  

One of the many gifts God has given us through this journey-

The gift of friendship...

And it is a precious gift!!!

I know there are many of you who continue to lift us up in prayer. Believe me when I say we have felt it and we still feel it.  God is using you in such a powerful way to minister to my family.  

I could never say it enough, but

THANK YOU!!!

So, tonight on Thanksgiving Eve, the night before one of the hardest days of the year for me, I am giving thanks for you. Our faithful, wonderful friends and family who have not been afraid of our grief. Who have wrapped us in love. Who have lifted us up and encouraged us. Who have been the literal hands and feet of God.

Happy Thanksgiving. 

Enjoy every moment with your family. 

And thank you for being there for my family!!!

I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers.

~Ephesians 1:16

Until the Day

I'm often still amazed to hear the impact Matthew had on the lives of others.  Even now, over two and a half years after his death, people still stop me to tell me the impression he has made on their lives.  Of course our family thinks he was wonderful, but it's a blessing to see how much of a difference he made for others.  His kind and loving heart made a difference in this world and even in his absence, his legacy lives on.

These thoughts led me to a scripture in the book of Philippians...

In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy  because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now,  being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

~Philippians 1:4-6

Something jumped off the page of my Bible reading this and I learned another lesson from my little boy.  "Until the day of Christ Jesus".  The phrase "until the day" made me think deep.  Our work on earth is not just for our time that we are here.  I think God's plan is for our work to live on long after we do. This scripture says the completion comes when Jesus does.  Hmmmmmmm...

So, as I carry on in my day to day life, what legacy am I leaving? Am I living in such a way that God's work in me will live on long after I do? That's a tough task. Since Matthew's death, my goal has been for God to use his story, me and our family for HIS glory.  But, I have never thought about it outliving us.  That task just got a littler tougher as I am realizing that God wants to use us not just now, but until HIS return.

I am inspired by my gone but not forgotten 11 year old. If he can make an eternal impact in his short life, can't we all? As believers aren't we called too???  Matthew has taught me many lessons.  I miss him so very much, but in many ways he is still with me.  His little life still impacts me and others daily.  I want my life to do that.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that God did not take all four of us, HE took one of us. Each day we wake up, HE has a plan for us.  Slowly I'm beginning understand what the lasting effects of that plan can be, if I allow HIM to lead the way.

Deep, deep thoughts...

I love how my Matthew still does that to me!