Easter Is THE Reason

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

~John 3:16

As far back as I can remember, Christmas was my favorite holiday.  I loved everything about it.  As a Christian, of course I celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ with great joy and thanksgiving.  But I am not ashamed of the fact that I loved and enjoyed all the other "stuff" that comes with Christmas (hello! Christmas cookies).

But one Friday afternoon four years ago changed all that. 

Holidays are painful without Matthew.  They remind me of what is missing.  Matthew loved holidays and without him, it's just not the same.

However since his death, the magnitude and beauty of Easter has become so powerful for me.  Christmas and the birth of baby Jesus is wonderful, but it's only the beginning of the story.  Jesus' death and resurrection three days later is where my hope comes from.  Easter is the reason I will see Matthew again.

It overwhelms me, completely.  I am in tears just typing these words.  I am so unworthy of the gift God has given, yet I have received.

I know the pain of losing a son.  I did not choose for my son to die.  And if I had been given the choice, I would have screamed "NO!!!!!!!!!!".

Yet God loves you and me so very much that He willingly let His perfect son come to earth, become human, be mocked, tortured and abused and finally murdered - all for us.  And because He loves me that much, I get to see my baby boy again.  I get to feel his sweet arms around my neck.  I get to hear him say "I love you to the moon and back mommy". 

I long for that day.  I can't wait for him to take my hand and show me the beauty and majesty of heaven.  I can't wait...
But I have to wait.

And that is why Easter overwhelms me.  It's almost too much.  The magnitude of God's love is almost more than I can handle.

There are no words that I can ever say to thank God for this gift.  I can never earn it nor do I deserve it.  Yet, He has freely given it to me.

So, as you celebrate Easter, remember that Easter is THE reason.

I know many of you may be going through some tough times.  Our family is in a definite time of testing right now.  I urge you though, whatever struggles you are facing, cling to the fact that Easter is THE reason for HOPE.

It seems dark now, but I know how the story ends...
JESUS WINS!

I pray you have a blessed Easter.  And I pray you find hope not only in the beauty of the cross, but in the power of the empty tomb.

He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay.

~Matthew 28:6

Easter 2001

Happy Easter in heaven Matthew.  

I can't wait until we get to celebrate and praise God together!!!

I love you to the moon and back!

~Mommy

How Many Times???

That is the question I am asking God right now.
How many times do I have to give up my dreams?
How many times do I have to dig deep?
How many times do I have to force myself to get out of bed everyday?
How many times do I have to choose hope when it would be so easier to just give up?

How many times???

And the truth is, I have no idea...

Once again, we are in the fire, facing a battle.
And once again, I DO NOT want to do this.

I'm tired of the being in the fire.
I'm tired of battles.
I'm tired of heartache.
I''m tired of having hopes and dreams only to have them come crashing down around me.

I could go on and on about what "I'm tired of..."

And there's no end in sight.

So what am I supposed to do?

I'm going to be honest, this battle is one of the toughest yet.

I have buried a child.
A child I loved and adored.
A child wanted to see grow up.
A child I wanted to send to proms and watch graduate from high school.
A child I wanted to see become a man and have a family of his own.

And I have another child.
And I love and adore him too.
And I had the same dreams for him.
I've already had to give up on some of those dreams and the rest of them are now in jeopardy.

And I hate it.
And I am really mad.
And my heart is broken.

So what am I supposed to do???

I don't know.

Here's what I do know...

GOD IS STILL GOD!
He is still on His throne.
He is still in control.

Right now, my life feels completely out of control.
But I know He is here.
Even in this, He is here.

Don't get me wrong, He and I have had some serious conversations lately.
I've said some things that I've later had to apologize for.
I've questioned Him.
I've asked why.
I've asked when is it enough.
And I've asked, HOW MANY TIMES???

And I still don't have any of those answers.

But, I'm going to keep doing what I've done for the last four years.
I'm going to get up everyday (whether I want to or not).
I'm going to put one foot in front of the other.
I'm going to keep saying "I trust you Lord" (even when I can only whisper it).
I'm going to keep reading His word.
And I'm going to praying to Him.

I don't know how many times.
I don't know how many dreams I'll have to give up.
I don't know how much heartache there will be.
I don't know how this situation will end.
And I don't know what will happen next.

I will continue to believe in Proverbs 3:5:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding

It's all I know to do.

In a moment of despair, God brought this word to me from Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I trust Him and I believe Him.
Even when I don't know

HOW MANY TIMES???

It's Been a Little Crazy 'Round Here

WOW! That's all I can say about the month of January.
Just Wow!

We began the month with North Myrtle Beach Mayor, Marilyn Hatley and the City Council issuing a proclamation declaring January as Gun Safety Month.

It was a great honor to receive this and have the work we are doing in Matthew's memory officially recognized in NMB.  To celebrate the month, I did a heavy focus on teaching the Eddie Eagle Gun Safety Program to local children in area day cares, preschools, private schools and churches.  The proclamation also led to an unexpected TV interview.  GOD IS GOOD!

It was amazing to see so many children learning what to do if they find a gun: STOP, DON'T TOUCH, LEAVE THE AREA, and TELL AN ADULT.  I really loved sharing our story and this program, but it took a toll on me.  I soon found myself without a voice and then sick.  Non-the-less, it was completely worth it!  I have had SO many parents tell me their kids have recited those steps over and over and over to them.  GOD IS GOOD!

As I was doing all this, we were also planning for our annual, BIG fundraiser; a Chicken Bog dinner and Silent Auction.  Our volunteers are awesome and they worked so hard at getting items in for the auction.  But, as we got closer to the January 29th event, the forecast for that day was getting worse and worse (and my stress level was going up and up!).  Three days before the event, we had to make the decision to postpone it by two days until the 31st.  I was so disappointed. I knew that there was NO way to have it on the 29th, but I also knew that moving it at the last minute was going to affect turn out.  We ended up with three days of icy roads and four days of cancelled school, but by 4:30 on January, 31st, the roads were clear and we DID have an great event.  

I think cabin fever had set in and everyone was ready to get out.  Profits were not what I had originally hope for but I absolutely CANNOT complain.  We're still collecting on a few final silent auction items, but our profits should come in around the $10,000 mark!  The Matthew Project has been blessed again, and I thank God!!

It's really difficult to put the month of January and what it meant to us in words.  January is a very hard month.  The 22nd marked four years since we lost our sweet Matthew.  I still miss him more everyday.  I think about him everyday.  I wonder how tall he would be, what his voice would sound like, would his hair still be soooooooo blonde...

The list is endless.

Yet having this work in the month of January, having an intentional focus on gun safety in our home town helps ease the pain.  The hope that we are saving children through the work of the Matthew Project keeps us going.  January was a long, tough month.  The emotional and physical strain was real.  But it was so worth it. 

THANK YOU to everyone who helped us this month.  Your prayers, words of encouragement, donations and love do not go unnoticed.  We are very blessed.  

So yep, it's been a little crazy 'round here, but it was worth every crazy, frustrating, stressful moment.