It's Been a Little Crazy 'Round Here

WOW! That's all I can say about the month of January.
Just Wow!

We began the month with North Myrtle Beach Mayor, Marilyn Hatley and the City Council issuing a proclamation declaring January as Gun Safety Month.

It was a great honor to receive this and have the work we are doing in Matthew's memory officially recognized in NMB.  To celebrate the month, I did a heavy focus on teaching the Eddie Eagle Gun Safety Program to local children in area day cares, preschools, private schools and churches.  The proclamation also led to an unexpected TV interview.  GOD IS GOOD!

It was amazing to see so many children learning what to do if they find a gun: STOP, DON'T TOUCH, LEAVE THE AREA, and TELL AN ADULT.  I really loved sharing our story and this program, but it took a toll on me.  I soon found myself without a voice and then sick.  Non-the-less, it was completely worth it!  I have had SO many parents tell me their kids have recited those steps over and over and over to them.  GOD IS GOOD!

As I was doing all this, we were also planning for our annual, BIG fundraiser; a Chicken Bog dinner and Silent Auction.  Our volunteers are awesome and they worked so hard at getting items in for the auction.  But, as we got closer to the January 29th event, the forecast for that day was getting worse and worse (and my stress level was going up and up!).  Three days before the event, we had to make the decision to postpone it by two days until the 31st.  I was so disappointed. I knew that there was NO way to have it on the 29th, but I also knew that moving it at the last minute was going to affect turn out.  We ended up with three days of icy roads and four days of cancelled school, but by 4:30 on January, 31st, the roads were clear and we DID have an great event.  

I think cabin fever had set in and everyone was ready to get out.  Profits were not what I had originally hope for but I absolutely CANNOT complain.  We're still collecting on a few final silent auction items, but our profits should come in around the $10,000 mark!  The Matthew Project has been blessed again, and I thank God!!

It's really difficult to put the month of January and what it meant to us in words.  January is a very hard month.  The 22nd marked four years since we lost our sweet Matthew.  I still miss him more everyday.  I think about him everyday.  I wonder how tall he would be, what his voice would sound like, would his hair still be soooooooo blonde...

The list is endless.

Yet having this work in the month of January, having an intentional focus on gun safety in our home town helps ease the pain.  The hope that we are saving children through the work of the Matthew Project keeps us going.  January was a long, tough month.  The emotional and physical strain was real.  But it was so worth it. 

THANK YOU to everyone who helped us this month.  Your prayers, words of encouragement, donations and love do not go unnoticed.  We are very blessed.  

So yep, it's been a little crazy 'round here, but it was worth every crazy, frustrating, stressful moment. 

An Observation...

In 2013, our family celebrated three big life events:

Will turned 18 in June.

Chip & I celebrated our 20th anniversary in July.

And I turned 40 in September.

One of those life events led me to an observation I'd like to share with you.

But first, some background info...
After Matthew's death, I did not want any pictures of our family taken. In late 2008 our family had begun the journey to adoption.  We received our approval letter in August 2009.  In January 2010 we were eagerly awaiting becoming a family of five.  Then unexpectedly, in one split second, we were a family of three.  I did not want to see any physical documentation of that, so NO photos.  It might sound crazy, but it was just something I couldn't bear to see.  I hated the number three because it represented what we were and what I didn't want to be.

Through the grief and pain, we struggled with what to do with our dream of adopting a child from foster care.  We knew God had led us to adoption, but what were we supposed to do now?!?  Our adoption file was officially placed on hold to give us time to figure it out.  All the while, I could not bear the thought of us being a family of three.

In May of that year, we took a trip for Chip's birthday weekend.  I love birthdays and I love making them special for Chip and my boys.  We went to Atlanta for the weekend.  Thankfully, my brother Alex was living in the area and was able to join us to take some of the sting out of our first family trip without Matthew.  We took in a Braves game and I "allowed" the first picture of us to be taken since Matthew's death.  When I look at it now, I see so much pain, exhaustion, and suffering.  At the time I thought it was a picture of survival.  Little did we know, there was another huge challenge ahead for us.  Seven months after the picture was taken, we ended up with Will in a traumatic, dangerous situation and faced the possibility of losing a second child in less than a year. 

Those of you who know what our family went through during that time know the miracle God performed and how our family was blessed beyond measure.  Out of love and respect for my son, that is all I'm going to share about the experience.

The events of December 2010 were a turning point for us.  In the months after Matthew's death, I watched my family slowly fall apart.  And I begged God over and over again to save it.  The collateral damage from the death of a child is huge and widespread.  Pain and destruction were winning with my family and it was horrible.

But one experience changed it all.

From that point on we began to move forward.  There were and still are set backs, but December 2010 was the definite turning point.  You all know how I believe Romans 8:28 is being lived out in my family, this is just one more example.

In February 2011, we reopened our adoption file. 

Our adoption story is painful and hard for me to talk about.  We wanted it desperately.  And it failed.  We did have a child placed with us in the summer of 2011.  She was removed from our home a month later.  The thing we feared the most happened.  And we were done!

I don't know why our adoption process was so hard.  I don't know why it didn't work.  I don't know if we stepped outside of God's will somewhere along the way.  I don't know if Matthew's death changed it.  I just don't know.

What I do know is this.  Having a child placed with us for just one month and removed changed us.  Again, Romans 8:28.  After she left, we knew we could be a family of three and be just fine.  Suddenly the number three didn't hurt so much after all.

So even though our adoption attempt failed, God used it for good.  He used it to teach us that we were okay.  And that was a HUGE lesson for this momma.

And I still pray for the child that we lost.  I pray she has received the help she needed.  I pray she has found a family that can love her the way she deserves to be loved.  I pray the broken DSS system has somehow worked for this child.

So after the summer of 2011, we knew we would be a family of three.

And it is okay.

Now, onto my observation...
For Will's birthday in June, we had a small family party.  And because I love to have pictures taken of my family again, of course there is a picture of the three of us. 

There is a huge difference between 2010 and 2013.
Comparing these two photos, I see God.

I see HIS goodness, mercy and grace.

I see HIS healing.

I see HIS love.

I see a family restored.

And I am thankful beyond measure.

May 2010

June 2013

I love the two men in my life beyond what I can describe.  I thank God everyday for them.  I thank God everyday for restoring us.

And I thank God that one day, we will be reunited as a family of four...

For ETERNITY !

I'm Not Feeling It, But...

Last November I shared with you how hard this time of year is for me.  I miss Matthew terribly during Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It seems as if everything around me reminds me that a piece of my heart is gone forever.

I know November is a time to be thankful and count our blessings, but honestly, most days I'm just not feeling it.

But I am reminded of God’s word:

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

~1 Thessalonians 5:18

So I am choosing to do something different this year. 

I am choosing to be thankful for the many gifts and blessings that have come because of the loss of my son.   

God has provided many things that would not be if Matthew had not died.  So even though I would much rather have my son, I am thankful for what God has provided in Matthew’s absence. 

NEW FRIENDSHIPS: There are some beautiful women in my life who were mere acquaintances four years ago.  These women have become trusted sisters in Christ and trusted prayer warriors for my family.  While some people (even family members) are afraid of my grief, rarely mention Matthew’s name and simply cannot deal with the reality that is my life, these women have jumped in the trenches with me.  They laugh with me on the good days and hold me as I cry on the really hard days.  They are a blessing and have served as the literal hands and feet of God at times. 

THE MATTHEW PROJECT: When Chip and I felt led to start our nonprofit, we truly had no idea what would become of it.  We did not know if there was a need.   We did not know if we would do this for a few weeks, months or years.  I now think I will run this organization for a very long time.  This year, I have seen some amazing things happen through the Matthew Project that could only have been orchestrated by God.  At the end of August, I was able to leave my job and dedicate myself to the project full time.  It is really neat to see the words of Romans 8:28 at work through the Matthew Project.  

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD: The struggles and darkness my family has faced has been indescribable.  The pain has been and is still really hard.  BUT, in facing these things and trusting God with them, I have a relationship with HIM that would not have been possible any other way.  And it is a beautiful relationship.  

LESSONS LEARNED: It is a daily choice to not be consumed.  It is a daily act of submission to HIS will.  It is a daily act of giving it all to HIM.  But I have learned HE is bigger than it ALL! 

SCHOOL: For many years I wanted to finish my degree, but never did anything about it.  It was just a dream.  My struggles have given me COURAGE that I never knew before.  One result of that courage is enrolling in Liberty University Online in January.  Some days, I wonder, “What was I thinking???”, but I am so glad I have taken this step and thankful for God leading me to it.

A VOICE:  God has given me a literal voice.  I pray that God uses our story to impact others for HIM.  I want to honor Matthew’s memory and God.  Early on in this journey, I realized that for that to happen, I had to physically speak and I was terrified.  I prayed for a voice because I knew I could not do it.  God answered and I pray that when I speak, HIS presence is felt.

  

A NEW PERSPECTIVE: Life. Is. Short.

Matthew made a huge impact in eleven short years.  He did so by genuinely caring about others, showing love to them and making the most of every moment.  I want that for my life.  He is my inspiration!

THIS BLOG:  God told me (over and over and over again!) that I was supposed to be writing and sharing with other women.  I told HIM "no" (over and over and over again!).  Obviously, I eventually gave in.  I am still very uncomfortable with this.  But I thank HIM for using our story and my struggles again to help others.  I believe that when we are transparent and share our stories, good and bad, we encourage each other.  Life is hard.  Ladies, we need each other!!!

JOY: Yes, Joy.  I have learned that joy is a choice.  God calls HIS children to live a life of joy.  In the book of James we are even told to count our trials as joy:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,  whenever you face trials of many kinds.

~James 1:2 

 So to me, joy is not about the condition of my circumstances, it’s about the condition of my heart.  It is about the focus of my heart.  And through the loss of my son, I have found the source of true joy.  The world cannot provide anything that even comes close to the joy of Christ.

So yes, I need you prayers right now.  This is an incredibly hard time of the year.  I will miss seeing him play football with his cousins on Thanksgiving Day terribly.  

I will miss my little ball of energy, with his great big smile, bouncing around full of Christmas Spirit. 

   

But I will reflect on these blessings.  And I will praise God.

Thank you for allowing me to share my blessings with you tonight.  My heart was heavy today.  This time of reflection has lightened my load.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your families. Treasure your moments together.  

And I pray that you can give thanks in all circumstances. 

~Mylissa