I'm Not Feeling It, But...

Last November I shared with you how hard this time of year is for me.  I miss Matthew terribly during Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It seems as if everything around me reminds me that a piece of my heart is gone forever.

I know November is a time to be thankful and count our blessings, but honestly, most days I'm just not feeling it.

But I am reminded of God’s word:

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

~1 Thessalonians 5:18

So I am choosing to do something different this year. 

I am choosing to be thankful for the many gifts and blessings that have come because of the loss of my son.   

God has provided many things that would not be if Matthew had not died.  So even though I would much rather have my son, I am thankful for what God has provided in Matthew’s absence. 

NEW FRIENDSHIPS: There are some beautiful women in my life who were mere acquaintances four years ago.  These women have become trusted sisters in Christ and trusted prayer warriors for my family.  While some people (even family members) are afraid of my grief, rarely mention Matthew’s name and simply cannot deal with the reality that is my life, these women have jumped in the trenches with me.  They laugh with me on the good days and hold me as I cry on the really hard days.  They are a blessing and have served as the literal hands and feet of God at times. 

THE MATTHEW PROJECT: When Chip and I felt led to start our nonprofit, we truly had no idea what would become of it.  We did not know if there was a need.   We did not know if we would do this for a few weeks, months or years.  I now think I will run this organization for a very long time.  This year, I have seen some amazing things happen through the Matthew Project that could only have been orchestrated by God.  At the end of August, I was able to leave my job and dedicate myself to the project full time.  It is really neat to see the words of Romans 8:28 at work through the Matthew Project.  

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD: The struggles and darkness my family has faced has been indescribable.  The pain has been and is still really hard.  BUT, in facing these things and trusting God with them, I have a relationship with HIM that would not have been possible any other way.  And it is a beautiful relationship.  

LESSONS LEARNED: It is a daily choice to not be consumed.  It is a daily act of submission to HIS will.  It is a daily act of giving it all to HIM.  But I have learned HE is bigger than it ALL! 

SCHOOL: For many years I wanted to finish my degree, but never did anything about it.  It was just a dream.  My struggles have given me COURAGE that I never knew before.  One result of that courage is enrolling in Liberty University Online in January.  Some days, I wonder, “What was I thinking???”, but I am so glad I have taken this step and thankful for God leading me to it.

A VOICE:  God has given me a literal voice.  I pray that God uses our story to impact others for HIM.  I want to honor Matthew’s memory and God.  Early on in this journey, I realized that for that to happen, I had to physically speak and I was terrified.  I prayed for a voice because I knew I could not do it.  God answered and I pray that when I speak, HIS presence is felt.

  

A NEW PERSPECTIVE: Life. Is. Short.

Matthew made a huge impact in eleven short years.  He did so by genuinely caring about others, showing love to them and making the most of every moment.  I want that for my life.  He is my inspiration!

THIS BLOG:  God told me (over and over and over again!) that I was supposed to be writing and sharing with other women.  I told HIM "no" (over and over and over again!).  Obviously, I eventually gave in.  I am still very uncomfortable with this.  But I thank HIM for using our story and my struggles again to help others.  I believe that when we are transparent and share our stories, good and bad, we encourage each other.  Life is hard.  Ladies, we need each other!!!

JOY: Yes, Joy.  I have learned that joy is a choice.  God calls HIS children to live a life of joy.  In the book of James we are even told to count our trials as joy:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,  whenever you face trials of many kinds.

~James 1:2 

 So to me, joy is not about the condition of my circumstances, it’s about the condition of my heart.  It is about the focus of my heart.  And through the loss of my son, I have found the source of true joy.  The world cannot provide anything that even comes close to the joy of Christ.

So yes, I need you prayers right now.  This is an incredibly hard time of the year.  I will miss seeing him play football with his cousins on Thanksgiving Day terribly.  

I will miss my little ball of energy, with his great big smile, bouncing around full of Christmas Spirit. 

   

But I will reflect on these blessings.  And I will praise God.

Thank you for allowing me to share my blessings with you tonight.  My heart was heavy today.  This time of reflection has lightened my load.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your families. Treasure your moments together.  

And I pray that you can give thanks in all circumstances. 

~Mylissa

Humbled and Overwhelmed

I have hesitated to write this post.  I never want to appear as though I am seeking praise for the work we do through the Matthew Project.  It started out as something Chip and I felt we had to do.  We needed to make Matthew’s death matter by trying to save other children.  And, God has blessed our efforts, tremendously.  But the truth still remains, no matter how much good comes from our work, I would rather have my son.  And that my friends, will never change.  I am a mom, and given the choice, I would choose to have my son alive and well. 

But, that is not how God has written my story.  And so, our work continues…

As I said, Chip and I felt we had to start the project.  We needed to tell Matthew’s story, make sure other parents knew the risks, and educate children on firearm safety.  It honestly was a survival mechanism to start with.  We had to make something positive come from losing our child.

And then, it changed.  It became a passion, a mission and a calling.  God was in fact calling us to something far bigger than ourselves.  Bigger than anything we had ever imagined.  And it has taken me way out of my comfort zone!

There is a risk in being open and public about our story.  Guns are a controversial subject.  And even though we are not responsible for Matthew’s death, there are stupid people in the world.

And you canNOT fix stupid.

We met one of those people last weekend.  He was rude to one of the ladies working our booth.  Chip tried to speak to him and explain the heart of our mission.  The man refused to listen…and said something horrible to my husband.  Honestly, I don’t know how Chip didn’t punch the man…it was that bad!  This man made an assumption, assumed we left a gun out that killed our child, and said something way out of line.  Yes, this man has a right to feel however he wants about his rights to have his gun unsecured, but he did not have the right to speak to Chip the way he did.  I saw the hurt on my hubby’s face.  And I saw God give him the self-control to walk away from a situation that could have gotten really ugly.

You may wonder why I’m sharing this.  

I’m doing it so you will understand how important the rest of this post is.

We don’t get to see the rewards of the work we do through the Matthew Project.  We have given away thousands of gun locks, but we don’t know how many of them are actually used.  We don’t have a list of children that have actually not been shot because we gave away a gun lock.  We don’t know how many parents don’t get divorced because their child didn’t die and their family wasn’t destroyed.

We just do our work and pray…

My mom always tells me when we get to Heaven; God will have a list of the children and families we saved.  But that doesn’t help when we encounter folks like “Mr. Rudeness” from last weekend.  He wasn’t the first and he won’t be the last.  It is part of the risk, part of what we endure to share our story.  People are passionate about their guns.  It get that…I am married to one of those people! 

But when someone doesn’t listen to what we are saying, 

when they don’t hear that we are gun safety not control (BIG difference),

when they make assumptions, it can get ugly…FAST.  

But God is so infinitely good and so much bigger than the ugliness and stupidity of this world.

And now, the part of the story I have been hesitant to share…

A few weeks ago, God showed me a small glance of the good that comes from the Matthew Project.  HE gave me a fabulous blessing.

A friend of ours was asked to speak for a group of peers…educators in the Horry County School District.  He chose to speak on being inspirational, and he chose to use our story.  

And I am still humbled and overwhelmed.

I do not do this work for attention.  I am learning to seek opportunities for attention on our message, but never attention for myself.  The whole experience made me slightly uncomfortable.  But, by the time it was over, I saw that God had given me a tremendous gift. 

The beginning of the presentation on being inspirational referred to a book by Andy Andrews called The Butterfly Effect: How Your Life Matters.  The description of the book is as follows:

Did you know that one flutter of a butterfly's wings could change weather patterns---and that the minor choices we make could launch ripple effects into the future? Andrews's compelling story about how one man's choice made over 100 years ago affects today's world will inspire you to do the right thing---even when it's difficult.

It is a beautiful book that reminds readers how important every move they make can be.

And then, it was tied into our family’s story.

                The loss of our beloved Matthew…

                The choices we could have made after his death…

                The way our story could have been written…

                And the choice we made to not be destroyed and defeated.

We chose Faith, Hope and Love…

And it was a choice.

I’ve said it before.  After the death of a child there comes a moment when you confront your faith and decide it is either all true or none of it is true.  You know the choice for my family…

God is real and HE is good!

Now, back to my story…

I was able to attend this presentation on being inspirational.  I was able to hear the ‘Butterfly Effect’ discussed.  I was able to hear uplifting, kind words spoken about my family.  I was able to see my sweet Matthew’s face in the power point and feel peace.  

And then, God spoke to my heart and it was beautiful.

As I was driving home from the presentation, I had the ah-ha moment.  

Chip and I have been so incredibly focused on saving children and families.  We desperately want to spare other parents and siblings the pain and loss our family has experienced.  But this presentation on the ‘Butterfly Effect’ made me think of our work in a whole new way.  We believe we are saving children.  But the effects of what we do go far beyond that.  If we save a child, what will they then go on to do:

                Cure cancer?

                End world hunger?

                Be the next Billy Graham?

                What work will they do for THE Kingdom?

                How many lives do they save? 

                And what do those lives go on to do?

Y’all, I’m literally crying sitting here thinking about this.  

What great things will happen (far beyond what I ever imagined) from the brief eleven year life of Matthew Kenneth Bellamy and the choices made after his death???

Please do not think I am saying any of this out of pride or for attention and praise.  That is the last thing I want and that is why I have hesitated to write this post.  I am writing so that you will see the goodness, the greatness, and the love of God.  He has called my family to an unimaginable task, but HE has not left us alone for one single millisecond.  HE is with us every moment. 

HE was there when

Chip received that horrible phone call

When we buried our baby

When we nearly gave up on our marriage

When we felt the call to start the Matthew Project

When we wonder if any of our work matters

When people are mean and hurtful

When we feel like we just can’t keep doing this

When we are way outside our comfort zone (like writing this post!)

When we miss Matthew until it physically hurts

And HE was there in that room as someone spoke of my family being inspirational.  HE was providing inspiration and encouragement that I desperately needed.  HE was giving me a reward for obedience.  

I know my ultimate reward doesn’t come until I get to Heaven, when I see my Savior and my Matthew.  But I am so incredibly grateful for a humbling, overwhelming experience that gave me just a small glance of the GREAT things God can do through two ordinary, unprepared, everyday people like Chip and Mylissa Bellamy; two grieving, broken parents. 
If HE can use us, HE can use anybody…

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

~Galatians 6:9

What will you do today that will have a 

‘Butterfly Effect’ on tomorrow??? 

I'm Back...

Well…

It has been a while!

I have been b.u.s.y.!!!

Remember a few months ago when I wrote about time?!?!??? 

(and being too busy)

Turns out, God had me study and prepare that lesson for myself! 

(Gotta love it when HE does something like that!)

So yes, I have been very, very busy.  

And God has been very busy in my life too.

As many of you know, I went back to school in January.  I am working to finish my undergraduate degree through Liberty University online.  AND…I LOVE it!!!  Don’t get me wrong.  Going back to college after a 20+ year break is hard. Really, really hard.  But I am enjoying the challenge.  I have wanted to finish my degree for such a long time.  Realistically it seemed impossible and I never even researched the possibility.  It was just a dream and I thought it would never be anything more.  But while sitting at a Women of Faith event last November, I felt God leading me to visit the Liberty University booth.  I walked to that booth with no plan, but I knew God was leading me.  By January, the financial aid was in place and I began classes.  So here I am…working towards a degree in Psychology for Christian Counseling.  And it’s definitely a God-thing!!!

Another major change for our family…

Last winter, shortly after starting classes, Chip and I felt God leading us to another unexpected change.   Several times, we had talked about and dreamed about me being able to work for the Matthew Bellamy Project full time.  Like going back to school, it seemed like a distant dream.  But during our prayer time, we began to feel God leading us to do just that.  So we continued to pray, and pray, and pray some more about it.  By the time spring rolled around, we were certain it was the next step for our family.  So, at the end of August, I left my job (that I love) and began to work for the Matthew Project (which I also love!) full time.  Another God-thing!!!

We are truly walking by faith right now!

I am asking for your prayers (again!).  Chip and I are trying so hard to follow where God leads and the devil continues to challenge us.  But my God is bigger than any obstacle or scheme the evil one can fathom.  I trust in HIM.

I also turned forty last week.

My thirty-something years were rough, so I’m looking forward to a new decade in my life.  

Thank you for continuing to love and care for my family.

So many of you have become the literal hands and feet of God to us and we love you!!!

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

~Philippians 3:14