Five Long Years...

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.  ~Revelation 21:4

Today I have lived five years on this earth without my youngest son.

Five long, exhausting, and heartbreaking years with a piece of my heart missing.

One thousand eight hundred and twenty six days.

And that is exactly one thousand eight hundred and twenty six days too many.

January 22, 2010...the day that everything changed.

The day that life as I knew it ended.

The day that left a wound deep inside my soul and scars buried within my heart.

I’ve read many books regarding the death of a child since losing Matthew. I’ve been through a few rounds of counseling and studied grief extensively while completing my own counseling degree. I’ve read the book of Job, studied the Psalms, and prayed for understanding more hours than I can count.

And it still doesn’t make sense to me.

It still seems completely unfair.

I still miss him more every day. 

Matthew was what made our family complete. 

Life without him will never feel right.

I truly believe the promise found in Romans 8:28. I truly believe that God works all things for good for those who love HIM. I see the good HE is bringing from Matthew’s death. But if I’m totally honest, I would trade it all in a heartbeat to have my son back. I miss my son. And sometimes the pain and longing is still so much it completely overwhelms me. 

We’ve celebrated five of everything without him – five Easters, Mother’s Days, Father’s Days, Fourth of Julys, Thanksgivings, Christmases, and New Years. We’ve marked his birthday five times without him. School years have started and ended five times without him. I’ve watched many of his friends turn 16, get their driver’s license, and get their class rings…all things Matthew should doing.

And it all keeps getting harder.

The last five years have been a roller coaster of emotions. We get stronger day by day and there have been some good moments, but there have been a lot of really, really hard moments. By nothing other than the grace of God, we have made it this far. Today I celebrate the fact that I am still standing, and I know it is only because of God's faithfulness to never leave or forsake me. Chip and I have grown closer to God - day by day, sometimes minute by minute as we walk through this journey. And, we have grown closer to each other as a result of drawing closer to HIM. It's all an amazingly beautiful mess. 

Through the good, the bad, and the really really ugly of the last five years - there are a few things I have learned to be true and constant:

God is God and I am not.

God is good.

God is all knowing, all powerful, and HE is in complete control.

Matthew’s life was important. 

Matthew left a lasting legacy.

And even though we are way out of our comfort zone, The Matthew Bellamy Project is our calling. 

The work we are doing in Matthew's memory does matter. I believe that with all I am. And today, as we remember our son on the fifth anniversary of his death, I beg of you to remember a few things: 

PLEASE to not become complacent. 

PLEASE do not take gun safety for granted in your own home – with your own children. 

DON’T assume it can’t or won't happen again. 

It only takes one mistake, one second, for a family to be torn apart. 
Help me honor my son’s life and memory by protecting your child from unsecured guns. I’ve worked with many, many kids over the past few years in a variety of settings. One thing that has become crystal clear to me is that kids know where the guns in their homes are. You may think they are hidden and your kids don’t know where they are but trust me, they do! I realize that some of the stories kids tell me are just that, “stories”. But not all of them are. Many of these kids do know without a doubt where guns are "hidden" in their homes. 

So today, on the fifth anniversary of my son’s death, I’m asking gun owners to stop and evaluate how guns are stored in your home. Evaluate what your kids know and what they may need to know. 

And to those who do not have guns in your home, your kids still need to be educated. National statistics show that at least 1/3 of all homes in our country have at least one gun in it. I believe that number is much higher here in the south. Even if they are not in your home, your child will end up in a home that has guns. Period.
Will he or she know what to do if they find one? 

Do you ask about unsecured firearms before your child goes somewhere? You should. It is your right to know. Remember, our family owns guns - which have always been locked in a safe that our children cannot access. Our son died because someone else did not take the same precautions we do. Ask.

Finally, I want to remind you to appreciate what you have – every single day. It is so easy to get lost in the busyness of life and lose sight of what really matters. 

I’d give anything to see my son again, to hear his voice, to feel his arms wrapped around me, to be able to stand over his bed and watch him sleep at night...the list could go on and on.

Do not take one single day for granted mommas. 
Not one single day.     

You will never have this day with your child again – make the most of it!

It has been a hard five years. And I know we likely have many, many more to go before we are reunited with our Matthew. I know I'll never understand any of on this on this side of Heaven. I just want to faithfully accept it and follow HIS leading. I want to be a faithful steward of our story. I want to honor God and I want to honor Matthew's memory. I pray I get this right.

Thank you for once again allowing me to share from my broken momma's heart. Sometimes it still feels a little unreal that this is our story.
But it is the path God has chosen for us -
So onward I will go.
~Mylissa

Matthew Kenneth Bellamy
August 18, 1998 - January 22, 2010

Thank you for coming into our world and making it a better place my sweet Matthew.
I'm eternally grateful that God chose me to be your mommy.

I miss you more than words can say.

I know that one day we will all be together again - and that promise is what keeps me going.

I love you to the moon and back.

~Mommy

Never Stop Praying

About a year ago, I read a book called The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson.  Earlier this year, I followed up with Draw The Circle, a 40 day prayer challenge, written by the same author.  These two books have radically changed my prayer life and taught me to pray in a much bolder way.  I kept a prayer journal while doing the 40 day challenge.  Since that time, my precious little writing time has been spent in that journal.  While God often brings a variety of people or things to my heart to pray about, I have noticed three distinct themes in my written prayers.  

The first is the Matthew Project.  For quite some time, Chip and I felt a little "stuck" in what we were doing.  We began to ask God for direction.  We both know there is more we are supposed to be doing, but for a long time we were honestly clueless.  God is beginning to show us a direction and open a few doors.  We are boldly praying about two very specific things and waiting to see what God is going to do.  It is really neat to be able to look into my prayer journal and literally see the way my prayers are being answered for the work of the project.  But even as God is beginning to reveal some things to us, I have to remind myself to stay faithful in prayerfully seeking HIS direction. 

The second area is a very personal issue and I cannot share details of it.  It's something that Chip and I both want God to specifically tell us what to do, but that hasn't happened yet.  What I can see in my journal is God continually telling me to do nothing.  He has not stopped assuring me that this is not my battle, it is HIS.  He repeatedly brings Exodus 14:14 to me as a reminder: 

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. (NIV)

So even though I want God to give me a specific action to take, I know HE is telling me to do nothing and let HIM take care of it.  My human side doesn't like that, but I am trying to faithfully obey.  And again, it's really neat to see the progression of these prayers in my prayer journal.

The third area however is a much different story and it's very frustrating.  The third consistent theme I can see in my journal is written prayers and pleadings for our son Will.  And most days, I honestly feel like I am beating my head against the wall.  God is not answering my prayers in the way I want HIM to or in the time frame that I want HIM to.  Quite honestly, there are days that I wonder if my prayers for Will matter at all.  I just don't understand what God is allowing in the life of my son.  Since Matthew's death Will has struggled, greatly.  As his momma, it has been heartbreaking and I so desperately want God to intervene and do something God-sized in the life of my child.  That's the human side of me and I am currently enduring a great struggle between my heart and my head.  My heart hurts for my child.  My head knows that there are things I cannot see and there are things I do not know - God is up to something.  I am reminded that no matter how much I love my son (and it is a lot!), God loves him so much more.  My love for Will is only a tiny speck when compared with God's great and vast love for him.  So even though I cannot see a response to my prayers, I am trusting that God is at work on Will's behalf.  When I feel completely defeated and I want to give up, I remind myself that God does hear my prayers.  I believe that God does and will honor the prayers of a faithful mother and I turn to this verse as a prayer guide:

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV)

This verse reminds me to never stop praying.  I now realize that when my children were younger, I did not pray the right way for them.  I prayed for their salvation and I prayed for their general protection, but I did not pray effective, sustaining prayers.  I did not pray for protection from evil.  Evil is real and present in this world and I have seen it at work in the life of my son for the last four years.  I can't change the past.  I can't go back in time and pray for my son to be protected from the attacks of Satan.  I can't change what has happened in his life.

But I can pray for God to move in a mighty way in his life now.  I can pray for God to take what the devil intended for harm and use it for good (Genesis 50:20).  I cannot see what God is doing, but I am choosing to trust that HE is up to something.  There are days that my sweet hubby has to remind me of that, but I will not stop praying and I will not give up hope.

I know there are other mommas out there who feel the same way.  You wonder if God hears your prayers for your children.  You sometimes don't understand what is happening and you get frustrated.  I want to encourage you...NEVER STOP PRAYING!  I believe it is the greatest gift we can give our children.  And as their mommas, we can pray for them like no one else.  There is no love like a mother's for her child and I believe there is no prayer like a mother's for her child. 

So mommas (and daddies, grandmas, and grandpas too) I am challenging you to join me in praying this scripture over our children:

The Armour of God
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

Ephesians 6:10-18 (NIV) 

HE does hear us.   
Never stop praying.  

Remembering My Nana

Yesterday we said our earthly goodbyes to my Nana, my last living grandparent.  She had been sick for many months.  It is a relief that she is no longer suffering, but I will miss her.  Some of the things I will always remember about her include:

• She was the living example of The Great Commandment to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind" (Matthew 22:37).
• She believed the Bible was HIS Word and THE Word and she knew it better than anyone else I know.
• She made the best fried cornbread on the planet.  Period.  End of discussion.
• Her sausage gravy was pretty darn good too.
• She and my Papa nicknamed me "Sunshine" and she sang "You Are My Sunshine" to me, way off key, and it was absolutely beautiful.
• She only wore dresses and could rock a moo-moo.  Seriously, I cannot ever remember seeing her wear a pair of pants.
• God gave her the gift of encouragement, and she was a remarkable steward of her gift.
• She would say "Be nice!" when she knew I was about to say something that maybe I shouldn't. (I usually said it anyway)
• She loved, loved, loved my Papa!
• I learned more about faith from her than anyone else and I'm just starting to realize the full impact of those lessons. 

Papa was a pastor and when my brother Chris and I were children, they were serving in New Hampshire.  Each summer, mom and dad would fly Chris and I up there to spend a few weeks with them.  Those visits were some of the greatest times of my childhood.  They were also when Nana began to plant seeds of God's love and faithfulness in my life that are still multiplying today.  

My Nana seriously served God like no one else I have ever known and she took the job of sharing her faith with those she loved very seriously.  During those summer visits, she not only had us in church every time the doors were open, she read Bible stories to us, played Bible story games with us, sang them to us...basically fed us The Word anyway she could.  I was a teenager when I accepted Christ as my savior.  Her years of pouring into my life played a part in that decision.

Not only did she serve God well, she trusted HIM completely.  She truly trusted HIM in all things.  I never really realized how that impacted me until recently.  I fully believe that her example has played a huge part in me being able to trust in God and HIS sovereignty since Matthew's death.  She didn't just talk that talk, she walked the walk.  Because of her, I know I don't have to understand HIS plan, I just have to trust it.

Over the years she has given me several Bibles and Bible study books.  Saturday morning I spent some time looking through them.  Each and every one of them has a personal note from her and scripture references marked in them.  As a read through the scriptures she had marked for me many years before, I knew she was still leading me and teaching me.  She will always be a part of my walk with Christ.  Always.

I'm sure many of my family members have ways in which Nana's faith impacted their lives.  And there are no doubt countless others who are not family that have been impacted by her faith.  So, on Thursday afternoon, when my Nana breathed her last breath on earth and then open her eyes in Heaven, I have no doubt that she heard "Well done good and faithful servant" (Matthew 25:21).  She is now worshiping the Lord and receiving the reward she so richly deserves.

 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven.
~Matthew 5:12 (NIV)

 But this little 'Sunshine' is going to miss her Nana.
~Mylissa

Goodbye for now my sweet Nana.  I love you! ~Sunshine