Never Stop Praying

About a year ago, I read a book called The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson.  Earlier this year, I followed up with Draw The Circle, a 40 day prayer challenge, written by the same author.  These two books have radically changed my prayer life and taught me to pray in a much bolder way.  I kept a prayer journal while doing the 40 day challenge.  Since that time, my precious little writing time has been spent in that journal.  While God often brings a variety of people or things to my heart to pray about, I have noticed three distinct themes in my written prayers.  

The first is the Matthew Project.  For quite some time, Chip and I felt a little "stuck" in what we were doing.  We began to ask God for direction.  We both know there is more we are supposed to be doing, but for a long time we were honestly clueless.  God is beginning to show us a direction and open a few doors.  We are boldly praying about two very specific things and waiting to see what God is going to do.  It is really neat to be able to look into my prayer journal and literally see the way my prayers are being answered for the work of the project.  But even as God is beginning to reveal some things to us, I have to remind myself to stay faithful in prayerfully seeking HIS direction. 

The second area is a very personal issue and I cannot share details of it.  It's something that Chip and I both want God to specifically tell us what to do, but that hasn't happened yet.  What I can see in my journal is God continually telling me to do nothing.  He has not stopped assuring me that this is not my battle, it is HIS.  He repeatedly brings Exodus 14:14 to me as a reminder: 

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. (NIV)

So even though I want God to give me a specific action to take, I know HE is telling me to do nothing and let HIM take care of it.  My human side doesn't like that, but I am trying to faithfully obey.  And again, it's really neat to see the progression of these prayers in my prayer journal.

The third area however is a much different story and it's very frustrating.  The third consistent theme I can see in my journal is written prayers and pleadings for our son Will.  And most days, I honestly feel like I am beating my head against the wall.  God is not answering my prayers in the way I want HIM to or in the time frame that I want HIM to.  Quite honestly, there are days that I wonder if my prayers for Will matter at all.  I just don't understand what God is allowing in the life of my son.  Since Matthew's death Will has struggled, greatly.  As his momma, it has been heartbreaking and I so desperately want God to intervene and do something God-sized in the life of my child.  That's the human side of me and I am currently enduring a great struggle between my heart and my head.  My heart hurts for my child.  My head knows that there are things I cannot see and there are things I do not know - God is up to something.  I am reminded that no matter how much I love my son (and it is a lot!), God loves him so much more.  My love for Will is only a tiny speck when compared with God's great and vast love for him.  So even though I cannot see a response to my prayers, I am trusting that God is at work on Will's behalf.  When I feel completely defeated and I want to give up, I remind myself that God does hear my prayers.  I believe that God does and will honor the prayers of a faithful mother and I turn to this verse as a prayer guide:

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV)

This verse reminds me to never stop praying.  I now realize that when my children were younger, I did not pray the right way for them.  I prayed for their salvation and I prayed for their general protection, but I did not pray effective, sustaining prayers.  I did not pray for protection from evil.  Evil is real and present in this world and I have seen it at work in the life of my son for the last four years.  I can't change the past.  I can't go back in time and pray for my son to be protected from the attacks of Satan.  I can't change what has happened in his life.

But I can pray for God to move in a mighty way in his life now.  I can pray for God to take what the devil intended for harm and use it for good (Genesis 50:20).  I cannot see what God is doing, but I am choosing to trust that HE is up to something.  There are days that my sweet hubby has to remind me of that, but I will not stop praying and I will not give up hope.

I know there are other mommas out there who feel the same way.  You wonder if God hears your prayers for your children.  You sometimes don't understand what is happening and you get frustrated.  I want to encourage you...NEVER STOP PRAYING!  I believe it is the greatest gift we can give our children.  And as their mommas, we can pray for them like no one else.  There is no love like a mother's for her child and I believe there is no prayer like a mother's for her child. 

So mommas (and daddies, grandmas, and grandpas too) I am challenging you to join me in praying this scripture over our children:

The Armour of God
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

Ephesians 6:10-18 (NIV) 

HE does hear us.   
Never stop praying.  

How Many Times???

That is the question I am asking God right now.
How many times do I have to give up my dreams?
How many times do I have to dig deep?
How many times do I have to force myself to get out of bed everyday?
How many times do I have to choose hope when it would be so easier to just give up?

How many times???

And the truth is, I have no idea...

Once again, we are in the fire, facing a battle.
And once again, I DO NOT want to do this.

I'm tired of the being in the fire.
I'm tired of battles.
I'm tired of heartache.
I''m tired of having hopes and dreams only to have them come crashing down around me.

I could go on and on about what "I'm tired of..."

And there's no end in sight.

So what am I supposed to do?

I'm going to be honest, this battle is one of the toughest yet.

I have buried a child.
A child I loved and adored.
A child wanted to see grow up.
A child I wanted to send to proms and watch graduate from high school.
A child I wanted to see become a man and have a family of his own.

And I have another child.
And I love and adore him too.
And I had the same dreams for him.
I've already had to give up on some of those dreams and the rest of them are now in jeopardy.

And I hate it.
And I am really mad.
And my heart is broken.

So what am I supposed to do???

I don't know.

Here's what I do know...

GOD IS STILL GOD!
He is still on His throne.
He is still in control.

Right now, my life feels completely out of control.
But I know He is here.
Even in this, He is here.

Don't get me wrong, He and I have had some serious conversations lately.
I've said some things that I've later had to apologize for.
I've questioned Him.
I've asked why.
I've asked when is it enough.
And I've asked, HOW MANY TIMES???

And I still don't have any of those answers.

But, I'm going to keep doing what I've done for the last four years.
I'm going to get up everyday (whether I want to or not).
I'm going to put one foot in front of the other.
I'm going to keep saying "I trust you Lord" (even when I can only whisper it).
I'm going to keep reading His word.
And I'm going to praying to Him.

I don't know how many times.
I don't know how many dreams I'll have to give up.
I don't know how much heartache there will be.
I don't know how this situation will end.
And I don't know what will happen next.

I will continue to believe in Proverbs 3:5:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding

It's all I know to do.

In a moment of despair, God brought this word to me from Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I trust Him and I believe Him.
Even when I don't know

HOW MANY TIMES???

Time to Change the World

Are you using your time to change the world or is it changing you?  We all want to make a difference; to know that what we do is important.  Sometimes we spend so much time trying to be significant that we lose track of what really matters.  We become defined by our schedules and plans. Craziness and business become habit and routine. And suddenly, we find our lives out of control.  Even though our days may be filled to overflowing, we find ourselves feeling empty and disappointed.  

So let me ask: Are you caught in the cycle of chaos and the sin of business because you haven’t stopped to think maybe this isn’t God’s plan for you and your time?

God did not make us to live the way the world lives.  We are each created as individuals with unique gifts and talents.   

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

~Ephesians 2:10 says

God expects us to use our time on the talents HE has chosen specifically for us. 

Here are some things to think about:

Do your heart and soul, the essence of who you really are, show through in what you do?

Are your days full of things you really don’t want to be doing? 

Is your schedule is controlling you or are you controlling your schedule?

Are you so busy trying to “get it all done” that you don’t get any of it done. (Here’s a little secret…you will NEVER get it all done! There will always be something more to do.)

Our kids, homes, families, churches and communities will benefit from us slowing down and doing specifically what God has called us and us alone to do.  When your heart and calendar become available to God, you will begin to focus on the things that will have the greatest impact. Mother Teresa said, “I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.” 

 Do you even have time to cast your stone?

Do you know what your calling is? If you have a hard time saying “no” chances are you don’t know what God wants you to be doing. You have to learn that it’s okay to say no.  And you have to learn to say no to the things that are not yours to carry right now.  These may very well be things you want to do. And these are probably good things. But are they the things God wants you to do?  Remember, just because God isn’t calling you to it now, doesn’t mean HE never will. Learn to focus on the season you are living in now and the plan God has for you at this time.   

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.

~Ecclesiastes 3:1 

Are you worn out from the business? Do you ever feel inadequate at what you do, no matter how hard you try to make it a success? I know I’ve certainly been there!  

Friends, we can’t do anything well when we try to do everything. 

Think about 1 Corinthians 10:31

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

If your running around trying to do everything, are you doing it to glorify God? Probably not. When you honor God with what you do, when you glorify God with your time, your purpose becomes clear.  And when God has called you to something, He will equip you with all you need to succeed. The exhaustion and feelings of incompetence will disappear.

So, how do you discover what God is calling you to do:

First, analyze your gifts. What talents has God given you? Don’t consider anything to be insignificant.  God can and will do things far beyond anything you can imagine. Don't limit His ability to do something amazing through you.

Also, you must take control of your schedule. This will mean some adjustment. This will mean saying no. And remember if you are doing a task God did not call you to, you may be preventing someone else from doing what God has called them to do.

And most of all, listen to God for directions. There is only one way to hear His voice. You must get into HIS word and wait for HIM to speak. He will answer, but you have to slow down and listen.

Find your passion. Find your calling.  Follow God’s leading and see what great and mighty things He will do. 

If you’re serious about changing the world, you’re going to have to start by making time for yourself.  Sometimes ladies, you just need to take a break.  As Pricilla Shirer says in her book, The Resolution, “it’s not a break from your life; it’s a break for your life”. 

Let that sink in…a break for your life.   

It’s not selfish.

It’s not unimportant.

It’s not something you should feel guilty about. 

If you’re not taking care of you, how can you take care of the world around you? How are you going to be available to God? How are you going to be able to change the world? 

Take time to breathe. 

Girlfriends, even Jesus took time to rest! 

What simple pleasure would rejuvenate you? A walk on the beach, a bubble bath, a cup of coffee and a good book, a pedicure, a jog, a nap…

Get creative.  It’s doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. But it does have to be about you and you alone. And it does have to be done on a regular basis.  When you do that, it will begin to change your world, then the world of your family, your co-workers, your church, your community.  It's a ripple effect.

When you honor God with your time,

when you become intentional with your time, 

when you use your time on your calling, 

when you create “me” time...

YOU WILL BEGIN TO CHANGE THE WORLD!

A Three Year Journey...It's Only the Beginning

One Thousand Ninety Five Days...
That's how long it's been since I've heard my sweet baby boy's voice, felt his hugs, smelled his hair, known his physical presence. One thousand ninety five days...

Three years ago, January 22, 2010, my life was so "normal" at the start of the day.  I was just a busy wife and mom, doing my thing.  I loved my life. I loved my family. I was blessed and I knew it.

I remember seeing Matthew hugging Chip by the kitchen sink that morning. I remember saying "I love you".  I remember hearing "I love you too!" I remember watching him walk up the sidewalk into school. I wish I had watched a little longer. I remember my last moments of being normal.  And then, late in the afternoon, there was a phone call. The call that changed everything...

That's where the memories get fuzzy.  I remember hearing screams, were they mine? Yes, they must have been.

I remember people, lots and lots of people.

I remember telling Will. I wish I could erase that memory from my mind.

I remember waiting to see Matthew. I would NOT believe it was him until I saw him. Maybe there had been a mistake.

I remember someone giving me his shoes. I still would not believe it. I HAD to see him.

And then, I saw him...
It was true.
My baby boy had left us.
He was gone.
It really was him.
There had been no mistake.
I felt faint and nauseous.
My head was spinning.
HOW could this be happening???
WHY was this happening???
WHAT were we supposed to do now???

The next few days were a blur.  It's impossible to describe what it's like to plan a funeral for your child; except to say it is a living nightmare, truly hell on earth.  We were surrounded with people and love, but somehow, I had never felt so lonely and lost.  And it was only the beginning...

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me

~Psalm 23:4

The day we buried Matthew was only the beginning of our nightmare. Satan was not finished messing with my family. We had many dark desperate moments to endure for almost two years after we lost Matthew. We had to move from our home. We almost lost Will 11 months after Matthew's accident. We had to fight, hard, to save our marriage. The nightmare would not end.

We tried to move forward by starting The Matthew Bellamy Project. The devil turned up the heat.  But still Chip and I believed God led us to start it and we DID NOT give up.

God has used our little non-profit to bless us in so many ways. It has helped to heal our hearts. It has taught us to trust in God and believe in his plan. And, it has helped give purpose Matthew's senseless death.  We may never see the results of what we do. We may never know if a child has been saved because of Matthew's story. But we pray everyday that God will use us and the project for HIS glory.  It is our ministry and as much as we promote gun safety, we also want it to be about the goodness of God .

During those first two years, we had to make a decision of lifelong significance. We had begun the adoption process in 2008. Our hearts desire was to adopt a little girl from foster care. After losing Matthew, we had to take some time and really reevaluate that desire. Eventually, after much prayer and thought we decided to continue with our adoption plans.

This part of our story does not have a happy ending...

There were two little girls we desperately wanted, even believed God had chosen for us.  We waited and waited to see if we would be chosen at their family. But, we were not chosen to be their family and it was another set back.

A short time later, a child was placed in our home. After only a month, the state removed her from our home. There were many issues and it was not a good situation. It was for the best. It broke our hearts non the less.

So, after the death of a biological child and two failed attempts at adoption, we closed the adoption chapter and moved on.

It took me some time to get over the failed adoption. Sometimes I still wonder if I am "over it". But I can see that having a child in our home and then removed taught us a very important lesson. Before she came, I couldn't bare the thought of there just being three of us. I hated the thought!!! I had always wanted more children. All I ever wanted to be was a mommy. After she left, I learned that we ARE okay.  Matthew being ripped from our lives nearly destroyed us. Now the three of us are closer than ever. I can now thank God for a failed adoption.  It was a necessary step in the healing of my family.  Did God intend for her stay with us to be so short? I don't know. But like so many other parts of our story, HE has used it for good (Romans 8:28).

I still think about the child we lost. I pray for her and hope she has found the help she needed.

My mind becomes overwhelmed if I think about those first two years too much. They were so very hard..

but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;  

they will run and not grow weary, 
they will walk and not be faint

~Isaiah 40:31

Last January, we decided to take our first family vacation without Matthew. Will got to choose the destination and he chose the happiest place on earth...Disney World.  We have had many wonderful trips there with our boys. It was a very bittersweet trip. There were so many wonderful memories of Matthew in every corner. But we created so many wonderful new memories also. Another HUGE step in the healing process.  The best moment, and one I will never forget, came when Will looked at me and said "we are finally a family again". Friends, I cannot tell you how many times during those two years I had begged God to restore my family. I honestly did not care about anything else. I just wanted my family back.  My son's words were some of the most precious I have ever heard!

As hard and unbearable as the first two years were, this last one has been one of healing. I can see a huge difference in all three of us. Don't get me wrong, there are still many days of tears and sadness. Sometimes one of us wakes up with what we call "Matthew brain", and there is nothing we can do but roll with it.
The pain is as real today as it was on day one.
We have learned it will never go away.
But neither does God's grace and love.
That's what gets us through the hard moments. And thankfully, there are now more steps forward than backwards.

I still think of Matthew everyday, a lot. I still miss him until it hurts (literally) sometimes. I still don't understand why.  I still want him back. Those things will never change. But I now have a relationship with God I never could have had without these past one thousand ninety five days. The beginning of this journey broke me, completely. There came a moment when I literally had to choose to believe in everything I knew about God or let it all go. It was either all true or none of it was true. I chose to believe. All I know to do is trust in God. Believe he is control. There is NO other option for me.  I cannot travel this journey with the HIM. And because I have trusted HIM, He has revealed himself to me and blessed me in ways I could never have imagined. He has led me on a path I never would have taken without learning to fully rely in HIM after Matthew's death.

So, I'm saying to you now, one thousand ninety five days after I lost my Matthew,  

GOD IS GOOD!

Believe it. 

Trust in it. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. 

~Proverbs 3:4-7

I wish I was not on this journey.
I wish my Matthew was upstairs wrestling with his brother.
I wish I had not seen, heard and felt the things that happened in those first two years.

I wish I did not have this story to tell.

But I am on this journey.
Matthew is not upstairs.
I have seen, heard and felt things you would not believe.

And this is my story...

I pray I am a good steward with what God has entrusted me with. 
Not just today, but for everyday until I see my Matthew again and meet my Savior face to face. 
To God be the glory. Great things He has done!

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

~Revelation 21:4

I love you to the moon and back Matthew...

and even more.

Bound on Earth, Connected for Eternity

There are soooooooo many things I miss about Matthew. I couldn't even begin to name them all...I think the list would just go on and on. There are the obvious things like his smile and the sound of his voice. Then there are the things that would only be special to me.  For example, the smell of his hair. It rarely smelled good. Many times he would get out of the shower only to hear me say, "Matthew, get back in there and use soap this time" (in my best mom voice). But, when Matthew hugged me, his head fit right under my chin. So, as I would bend down to kiss the top of his blond head, with his arms wrapped tightly around me, the smell of his hair filled my world. That is why I miss his smelly boy hair. It may seem silly to some, but it's a precious memory to me. 

I really could go on and on, the list is endless. However, without a doubt, one of the things I miss the most, is my two boys together. Being the mom of two boys is exhausting. You have to constantly try to stay one step ahead of two mischievous, creative minds. But for me it was one of the most beautiful gifts God ever gave me.

I remember clearly the moment I found out our second child was another boy. There really was no surprise. As many of you know, a Bellamy girl is a rare occurrence! I began to pray right then, with a full bladder and ultrasound goop still on my belly, that God would forge an unbreakable bond between these two brothers that would call me "mommy".  I asked God to give them a relationship like Chip has with his brothers.  God answered my prayer.  If you knew my boys together, you know what I mean.  They were quite a pair!

I loved listening to them laugh together. I loved hearing them play together. I loved the things they "plotted" together.  I love the way Will protected Matthew. I love the way Will taught Matthew.  I love the way they would fight until Chip and I would intervene, then they turned on us!  I love their silliness. So many things...

Will and Matthew spent so much time together. They did so many things together. They were bonded to the core. And I miss it! I miss "them"!

Learning to live without his other half has not been easy for Will. It is something he will deal with for the rest of his earthly life.  He has had many battles. So many times, when I have been unable to say or do the right thing for him, I have wished (deeply) that Matthew was here for him.  

Will was an amazing Big Brother for 11 years. And he still is. He carries Matthew with him. I love the way he protects his brother's memory. His eyes sparkle when he talks about Matthew. He lovingly shares memories. He works on things for the Matthew Project, in his on way, with pride to honor his brother. I don't think he even knows it, but Will is still taking care of his little brother everyday. I just wish it was in a physical, literal way.  I pray that he will continue to trust God and be guided by HIM in what he is to do with his memories, pain & grief.

This is my favorite picture of my boys...

It's probably obvious to you why I love it. 

But what you don't see is that they were pressing their heads together, 

trying to push the other one over. 

I just happened to snap my camera at the right moment

capturing a beautiful picture of my boys. 

It's the playfulness that only I knew of in this moment that miss until it hurts sometimes.

How does a mother's heart EVER  stop missing this?!?

I know that one day, they will see each other in heaven and it will be as if they were never apart.  WHAT a GLORIOUS day that will be!!!

The bond forged on earth, will live on for eternity.

God gave them to me once, HE will do it again.

But for now, I just miss it!!!

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows 

~James 1:17

My precious boys,

I love you both so much more than you can ever know. Even when the pain is great, I am reminded it is temporary.  I praise God for choosing me to be your mommy, blessing me with sweet memories of you together and promising me an eternity with you!

You truly are God's greatest earthly blessings to me.

Mommy

Grace and My Family

Earlier this year I read The Resolution for Women by Priscilla Shirer. It is based on the movie Courageous.  This book was so powerful to me. I wanted to rush through each chapter and read it as quickly as I could. If I had allowed myself, I think I would have easily finished it in a week. But, I didn't. I forced myself to go slowly. I only read one section a day, then allowed myself to think and meditate on what was said.  I  must confess, this book stepped on my toes so much, I don't know how I was able to lace up my running shoes and keep training for a 1/2 marathon while I was going through it!  I took notes, highlighted, made notes in the margins...all the while discovering new things about myself.

One particular chapter has been stuck in my mind the past few weeks. Over this long weekend, I've taken time to look back at it and review the parts that spoke to my heart. It's the section titled Living With Grace.  It's not referring to wonderful, beautiful, undeserving grace we receive from God. It's referring to the grace we should be extending in our homes. Yes, that's right...the grace we, as women should be extending in our homes, whether married or single.

It's our job to create a place of peace and understanding for those who live with us and all who enter.  Now, let me be the first to admit, this has not been something I have always been good at.  I have lost my cool with my sweet husband and children more times than I could possibly count.  But it is something that God has brought to my attention and together we have been working on it.  Since Matthew's death, certain things just don't matter to me like they used too. I don't sweat the small stuff. So, that alone has made it easier for me to accept the way Chip and Will do things some times.  Don't misunderstand, I still find myself counting backwards from ten from time to time before I respond to them, but it happens much less now than it used to. 

Everyday in our homes, there are issues, disagreements, potential "disasters", displays of weakness or failure.  I'm not talking about real problems that are serious and deserve some emotional attention. I'm talking about the insignificant issues that we turn into Drama 101. Things that in the grand scheme of things really don't matter. So many times, I have been guilty of holding those things over my family's head; keeping them in the back of my mind; not letting something go.  Have you?  It's so easy to do. As women, we are often tired and worn out. We carry much of the workload and burdens of the home. We just want our family to do things our way so that things to according to our plan. Can anyone relate?  However, our husbands and children sometimes have a different agenda from ours.  They sometimes make mistakes.  They sometimes forget things (over & over & over again!). And sometimes, they just act plain stupid! I used to let these things really upset me. And because it upset me, the atmosphere of the entire house changed.

I don't want to be like that anymore. Thankfully, I'm not like that anymore (most of the time).  God and I are still working on it, but I'm learning to respond in a more God like way to my family.  Sometimes I say okay, just because I know it will keep peace in my house. Sometimes I walk away when I really want to scream. Sometimes I laugh to keep from getting upset. Sometimes I do literally count backwards from ten before I open my mouth to speak. Chip has learned to recognize the "counting face" and he thinks it's funny to ask if I started at 10 or 100.

The Resolution, says we are to dispense grace. Grace is defined as favor or kindness expressed to the undeserving.  The undeserving.  That pretty much describes each and everyone of us...the undeserving. So, we are to express favor and kindness to who??? Everyone.

Unfortunately, those we love the most are sometimes, the last ones we show "favor and kindness".  I don't want that to be the case in my house. I want my house to be a place of love, peace and acceptance. I hate that there have been times when my mood changed the entire setting of our home.  I refuse to let the devil use me in that way anymore! I want my husband and son to know they are loved unconditionally. That mistakes are just that, mistakes. I want grace to be so overwhelming in my house that anyone who enters feels it and knows it is present.  This may be a life long process for me, but I am determined to keep working at it. My family deserves it. My family is worth it!

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger

Proverbs 15:1