Another Anniversary...

He had a sweet spirit, a big heart, and a ginormous smile.
He was curious and asked questions. A lot of questions.
He was never quiet.
And if he was...something was up.
Like seriously, go check it out NOW.
He was busy. All. The. Time.
School was not his favorite, but seeing his friends everyday was.
Soccer was his thing. And he was good at it.

If he was outside, he was happy.
If he was dirty, he was happy.
If he was with his brother, he was happy.
And when those things were all in combination together,
his world was absolutely perfect.

He played hard and loved big.
He made the world a better place.
And I miss every single thing about him.


I constantly wonder what he'd look like today.
How tall would he be?
What would his voice sound like now?
Would he have gone to college next fall? Where?
Would he have joined the military? Which branch?
Or maybe a technical school? For what?
This list could go on and on.
I'll never stop wondering who he'd be today. Or tomorrow. Or next month.
And on and on it goes...

I'll never stop loving him.
I'll never stop missing him.
I'll never stop grieving him.
I'll never stop wondering why and this will never be "okay".

But in spite of it all, I know that God is God and I am not. Period.
If I've learned nothing else in the last six years, I've learned that He is enough.
I still trust Him.
I still seek Him.
I still long for Him.
In fact, even more so than before.

I run to Him, and cry to Him, and yell at Him, and ask Him why.
And then praise Him, and thank Him, and trust Him all over again.
It's the cycle of a mother's grief.
And that is okay.

And because I know that one precious, glorious day I will see that sweet face again,
Because of eternity...
I can face today, this day that I hate more than any other.
This day when a piece of my heart left this earth and my family was forever changed.
And I can face tomorrow, and next week, and next year.
Because of Christ, and only because of Him...
I. Can. Do. This.

Thank You Jesus.
Thank You for the cross.
Thank You for eternity.
Thank You for peace for today and hope for tomorrow.
Thank You for choosing me to be his mommy.
Thank You for Matthew.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.  ~Psalm 23:4-6

Morning by Morning

I miss my Matthew - every minute of every day. 

But some days are harder than others. 

And sometimes the hard days run together. 

Last week was one of those times. 

Tuesday was Matthew’s birthday and Thursday he should have started his senior year of high school. I tried to prepare myself in advance, but as I have learned all too well throughout this journey, there are some things I just can’t prepare for. Some days are so painful that all I can do is tearfully ride them out. 

And that is okay.

I’ve learned that it is okay that I still sometimes feel days of extreme sadness. I’ve learned that those days will continue to come as long as I am on this side of heaven. I'm thankful that they do not come nearly as often as they used to. And I’ve learned that on those really bad days, God is always, always enough.

Tuesday morning (Matthew’s birthday) I headed to the beach for an early morning run. It was still dark when I got there and I was grateful that no one would be able to see my tears as I ran. However, I quickly discovered that my heart was so heavy that a run was not happening that day. It was literally all I could do just to pick up one foot after another and take small steps. 

So, I stopped trying and just stood still to let God speak to me.

Be still and know that I am God.
Psalm 46:10

The beach is my place. It is where I feel God’s presence like nowhere else. There is just something about the beauty and majesty of the ocean that gets me - every single time.

Tuesday was no exception. As I stood in the water’s edge, crying the tears of a momma’s broken heart, one of the most beautiful sunrises I have ever seen appeared. I thought I needed a good run to meet God that day. He had a very different plan. As I stood frozen and crying, I was reminded of His faithfulness throughout this journey. 

And I was also reminded of another important lesson I have learned along the way...

In the early days of grief, mornings were excruciatingly painful. Every morning I awoke to the reality that Matthew was gone all over again. It took me forever to get moving each and every day. It felt like I was moving in slow motion. It was horrible and I was completely helpless to change it. But during that time, I began to see that as each painful day arrived, God was faithful to meet me and carry me through. As time slowly moved forward, I began to fear the mornings less and less because I knew that no matter how bad the pain, God would get me through – one day at a time. If I looked beyond the present day, it was too much to bare. But as I learned to trust Him to meet me each and every day, healing began.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23

God promises to meet all our needs, and I completely trust in that promise. But even as I continue to grow closer to Him, there are still times that I look for Him to provide more than He has promised. God’s Word is clear that I am not to worry about tomorrow (Matthew 6:34). I am called to rely on Him one day at a time, knowing that He will provide what I need for tomorrow - but only when I get there. 

That’s a lot easier said than done. Right???

I am so guilty!

Even after He has proven His faithfulness time and  time again, I worry about things down the road, which only creates more stress in the present. And when I fret over things beyond today, it is straight up sin!

Watching that beautiful sunrise last Tuesday reminded me of the importance of trusting in Him day by day, sometimes minute by minute. It reminded me of His faithfulness throughout this entire journey – even when I could not feel Him. He has not left me for one single second. The same God who provided a ram for Abraham, gave daily manna in the desert, parted the Red Sea, sent a shepherd to slay a giant, turned water into wine, gave sight to a blind man, healed the man at the well, and SO much more is the same God who loves me and you. And He is the same God that will provide for our every need. 

Every single one of them. 

Morning by morning.

It is hard sometimes to have blind faith in tomorrow and beyond. But isn’t that ultimately what true faith is…believing that He will meet every emotional and physical need - even when we have no idea how He will do it. 

He is with you today and He will be with you tomorrow...

waiting to show His unending love, compassion, and sovereignty.

Don't allow yourself to be overwhelmed by the tomorrow. 

Instead, allow Him to bless you today.

Thank you Lord that your mercies are new every morning. GREAT is Your faithfulness. 

Help me to stay focused on You and trust in You, one day at a time.

It's Been a Little Crazy 'Round Here

WOW! That's all I can say about the month of January.
Just Wow!

We began the month with North Myrtle Beach Mayor, Marilyn Hatley and the City Council issuing a proclamation declaring January as Gun Safety Month.

It was a great honor to receive this and have the work we are doing in Matthew's memory officially recognized in NMB.  To celebrate the month, I did a heavy focus on teaching the Eddie Eagle Gun Safety Program to local children in area day cares, preschools, private schools and churches.  The proclamation also led to an unexpected TV interview.  GOD IS GOOD!

It was amazing to see so many children learning what to do if they find a gun: STOP, DON'T TOUCH, LEAVE THE AREA, and TELL AN ADULT.  I really loved sharing our story and this program, but it took a toll on me.  I soon found myself without a voice and then sick.  Non-the-less, it was completely worth it!  I have had SO many parents tell me their kids have recited those steps over and over and over to them.  GOD IS GOOD!

As I was doing all this, we were also planning for our annual, BIG fundraiser; a Chicken Bog dinner and Silent Auction.  Our volunteers are awesome and they worked so hard at getting items in for the auction.  But, as we got closer to the January 29th event, the forecast for that day was getting worse and worse (and my stress level was going up and up!).  Three days before the event, we had to make the decision to postpone it by two days until the 31st.  I was so disappointed. I knew that there was NO way to have it on the 29th, but I also knew that moving it at the last minute was going to affect turn out.  We ended up with three days of icy roads and four days of cancelled school, but by 4:30 on January, 31st, the roads were clear and we DID have an great event.  

I think cabin fever had set in and everyone was ready to get out.  Profits were not what I had originally hope for but I absolutely CANNOT complain.  We're still collecting on a few final silent auction items, but our profits should come in around the $10,000 mark!  The Matthew Project has been blessed again, and I thank God!!

It's really difficult to put the month of January and what it meant to us in words.  January is a very hard month.  The 22nd marked four years since we lost our sweet Matthew.  I still miss him more everyday.  I think about him everyday.  I wonder how tall he would be, what his voice would sound like, would his hair still be soooooooo blonde...

The list is endless.

Yet having this work in the month of January, having an intentional focus on gun safety in our home town helps ease the pain.  The hope that we are saving children through the work of the Matthew Project keeps us going.  January was a long, tough month.  The emotional and physical strain was real.  But it was so worth it. 

THANK YOU to everyone who helped us this month.  Your prayers, words of encouragement, donations and love do not go unnoticed.  We are very blessed.  

So yep, it's been a little crazy 'round here, but it was worth every crazy, frustrating, stressful moment. 

Because HE Lives...

For most of my life, Christmas was my favorite holiday. As a child I obviously looked forward to Santa coming and the gifts.  As a mom, I fell in love with Christmas for a different reason. There is nothing like watching the excitement of your child at Christmas. I used to love the sights, smells, crafts, decorating, baking, gift wrapping...all of it!

Then we lost Matthew...
and everything changed.

From a religious stand point, I still love Christmas. Nothing, not even the death of my son, can diminish the gift of Christ. But Christmas is no longer my favorite holiday. It's hard, really hard. And I don't think that's ever going to change.

My new favorite holiday is Easter.

Matthew died in January, and Easter was our first real holiday without him. It was the first time our extended family was all together. It was one of the first times (of many) I was consumed by his absence and by the fact that our lives are forever changed.

But somehow through the unspeakable pain and grief so soon after Matthew's death, I discovered a new love for Easter and it's true meaning.

Christmas is a beautiful holiday. The birth of our Savior is a wondrous, joyous occasion. But it only the beginning of the story.  Without the end of the story, The Gift has no purpose. Without Easter, what does the birth of Christ mean???

In Easter, I have discovered the true beauty of the story, the true meaning of the gift of Christ.

We are all sinners by nature...

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 

~Romans 3:23

But when Jesus came to earth, died on the cross, then rose from the dead three days later...

It all changed!

For the wages of sin is death,  but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

~Romans 6:23 

Three years ago, on that first Easter without my Matthew, I finally began to understand what God had truly given me in The Gift of Christ.

Because of Easter, I get to see my Matthew again.
Because of Easter, my family will be complete again.
Because of Easter, we will be reunited one day for eternity.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

~John 3:16

It overwhelms me.
I am not worthy.
Yet for some reason, God loves me enough that HE spared HIS son, so that I may see my son again. It's the reassurance of that promise that keeps me going. It's how I survive the darkest moments.

So if you see a tear on my face the next few days, it may be because I am missing Matthew. Or, it may be because every Easter I feel completely overwhelmed by what this holiday truly means.

Thank you Jesus for dying for me. Thank you for giving me the gift of eternal life. Thank you for promising me that I will see Matthew again. Your gift is more than I can comprehend.

~Mylissa

a note of Thanks...

This week is the beginning of the most difficult time of the year for me.  Thanksgiving and Christmas are so bittersweet without my Matthew. His death has taught me to treasure my time with our families so much more than I did before. But at the same time, it makes me miss Matthew so much more.

He loved family time. And his absence feels so much bigger when we're all together -

and there's no Matthew...

As soon as we get through the holidays, it's January and we face the anniversary of his death.

So, the next two months are really, really tough!

But this time also reminds me of something great.  

One of the many gifts God has given us through this journey-

The gift of friendship...

And it is a precious gift!!!

I know there are many of you who continue to lift us up in prayer. Believe me when I say we have felt it and we still feel it.  God is using you in such a powerful way to minister to my family.  

I could never say it enough, but

THANK YOU!!!

So, tonight on Thanksgiving Eve, the night before one of the hardest days of the year for me, I am giving thanks for you. Our faithful, wonderful friends and family who have not been afraid of our grief. Who have wrapped us in love. Who have lifted us up and encouraged us. Who have been the literal hands and feet of God.

Happy Thanksgiving. 

Enjoy every moment with your family. 

And thank you for being there for my family!!!

I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers.

~Ephesians 1:16

The Angels By My Side

There are some very special people in my life. They are dear Christian friends who have been there for my family through the really tough times. Most of them are women, but there are a few men too. They come from different age groups and backgrounds. Some have been in my life a long time and some were mere acquaintances when Matthew died. They all have one thing in common though. God has used them in a mighty way for the last two years and nearly 8 months.

Francesca Battistelli has a song entitled "Angel By Your Side" that perfectly describes what these treasured friends are to me.  Each time I hear it, I am reminded of how God has blessed me by providing comfort, support, laughter, perspective, and so much more through this wonderful group of people. In many ways they have been the literal hands, feet and voice of God to me.

I can't tell you how many times I've had someone tell me they were compelled to pray for me at a certain time. It never fails that it was a time I desperately needed someone to pray for me. I love how God works that way.  After Matthew died, I had trouble sleeping for a very long time. We all did.  Then one day I woke up and realized I had slept through the night. The next Sunday at church, a new friend told me that on that very night she woke from a sound sleep with the urging to pray for me. She did so for hours...and I slept through the night for the first time in months. Friends, that is not coincidence, that is THE Holy Spirit at work!

I have my prayer warriors that I can call on at any hour to pray for a specific need. And I know  without a doubt, they do. Now, as I am becoming stronger, I am discovering great blessings in being able to do the same for them.  I love these women and the bond that has formed. I can't imagine my life without them. 

So tonight, I just want to say "Thank You!" Thank you to all those angels who have walked so closely with Chip, Will, and me through this. You can never know how much you mean to me. I'm sure there will still be many times I will call out to you for help...this is a life long journey.  However, it is great comfort to know you will be there. I have learned the value of true friendship. It is a priceless gift that God has provided in the darkness. 

I love you all dearly!!!
Mylissa

"Angel By Your Side"

I can’t say that everything’s okay

‘Cause I can see the tears you’re crying

And I can’t promise to take the pain away

But you can know I won’t stop trying

I’ll be the angel by your side

I will get you through the night

I’ll be the strength you can’t provide on your own

‘Cause when you’re down and out of time

And you think you’ve lost the fight

Let me be the angel

The angel by your side

I know it feels like you’re running out of faith

‘Cause it’s so hard to keep believing

But if I can bring a smile back to your face

If for a moment, you’ll forget all about it

I’ll be the angel by your side

I will get you through the night

I’ll be the strength you can’t provide on your own

‘Cause when you’re down and out of time

And you think you’ve lost the fight

Let me be the angel

The angel by your side

‘Cause this won’t be the last time

You’ll need a little hope

But I want to be the first to let you know

I’ll be the angel by your side

I will get you through the night

I’ll be the strength you can’t provide on your own

‘Cause when you’re down and out of time

And you think you’ve lost the fight

Let me be the angel

The angel by your side 

 

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:  

If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. 

But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.  

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10