Another Anniversary...

He had a sweet spirit, a big heart, and a ginormous smile.
He was curious and asked questions. A lot of questions.
He was never quiet.
And if he was...something was up.
Like seriously, go check it out NOW.
He was busy. All. The. Time.
School was not his favorite, but seeing his friends everyday was.
Soccer was his thing. And he was good at it.

If he was outside, he was happy.
If he was dirty, he was happy.
If he was with his brother, he was happy.
And when those things were all in combination together,
his world was absolutely perfect.

He played hard and loved big.
He made the world a better place.
And I miss every single thing about him.


I constantly wonder what he'd look like today.
How tall would he be?
What would his voice sound like now?
Would he have gone to college next fall? Where?
Would he have joined the military? Which branch?
Or maybe a technical school? For what?
This list could go on and on.
I'll never stop wondering who he'd be today. Or tomorrow. Or next month.
And on and on it goes...

I'll never stop loving him.
I'll never stop missing him.
I'll never stop grieving him.
I'll never stop wondering why and this will never be "okay".

But in spite of it all, I know that God is God and I am not. Period.
If I've learned nothing else in the last six years, I've learned that He is enough.
I still trust Him.
I still seek Him.
I still long for Him.
In fact, even more so than before.

I run to Him, and cry to Him, and yell at Him, and ask Him why.
And then praise Him, and thank Him, and trust Him all over again.
It's the cycle of a mother's grief.
And that is okay.

And because I know that one precious, glorious day I will see that sweet face again,
Because of eternity...
I can face today, this day that I hate more than any other.
This day when a piece of my heart left this earth and my family was forever changed.
And I can face tomorrow, and next week, and next year.
Because of Christ, and only because of Him...
I. Can. Do. This.

Thank You Jesus.
Thank You for the cross.
Thank You for eternity.
Thank You for peace for today and hope for tomorrow.
Thank You for choosing me to be his mommy.
Thank You for Matthew.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.  ~Psalm 23:4-6

Easter Is THE Reason

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

~John 3:16

As far back as I can remember, Christmas was my favorite holiday.  I loved everything about it.  As a Christian, of course I celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ with great joy and thanksgiving.  But I am not ashamed of the fact that I loved and enjoyed all the other "stuff" that comes with Christmas (hello! Christmas cookies).

But one Friday afternoon four years ago changed all that. 

Holidays are painful without Matthew.  They remind me of what is missing.  Matthew loved holidays and without him, it's just not the same.

However since his death, the magnitude and beauty of Easter has become so powerful for me.  Christmas and the birth of baby Jesus is wonderful, but it's only the beginning of the story.  Jesus' death and resurrection three days later is where my hope comes from.  Easter is the reason I will see Matthew again.

It overwhelms me, completely.  I am in tears just typing these words.  I am so unworthy of the gift God has given, yet I have received.

I know the pain of losing a son.  I did not choose for my son to die.  And if I had been given the choice, I would have screamed "NO!!!!!!!!!!".

Yet God loves you and me so very much that He willingly let His perfect son come to earth, become human, be mocked, tortured and abused and finally murdered - all for us.  And because He loves me that much, I get to see my baby boy again.  I get to feel his sweet arms around my neck.  I get to hear him say "I love you to the moon and back mommy". 

I long for that day.  I can't wait for him to take my hand and show me the beauty and majesty of heaven.  I can't wait...
But I have to wait.

And that is why Easter overwhelms me.  It's almost too much.  The magnitude of God's love is almost more than I can handle.

There are no words that I can ever say to thank God for this gift.  I can never earn it nor do I deserve it.  Yet, He has freely given it to me.

So, as you celebrate Easter, remember that Easter is THE reason.

I know many of you may be going through some tough times.  Our family is in a definite time of testing right now.  I urge you though, whatever struggles you are facing, cling to the fact that Easter is THE reason for HOPE.

It seems dark now, but I know how the story ends...
JESUS WINS!

I pray you have a blessed Easter.  And I pray you find hope not only in the beauty of the cross, but in the power of the empty tomb.

He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay.

~Matthew 28:6

Easter 2001

Happy Easter in heaven Matthew.  

I can't wait until we get to celebrate and praise God together!!!

I love you to the moon and back!

~Mommy

It's Been a Little Crazy 'Round Here

WOW! That's all I can say about the month of January.
Just Wow!

We began the month with North Myrtle Beach Mayor, Marilyn Hatley and the City Council issuing a proclamation declaring January as Gun Safety Month.

It was a great honor to receive this and have the work we are doing in Matthew's memory officially recognized in NMB.  To celebrate the month, I did a heavy focus on teaching the Eddie Eagle Gun Safety Program to local children in area day cares, preschools, private schools and churches.  The proclamation also led to an unexpected TV interview.  GOD IS GOOD!

It was amazing to see so many children learning what to do if they find a gun: STOP, DON'T TOUCH, LEAVE THE AREA, and TELL AN ADULT.  I really loved sharing our story and this program, but it took a toll on me.  I soon found myself without a voice and then sick.  Non-the-less, it was completely worth it!  I have had SO many parents tell me their kids have recited those steps over and over and over to them.  GOD IS GOOD!

As I was doing all this, we were also planning for our annual, BIG fundraiser; a Chicken Bog dinner and Silent Auction.  Our volunteers are awesome and they worked so hard at getting items in for the auction.  But, as we got closer to the January 29th event, the forecast for that day was getting worse and worse (and my stress level was going up and up!).  Three days before the event, we had to make the decision to postpone it by two days until the 31st.  I was so disappointed. I knew that there was NO way to have it on the 29th, but I also knew that moving it at the last minute was going to affect turn out.  We ended up with three days of icy roads and four days of cancelled school, but by 4:30 on January, 31st, the roads were clear and we DID have an great event.  

I think cabin fever had set in and everyone was ready to get out.  Profits were not what I had originally hope for but I absolutely CANNOT complain.  We're still collecting on a few final silent auction items, but our profits should come in around the $10,000 mark!  The Matthew Project has been blessed again, and I thank God!!

It's really difficult to put the month of January and what it meant to us in words.  January is a very hard month.  The 22nd marked four years since we lost our sweet Matthew.  I still miss him more everyday.  I think about him everyday.  I wonder how tall he would be, what his voice would sound like, would his hair still be soooooooo blonde...

The list is endless.

Yet having this work in the month of January, having an intentional focus on gun safety in our home town helps ease the pain.  The hope that we are saving children through the work of the Matthew Project keeps us going.  January was a long, tough month.  The emotional and physical strain was real.  But it was so worth it. 

THANK YOU to everyone who helped us this month.  Your prayers, words of encouragement, donations and love do not go unnoticed.  We are very blessed.  

So yep, it's been a little crazy 'round here, but it was worth every crazy, frustrating, stressful moment. 

I'm Not Feeling It, But...

Last November I shared with you how hard this time of year is for me.  I miss Matthew terribly during Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It seems as if everything around me reminds me that a piece of my heart is gone forever.

I know November is a time to be thankful and count our blessings, but honestly, most days I'm just not feeling it.

But I am reminded of God’s word:

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

~1 Thessalonians 5:18

So I am choosing to do something different this year. 

I am choosing to be thankful for the many gifts and blessings that have come because of the loss of my son.   

God has provided many things that would not be if Matthew had not died.  So even though I would much rather have my son, I am thankful for what God has provided in Matthew’s absence. 

NEW FRIENDSHIPS: There are some beautiful women in my life who were mere acquaintances four years ago.  These women have become trusted sisters in Christ and trusted prayer warriors for my family.  While some people (even family members) are afraid of my grief, rarely mention Matthew’s name and simply cannot deal with the reality that is my life, these women have jumped in the trenches with me.  They laugh with me on the good days and hold me as I cry on the really hard days.  They are a blessing and have served as the literal hands and feet of God at times. 

THE MATTHEW PROJECT: When Chip and I felt led to start our nonprofit, we truly had no idea what would become of it.  We did not know if there was a need.   We did not know if we would do this for a few weeks, months or years.  I now think I will run this organization for a very long time.  This year, I have seen some amazing things happen through the Matthew Project that could only have been orchestrated by God.  At the end of August, I was able to leave my job and dedicate myself to the project full time.  It is really neat to see the words of Romans 8:28 at work through the Matthew Project.  

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD: The struggles and darkness my family has faced has been indescribable.  The pain has been and is still really hard.  BUT, in facing these things and trusting God with them, I have a relationship with HIM that would not have been possible any other way.  And it is a beautiful relationship.  

LESSONS LEARNED: It is a daily choice to not be consumed.  It is a daily act of submission to HIS will.  It is a daily act of giving it all to HIM.  But I have learned HE is bigger than it ALL! 

SCHOOL: For many years I wanted to finish my degree, but never did anything about it.  It was just a dream.  My struggles have given me COURAGE that I never knew before.  One result of that courage is enrolling in Liberty University Online in January.  Some days, I wonder, “What was I thinking???”, but I am so glad I have taken this step and thankful for God leading me to it.

A VOICE:  God has given me a literal voice.  I pray that God uses our story to impact others for HIM.  I want to honor Matthew’s memory and God.  Early on in this journey, I realized that for that to happen, I had to physically speak and I was terrified.  I prayed for a voice because I knew I could not do it.  God answered and I pray that when I speak, HIS presence is felt.

  

A NEW PERSPECTIVE: Life. Is. Short.

Matthew made a huge impact in eleven short years.  He did so by genuinely caring about others, showing love to them and making the most of every moment.  I want that for my life.  He is my inspiration!

THIS BLOG:  God told me (over and over and over again!) that I was supposed to be writing and sharing with other women.  I told HIM "no" (over and over and over again!).  Obviously, I eventually gave in.  I am still very uncomfortable with this.  But I thank HIM for using our story and my struggles again to help others.  I believe that when we are transparent and share our stories, good and bad, we encourage each other.  Life is hard.  Ladies, we need each other!!!

JOY: Yes, Joy.  I have learned that joy is a choice.  God calls HIS children to live a life of joy.  In the book of James we are even told to count our trials as joy:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,  whenever you face trials of many kinds.

~James 1:2 

 So to me, joy is not about the condition of my circumstances, it’s about the condition of my heart.  It is about the focus of my heart.  And through the loss of my son, I have found the source of true joy.  The world cannot provide anything that even comes close to the joy of Christ.

So yes, I need you prayers right now.  This is an incredibly hard time of the year.  I will miss seeing him play football with his cousins on Thanksgiving Day terribly.  

I will miss my little ball of energy, with his great big smile, bouncing around full of Christmas Spirit. 

   

But I will reflect on these blessings.  And I will praise God.

Thank you for allowing me to share my blessings with you tonight.  My heart was heavy today.  This time of reflection has lightened my load.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your families. Treasure your moments together.  

And I pray that you can give thanks in all circumstances. 

~Mylissa

A Three Year Journey...It's Only the Beginning

One Thousand Ninety Five Days...
That's how long it's been since I've heard my sweet baby boy's voice, felt his hugs, smelled his hair, known his physical presence. One thousand ninety five days...

Three years ago, January 22, 2010, my life was so "normal" at the start of the day.  I was just a busy wife and mom, doing my thing.  I loved my life. I loved my family. I was blessed and I knew it.

I remember seeing Matthew hugging Chip by the kitchen sink that morning. I remember saying "I love you".  I remember hearing "I love you too!" I remember watching him walk up the sidewalk into school. I wish I had watched a little longer. I remember my last moments of being normal.  And then, late in the afternoon, there was a phone call. The call that changed everything...

That's where the memories get fuzzy.  I remember hearing screams, were they mine? Yes, they must have been.

I remember people, lots and lots of people.

I remember telling Will. I wish I could erase that memory from my mind.

I remember waiting to see Matthew. I would NOT believe it was him until I saw him. Maybe there had been a mistake.

I remember someone giving me his shoes. I still would not believe it. I HAD to see him.

And then, I saw him...
It was true.
My baby boy had left us.
He was gone.
It really was him.
There had been no mistake.
I felt faint and nauseous.
My head was spinning.
HOW could this be happening???
WHY was this happening???
WHAT were we supposed to do now???

The next few days were a blur.  It's impossible to describe what it's like to plan a funeral for your child; except to say it is a living nightmare, truly hell on earth.  We were surrounded with people and love, but somehow, I had never felt so lonely and lost.  And it was only the beginning...

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me

~Psalm 23:4

The day we buried Matthew was only the beginning of our nightmare. Satan was not finished messing with my family. We had many dark desperate moments to endure for almost two years after we lost Matthew. We had to move from our home. We almost lost Will 11 months after Matthew's accident. We had to fight, hard, to save our marriage. The nightmare would not end.

We tried to move forward by starting The Matthew Bellamy Project. The devil turned up the heat.  But still Chip and I believed God led us to start it and we DID NOT give up.

God has used our little non-profit to bless us in so many ways. It has helped to heal our hearts. It has taught us to trust in God and believe in his plan. And, it has helped give purpose Matthew's senseless death.  We may never see the results of what we do. We may never know if a child has been saved because of Matthew's story. But we pray everyday that God will use us and the project for HIS glory.  It is our ministry and as much as we promote gun safety, we also want it to be about the goodness of God .

During those first two years, we had to make a decision of lifelong significance. We had begun the adoption process in 2008. Our hearts desire was to adopt a little girl from foster care. After losing Matthew, we had to take some time and really reevaluate that desire. Eventually, after much prayer and thought we decided to continue with our adoption plans.

This part of our story does not have a happy ending...

There were two little girls we desperately wanted, even believed God had chosen for us.  We waited and waited to see if we would be chosen at their family. But, we were not chosen to be their family and it was another set back.

A short time later, a child was placed in our home. After only a month, the state removed her from our home. There were many issues and it was not a good situation. It was for the best. It broke our hearts non the less.

So, after the death of a biological child and two failed attempts at adoption, we closed the adoption chapter and moved on.

It took me some time to get over the failed adoption. Sometimes I still wonder if I am "over it". But I can see that having a child in our home and then removed taught us a very important lesson. Before she came, I couldn't bare the thought of there just being three of us. I hated the thought!!! I had always wanted more children. All I ever wanted to be was a mommy. After she left, I learned that we ARE okay.  Matthew being ripped from our lives nearly destroyed us. Now the three of us are closer than ever. I can now thank God for a failed adoption.  It was a necessary step in the healing of my family.  Did God intend for her stay with us to be so short? I don't know. But like so many other parts of our story, HE has used it for good (Romans 8:28).

I still think about the child we lost. I pray for her and hope she has found the help she needed.

My mind becomes overwhelmed if I think about those first two years too much. They were so very hard..

but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;  

they will run and not grow weary, 
they will walk and not be faint

~Isaiah 40:31

Last January, we decided to take our first family vacation without Matthew. Will got to choose the destination and he chose the happiest place on earth...Disney World.  We have had many wonderful trips there with our boys. It was a very bittersweet trip. There were so many wonderful memories of Matthew in every corner. But we created so many wonderful new memories also. Another HUGE step in the healing process.  The best moment, and one I will never forget, came when Will looked at me and said "we are finally a family again". Friends, I cannot tell you how many times during those two years I had begged God to restore my family. I honestly did not care about anything else. I just wanted my family back.  My son's words were some of the most precious I have ever heard!

As hard and unbearable as the first two years were, this last one has been one of healing. I can see a huge difference in all three of us. Don't get me wrong, there are still many days of tears and sadness. Sometimes one of us wakes up with what we call "Matthew brain", and there is nothing we can do but roll with it.
The pain is as real today as it was on day one.
We have learned it will never go away.
But neither does God's grace and love.
That's what gets us through the hard moments. And thankfully, there are now more steps forward than backwards.

I still think of Matthew everyday, a lot. I still miss him until it hurts (literally) sometimes. I still don't understand why.  I still want him back. Those things will never change. But I now have a relationship with God I never could have had without these past one thousand ninety five days. The beginning of this journey broke me, completely. There came a moment when I literally had to choose to believe in everything I knew about God or let it all go. It was either all true or none of it was true. I chose to believe. All I know to do is trust in God. Believe he is control. There is NO other option for me.  I cannot travel this journey with the HIM. And because I have trusted HIM, He has revealed himself to me and blessed me in ways I could never have imagined. He has led me on a path I never would have taken without learning to fully rely in HIM after Matthew's death.

So, I'm saying to you now, one thousand ninety five days after I lost my Matthew,  

GOD IS GOOD!

Believe it. 

Trust in it. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. 

~Proverbs 3:4-7

I wish I was not on this journey.
I wish my Matthew was upstairs wrestling with his brother.
I wish I had not seen, heard and felt the things that happened in those first two years.

I wish I did not have this story to tell.

But I am on this journey.
Matthew is not upstairs.
I have seen, heard and felt things you would not believe.

And this is my story...

I pray I am a good steward with what God has entrusted me with. 
Not just today, but for everyday until I see my Matthew again and meet my Savior face to face. 
To God be the glory. Great things He has done!

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

~Revelation 21:4

I love you to the moon and back Matthew...

and even more.

a note of Thanks...

This week is the beginning of the most difficult time of the year for me.  Thanksgiving and Christmas are so bittersweet without my Matthew. His death has taught me to treasure my time with our families so much more than I did before. But at the same time, it makes me miss Matthew so much more.

He loved family time. And his absence feels so much bigger when we're all together -

and there's no Matthew...

As soon as we get through the holidays, it's January and we face the anniversary of his death.

So, the next two months are really, really tough!

But this time also reminds me of something great.  

One of the many gifts God has given us through this journey-

The gift of friendship...

And it is a precious gift!!!

I know there are many of you who continue to lift us up in prayer. Believe me when I say we have felt it and we still feel it.  God is using you in such a powerful way to minister to my family.  

I could never say it enough, but

THANK YOU!!!

So, tonight on Thanksgiving Eve, the night before one of the hardest days of the year for me, I am giving thanks for you. Our faithful, wonderful friends and family who have not been afraid of our grief. Who have wrapped us in love. Who have lifted us up and encouraged us. Who have been the literal hands and feet of God.

Happy Thanksgiving. 

Enjoy every moment with your family. 

And thank you for being there for my family!!!

I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers.

~Ephesians 1:16

Bound on Earth, Connected for Eternity

There are soooooooo many things I miss about Matthew. I couldn't even begin to name them all...I think the list would just go on and on. There are the obvious things like his smile and the sound of his voice. Then there are the things that would only be special to me.  For example, the smell of his hair. It rarely smelled good. Many times he would get out of the shower only to hear me say, "Matthew, get back in there and use soap this time" (in my best mom voice). But, when Matthew hugged me, his head fit right under my chin. So, as I would bend down to kiss the top of his blond head, with his arms wrapped tightly around me, the smell of his hair filled my world. That is why I miss his smelly boy hair. It may seem silly to some, but it's a precious memory to me. 

I really could go on and on, the list is endless. However, without a doubt, one of the things I miss the most, is my two boys together. Being the mom of two boys is exhausting. You have to constantly try to stay one step ahead of two mischievous, creative minds. But for me it was one of the most beautiful gifts God ever gave me.

I remember clearly the moment I found out our second child was another boy. There really was no surprise. As many of you know, a Bellamy girl is a rare occurrence! I began to pray right then, with a full bladder and ultrasound goop still on my belly, that God would forge an unbreakable bond between these two brothers that would call me "mommy".  I asked God to give them a relationship like Chip has with his brothers.  God answered my prayer.  If you knew my boys together, you know what I mean.  They were quite a pair!

I loved listening to them laugh together. I loved hearing them play together. I loved the things they "plotted" together.  I love the way Will protected Matthew. I love the way Will taught Matthew.  I love the way they would fight until Chip and I would intervene, then they turned on us!  I love their silliness. So many things...

Will and Matthew spent so much time together. They did so many things together. They were bonded to the core. And I miss it! I miss "them"!

Learning to live without his other half has not been easy for Will. It is something he will deal with for the rest of his earthly life.  He has had many battles. So many times, when I have been unable to say or do the right thing for him, I have wished (deeply) that Matthew was here for him.  

Will was an amazing Big Brother for 11 years. And he still is. He carries Matthew with him. I love the way he protects his brother's memory. His eyes sparkle when he talks about Matthew. He lovingly shares memories. He works on things for the Matthew Project, in his on way, with pride to honor his brother. I don't think he even knows it, but Will is still taking care of his little brother everyday. I just wish it was in a physical, literal way.  I pray that he will continue to trust God and be guided by HIM in what he is to do with his memories, pain & grief.

This is my favorite picture of my boys...

It's probably obvious to you why I love it. 

But what you don't see is that they were pressing their heads together, 

trying to push the other one over. 

I just happened to snap my camera at the right moment

capturing a beautiful picture of my boys. 

It's the playfulness that only I knew of in this moment that miss until it hurts sometimes.

How does a mother's heart EVER  stop missing this?!?

I know that one day, they will see each other in heaven and it will be as if they were never apart.  WHAT a GLORIOUS day that will be!!!

The bond forged on earth, will live on for eternity.

God gave them to me once, HE will do it again.

But for now, I just miss it!!!

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows 

~James 1:17

My precious boys,

I love you both so much more than you can ever know. Even when the pain is great, I am reminded it is temporary.  I praise God for choosing me to be your mommy, blessing me with sweet memories of you together and promising me an eternity with you!

You truly are God's greatest earthly blessings to me.

Mommy

Fourteen was oh so hard...

The first counselor I met with after Matthew's death described grief as coming in waves.  Sometimes they're small, almost unnoticeable. At other times, they are larger, almost engulfing. For the last six days, I've been in a tsunami of a wave. Matthew's birthday is August 18th, and as it approached last week, I felt as if I were drowning.  I was so consumed one day, I had to send out a "prayer SOS" to some of my friends. (and by the way, I felt each of your prayers!)

This was our third birthday without him. I don't know why it was harder, but it was. Chip and I both felt it.  As it approached, I didn't feel grateful for 11 perfect birthdays - I wanted more!!! I wanted 12, 13, 14 and the ones still to come.  

I'm a mom and I AM allowed to feel this way sometimes.  I am definitely in a "mad" stage of grief right now.

Saturday, Matthew's birthday, I woke up in tears. This has been the case for the two years before as well, so no surprise there.  I kept myself as busy as possible, all day. A great two hour workout at the gym with Page was a huge help in getting me through the day. Errands, house keeping, grocery shopping, reading...you name it. I kept my mind and body busy.  But after dinner, as the hour approached, there was no running from the feelings any longer.  You see, I have always sang Happy Birthday to my boys at the minute they were born, ALWAYS.  Will at 8:02 am, Matthew at 10:12 pm.  So, as 10:00 approached, my heart felt heavier and I felt weaker.  About 10:08 I went in the the garage (a.k.a the man cave).  Chip and Will were out there watching TV.  I crawled in Chip's lap on the couch and just let the tears flow.  They were both patient and understanding, knowing how special my tradition with my boys is to me.  

After "the moment" had passed, I took my tired, sad, little self upstairs to my comfy bed. Beside my bed are pictures of me with each of my boys, just minutes after they were born.  As I looked at this picture of Matthew, I could almost feel the emotions, joy and completeness of that moment. 

Then suddenly, it occurred to me, a thought I had never had before...

In that moment, August 18, 1998, GOD knew...

HE knew of birthdays to come, school plays, lost teeth, soccer, baseball & basketball games.  HE knew of the bond that would form between two brothers. HE knew of every time Matthew would crawl on the couch or in my bed to snuggle with me "just because".  HE knew of sleepovers, practical jokes and mischief.  HE knew of stitches and boo-boos.  HE knew how many times "I love you to the moon and back" would be spoken in our home.  HE knew everything that would fill 11 years, 5 months and 4 days.  HE knew it all. 

And yes, HE knew January 22, 2010 as I held my new baby on August 18, 1998. HE knew...

I began to feel peace and comfort.  The same God that was with me 14 years earlier, had traveled with me the 11 years Matthew was on this earth.  HE has traveled with me every minute since Matthew has left this earth. And HE will travel with me every minute I remain on this earth. The angry, sad, joyous, questioning, lost, confused, dreaming, anticipating...all the moments to come.  

So, tonight, I still feel anger, but the tsunami wave is starting to head out to sea.  There has been laughter and smiles today and for that I am grateful.  I am grateful for 11 years, but it will never be enough. I'm settling back into my place of acceptance and beginning to function in the "new normal" again. 

I hate the waves. I hate the way I feel when they come. I hate the questions they bring. I hate the physical pain and weakness they leave in my body.  

But, I have learned 

• they will come, like it or not
• they will be unexpected from time to time
• there is no controlling how they make me feel
• they are part of the journey
• they will not last forever
• and most importantly, GOD will teach me something about HIS greatness in the storm!

So, until the next wave rolls in, I carry on, remembering...

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Hebrews 13:8