Morning by Morning

I miss my Matthew - every minute of every day. 

But some days are harder than others. 

And sometimes the hard days run together. 

Last week was one of those times. 

Tuesday was Matthew’s birthday and Thursday he should have started his senior year of high school. I tried to prepare myself in advance, but as I have learned all too well throughout this journey, there are some things I just can’t prepare for. Some days are so painful that all I can do is tearfully ride them out. 

And that is okay.

I’ve learned that it is okay that I still sometimes feel days of extreme sadness. I’ve learned that those days will continue to come as long as I am on this side of heaven. I'm thankful that they do not come nearly as often as they used to. And I’ve learned that on those really bad days, God is always, always enough.

Tuesday morning (Matthew’s birthday) I headed to the beach for an early morning run. It was still dark when I got there and I was grateful that no one would be able to see my tears as I ran. However, I quickly discovered that my heart was so heavy that a run was not happening that day. It was literally all I could do just to pick up one foot after another and take small steps. 

So, I stopped trying and just stood still to let God speak to me.

Be still and know that I am God.
Psalm 46:10

The beach is my place. It is where I feel God’s presence like nowhere else. There is just something about the beauty and majesty of the ocean that gets me - every single time.

Tuesday was no exception. As I stood in the water’s edge, crying the tears of a momma’s broken heart, one of the most beautiful sunrises I have ever seen appeared. I thought I needed a good run to meet God that day. He had a very different plan. As I stood frozen and crying, I was reminded of His faithfulness throughout this journey. 

And I was also reminded of another important lesson I have learned along the way...

In the early days of grief, mornings were excruciatingly painful. Every morning I awoke to the reality that Matthew was gone all over again. It took me forever to get moving each and every day. It felt like I was moving in slow motion. It was horrible and I was completely helpless to change it. But during that time, I began to see that as each painful day arrived, God was faithful to meet me and carry me through. As time slowly moved forward, I began to fear the mornings less and less because I knew that no matter how bad the pain, God would get me through – one day at a time. If I looked beyond the present day, it was too much to bare. But as I learned to trust Him to meet me each and every day, healing began.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23

God promises to meet all our needs, and I completely trust in that promise. But even as I continue to grow closer to Him, there are still times that I look for Him to provide more than He has promised. God’s Word is clear that I am not to worry about tomorrow (Matthew 6:34). I am called to rely on Him one day at a time, knowing that He will provide what I need for tomorrow - but only when I get there. 

That’s a lot easier said than done. Right???

I am so guilty!

Even after He has proven His faithfulness time and  time again, I worry about things down the road, which only creates more stress in the present. And when I fret over things beyond today, it is straight up sin!

Watching that beautiful sunrise last Tuesday reminded me of the importance of trusting in Him day by day, sometimes minute by minute. It reminded me of His faithfulness throughout this entire journey – even when I could not feel Him. He has not left me for one single second. The same God who provided a ram for Abraham, gave daily manna in the desert, parted the Red Sea, sent a shepherd to slay a giant, turned water into wine, gave sight to a blind man, healed the man at the well, and SO much more is the same God who loves me and you. And He is the same God that will provide for our every need. 

Every single one of them. 

Morning by morning.

It is hard sometimes to have blind faith in tomorrow and beyond. But isn’t that ultimately what true faith is…believing that He will meet every emotional and physical need - even when we have no idea how He will do it. 

He is with you today and He will be with you tomorrow...

waiting to show His unending love, compassion, and sovereignty.

Don't allow yourself to be overwhelmed by the tomorrow. 

Instead, allow Him to bless you today.

Thank you Lord that your mercies are new every morning. GREAT is Your faithfulness. 

Help me to stay focused on You and trust in You, one day at a time.

An Observation...

In 2013, our family celebrated three big life events:

Will turned 18 in June.

Chip & I celebrated our 20th anniversary in July.

And I turned 40 in September.

One of those life events led me to an observation I'd like to share with you.

But first, some background info...
After Matthew's death, I did not want any pictures of our family taken. In late 2008 our family had begun the journey to adoption.  We received our approval letter in August 2009.  In January 2010 we were eagerly awaiting becoming a family of five.  Then unexpectedly, in one split second, we were a family of three.  I did not want to see any physical documentation of that, so NO photos.  It might sound crazy, but it was just something I couldn't bear to see.  I hated the number three because it represented what we were and what I didn't want to be.

Through the grief and pain, we struggled with what to do with our dream of adopting a child from foster care.  We knew God had led us to adoption, but what were we supposed to do now?!?  Our adoption file was officially placed on hold to give us time to figure it out.  All the while, I could not bear the thought of us being a family of three.

In May of that year, we took a trip for Chip's birthday weekend.  I love birthdays and I love making them special for Chip and my boys.  We went to Atlanta for the weekend.  Thankfully, my brother Alex was living in the area and was able to join us to take some of the sting out of our first family trip without Matthew.  We took in a Braves game and I "allowed" the first picture of us to be taken since Matthew's death.  When I look at it now, I see so much pain, exhaustion, and suffering.  At the time I thought it was a picture of survival.  Little did we know, there was another huge challenge ahead for us.  Seven months after the picture was taken, we ended up with Will in a traumatic, dangerous situation and faced the possibility of losing a second child in less than a year. 

Those of you who know what our family went through during that time know the miracle God performed and how our family was blessed beyond measure.  Out of love and respect for my son, that is all I'm going to share about the experience.

The events of December 2010 were a turning point for us.  In the months after Matthew's death, I watched my family slowly fall apart.  And I begged God over and over again to save it.  The collateral damage from the death of a child is huge and widespread.  Pain and destruction were winning with my family and it was horrible.

But one experience changed it all.

From that point on we began to move forward.  There were and still are set backs, but December 2010 was the definite turning point.  You all know how I believe Romans 8:28 is being lived out in my family, this is just one more example.

In February 2011, we reopened our adoption file. 

Our adoption story is painful and hard for me to talk about.  We wanted it desperately.  And it failed.  We did have a child placed with us in the summer of 2011.  She was removed from our home a month later.  The thing we feared the most happened.  And we were done!

I don't know why our adoption process was so hard.  I don't know why it didn't work.  I don't know if we stepped outside of God's will somewhere along the way.  I don't know if Matthew's death changed it.  I just don't know.

What I do know is this.  Having a child placed with us for just one month and removed changed us.  Again, Romans 8:28.  After she left, we knew we could be a family of three and be just fine.  Suddenly the number three didn't hurt so much after all.

So even though our adoption attempt failed, God used it for good.  He used it to teach us that we were okay.  And that was a HUGE lesson for this momma.

And I still pray for the child that we lost.  I pray she has received the help she needed.  I pray she has found a family that can love her the way she deserves to be loved.  I pray the broken DSS system has somehow worked for this child.

So after the summer of 2011, we knew we would be a family of three.

And it is okay.

Now, onto my observation...
For Will's birthday in June, we had a small family party.  And because I love to have pictures taken of my family again, of course there is a picture of the three of us. 

There is a huge difference between 2010 and 2013.
Comparing these two photos, I see God.

I see HIS goodness, mercy and grace.

I see HIS healing.

I see HIS love.

I see a family restored.

And I am thankful beyond measure.

May 2010

June 2013

I love the two men in my life beyond what I can describe.  I thank God everyday for them.  I thank God everyday for restoring us.

And I thank God that one day, we will be reunited as a family of four...

For ETERNITY !

I'm Back...

Well…

It has been a while!

I have been b.u.s.y.!!!

Remember a few months ago when I wrote about time?!?!??? 

(and being too busy)

Turns out, God had me study and prepare that lesson for myself! 

(Gotta love it when HE does something like that!)

So yes, I have been very, very busy.  

And God has been very busy in my life too.

As many of you know, I went back to school in January.  I am working to finish my undergraduate degree through Liberty University online.  AND…I LOVE it!!!  Don’t get me wrong.  Going back to college after a 20+ year break is hard. Really, really hard.  But I am enjoying the challenge.  I have wanted to finish my degree for such a long time.  Realistically it seemed impossible and I never even researched the possibility.  It was just a dream and I thought it would never be anything more.  But while sitting at a Women of Faith event last November, I felt God leading me to visit the Liberty University booth.  I walked to that booth with no plan, but I knew God was leading me.  By January, the financial aid was in place and I began classes.  So here I am…working towards a degree in Psychology for Christian Counseling.  And it’s definitely a God-thing!!!

Another major change for our family…

Last winter, shortly after starting classes, Chip and I felt God leading us to another unexpected change.   Several times, we had talked about and dreamed about me being able to work for the Matthew Bellamy Project full time.  Like going back to school, it seemed like a distant dream.  But during our prayer time, we began to feel God leading us to do just that.  So we continued to pray, and pray, and pray some more about it.  By the time spring rolled around, we were certain it was the next step for our family.  So, at the end of August, I left my job (that I love) and began to work for the Matthew Project (which I also love!) full time.  Another God-thing!!!

We are truly walking by faith right now!

I am asking for your prayers (again!).  Chip and I are trying so hard to follow where God leads and the devil continues to challenge us.  But my God is bigger than any obstacle or scheme the evil one can fathom.  I trust in HIM.

I also turned forty last week.

My thirty-something years were rough, so I’m looking forward to a new decade in my life.  

Thank you for continuing to love and care for my family.

So many of you have become the literal hands and feet of God to us and we love you!!!

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

~Philippians 3:14

Butterflies, a Birthday & the Beach

Since Matthew's death, butterflies have special meaning to me. Whenever I see one, it reminds of of eternal life:

A caterpillar is wrapped up in a cocoon and emerges as a beautiful butterfly, free to fly!

As Christians, we are buried in the grave at death, 

but arise to new life in heaven, free to fly...FOR ETERNITY!!!
So, anytime I see a butterfly, I think of Matthew. They remind me of the day my family will be complete again. Their beauty and freedom are a symbol of hope for me. They make me smile.

Last week, I saw hundreds of butterflies. They were everywhere I went. Crisscrossing in front of me as I drove, in my yard, in parking lots...everywhere. It was unbelievable...and beautiful!

I also had a birthday last week...The 10th Anniversary of my 29th Birthday!
Okay, I turned 39, whatever!!!  

It was a great day. Lots of  "Happy Birthday" wishes, my favorite Mexican food for dinner, three cakes and homemade cookies.  (Good thing I like to exercise!!!)  With all the butterflies I've been seeing, I can't help but think they were a little birthday gift from God. It made me feel like Matthew was a part of my special day. Thank you Lord for that special blessing!!!

To complete Birthday Week, I decided to take a day off Friday.  It's been a really long summer at my office.  Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but it has definitely challenged me the past few months. I've put a lot of things on hold here at home and with the Matthew Project.  I've also had to learn to say the dreaded "n" word...NO.  For the first time since high school, I was unable to be a part of Vacation Bible School at our church. (that was a really tough one for me!)

God has literally been putting scripture about rest and being still in front of my face.  It's hard to deny what HE wants me to do when that happens. There's no denying that I'm tired and need rest.  Plus, we have several events coming up with the Matthew Project and that's always physically and emotionally draining. So I took a day Friday to rest and spend some quality time with God.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, 

for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Matthew 11:28-29

I definitely found some rest for my weary soul Friday.  

My weekdays usually start with this (for a good 3 or 4 miles):

 

followed by this:

My Friday started with this:

and then this:

The beach after Labor Day is sooooooo peaceful. The weather was perfect and there was no one near me. I was able to read, pray and relax.  It was definitely needed. And as I was almost ready to leave, a beautiful butterfly flew by me, returned to fly around my head a few times and nearly landed on my knee.  Isn't GOD amazing!!!

I listened to what HE was telling me to do by taking a true day of rest. No laundry, no errands, no work of any kind. Those of you who know me know that was a challenge for me. Yet I did it and enjoyed it. And God met me on the beach. We had quality time together. And then, just because HE's God and HE he can, HE sent me a little gift.  A tiny butterfly that many may not have even noticed meant more to me than words can describe. 

So today, I was back on the treadmill bright and early. I was back at my (over piled) desk. Back to mommy and wife things. Back to planning gun safety events.  But for one day, I rested and until I can do it again, I am thankful for that. I am thankful for a job that keeps me busy, yet allows me to run the Matthew Project. I am grateful for a husband and son who have lots of dirty clothes for me to wash. I am grateful for errands to run and grocery shopping to do and for a house to clean. I am grateful for the life God has given me, even though it is not the life I imagined. I know that as long as I am still on this earth, HE has something for me to do.

And, I am grateful for butterflies and the happy thoughts they bring when they come...

For I have given rest to the weary and joy to the sorrowing.

Jeremiah 31:25

Fourteen was oh so hard...

The first counselor I met with after Matthew's death described grief as coming in waves.  Sometimes they're small, almost unnoticeable. At other times, they are larger, almost engulfing. For the last six days, I've been in a tsunami of a wave. Matthew's birthday is August 18th, and as it approached last week, I felt as if I were drowning.  I was so consumed one day, I had to send out a "prayer SOS" to some of my friends. (and by the way, I felt each of your prayers!)

This was our third birthday without him. I don't know why it was harder, but it was. Chip and I both felt it.  As it approached, I didn't feel grateful for 11 perfect birthdays - I wanted more!!! I wanted 12, 13, 14 and the ones still to come.  

I'm a mom and I AM allowed to feel this way sometimes.  I am definitely in a "mad" stage of grief right now.

Saturday, Matthew's birthday, I woke up in tears. This has been the case for the two years before as well, so no surprise there.  I kept myself as busy as possible, all day. A great two hour workout at the gym with Page was a huge help in getting me through the day. Errands, house keeping, grocery shopping, reading...you name it. I kept my mind and body busy.  But after dinner, as the hour approached, there was no running from the feelings any longer.  You see, I have always sang Happy Birthday to my boys at the minute they were born, ALWAYS.  Will at 8:02 am, Matthew at 10:12 pm.  So, as 10:00 approached, my heart felt heavier and I felt weaker.  About 10:08 I went in the the garage (a.k.a the man cave).  Chip and Will were out there watching TV.  I crawled in Chip's lap on the couch and just let the tears flow.  They were both patient and understanding, knowing how special my tradition with my boys is to me.  

After "the moment" had passed, I took my tired, sad, little self upstairs to my comfy bed. Beside my bed are pictures of me with each of my boys, just minutes after they were born.  As I looked at this picture of Matthew, I could almost feel the emotions, joy and completeness of that moment. 

Then suddenly, it occurred to me, a thought I had never had before...

In that moment, August 18, 1998, GOD knew...

HE knew of birthdays to come, school plays, lost teeth, soccer, baseball & basketball games.  HE knew of the bond that would form between two brothers. HE knew of every time Matthew would crawl on the couch or in my bed to snuggle with me "just because".  HE knew of sleepovers, practical jokes and mischief.  HE knew of stitches and boo-boos.  HE knew how many times "I love you to the moon and back" would be spoken in our home.  HE knew everything that would fill 11 years, 5 months and 4 days.  HE knew it all. 

And yes, HE knew January 22, 2010 as I held my new baby on August 18, 1998. HE knew...

I began to feel peace and comfort.  The same God that was with me 14 years earlier, had traveled with me the 11 years Matthew was on this earth.  HE has traveled with me every minute since Matthew has left this earth. And HE will travel with me every minute I remain on this earth. The angry, sad, joyous, questioning, lost, confused, dreaming, anticipating...all the moments to come.  

So, tonight, I still feel anger, but the tsunami wave is starting to head out to sea.  There has been laughter and smiles today and for that I am grateful.  I am grateful for 11 years, but it will never be enough. I'm settling back into my place of acceptance and beginning to function in the "new normal" again. 

I hate the waves. I hate the way I feel when they come. I hate the questions they bring. I hate the physical pain and weakness they leave in my body.  

But, I have learned 

• they will come, like it or not
• they will be unexpected from time to time
• there is no controlling how they make me feel
• they are part of the journey
• they will not last forever
• and most importantly, GOD will teach me something about HIS greatness in the storm!

So, until the next wave rolls in, I carry on, remembering...

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Hebrews 13:8