Another Anniversary...

He had a sweet spirit, a big heart, and a ginormous smile.
He was curious and asked questions. A lot of questions.
He was never quiet.
And if he was...something was up.
Like seriously, go check it out NOW.
He was busy. All. The. Time.
School was not his favorite, but seeing his friends everyday was.
Soccer was his thing. And he was good at it.

If he was outside, he was happy.
If he was dirty, he was happy.
If he was with his brother, he was happy.
And when those things were all in combination together,
his world was absolutely perfect.

He played hard and loved big.
He made the world a better place.
And I miss every single thing about him.


I constantly wonder what he'd look like today.
How tall would he be?
What would his voice sound like now?
Would he have gone to college next fall? Where?
Would he have joined the military? Which branch?
Or maybe a technical school? For what?
This list could go on and on.
I'll never stop wondering who he'd be today. Or tomorrow. Or next month.
And on and on it goes...

I'll never stop loving him.
I'll never stop missing him.
I'll never stop grieving him.
I'll never stop wondering why and this will never be "okay".

But in spite of it all, I know that God is God and I am not. Period.
If I've learned nothing else in the last six years, I've learned that He is enough.
I still trust Him.
I still seek Him.
I still long for Him.
In fact, even more so than before.

I run to Him, and cry to Him, and yell at Him, and ask Him why.
And then praise Him, and thank Him, and trust Him all over again.
It's the cycle of a mother's grief.
And that is okay.

And because I know that one precious, glorious day I will see that sweet face again,
Because of eternity...
I can face today, this day that I hate more than any other.
This day when a piece of my heart left this earth and my family was forever changed.
And I can face tomorrow, and next week, and next year.
Because of Christ, and only because of Him...
I. Can. Do. This.

Thank You Jesus.
Thank You for the cross.
Thank You for eternity.
Thank You for peace for today and hope for tomorrow.
Thank You for choosing me to be his mommy.
Thank You for Matthew.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.  ~Psalm 23:4-6

Sometimes, Dreams Do Come True

Over the last few years I have had to let go of several hopes and dreams in my life. Most of those have related to my children...

Matthew's death, Will's struggles and choices as a result of Matthew's death, and a failed adoption have all resulted in a broken heart, broken dreams, and a struggle for hope. With each lost dream, a little piece of me died. At times, it has been a real struggle to keep going. I've battled through depression and had to dig deep into my faith for strength over and over again.

But through it all, God has been unwavering. HE has been faithful. HE has never left my side. Even when I have questioned HIM and wondered where HE is, I have known deep in my heart that HE was with me.

Right now, I am in a struggle to trust in HIS timing. I want HIM to answer some things for me - right now! 

But HE is not answering me in my time (Can you hear my giant sigh???).

I trust that HE will answer me though...in HIS time.

And in today's mail, I received a reminder of why I must trust in HIS timing.

Just before the start of my Junior year at Columbia College, in the summer of 1992, my parents and I made the decision that it was best for our family if I did not return to school at that time. It was not a decision that came easily. I love school (yes, I'm a nerd like that) and I had worked really, really hard during my first two years in college. But we all knew that due finances and some things going on in our family, I needed to be home. So I tearfully called my beloved roommate and told her I would not be back. 

I never looked back. I worked in the family business until it eventually closed, I married my high-school sweetheart (whom I still adore!) and we began a family of our own. I've never regretted my decision and I've never called it a mistake.

But deep in my heart there was always a longing to finish my degree. 

Chip and I discussed it several times over the years, but the time never seemed "right". As our boys grew older, I knew that my dream of being a college graduate would likely never come true. With two children to put through college, I thought it was completely foolish and selfish for me to even consider the idea.

And then came January 22, 2010.

Matthew died.

And everything changed.

There was only one child to put through college.

But as time painfully passed by and our son Will began to make some poor choices, Chip and I simply prayed for him to finish high school. It became obvious to both of us that he would not be attending college right now. There were just too many issues.

So then, there were no children to put through college.

At that point, it had been many years since I had even thought of going back to school. I hadn't necessarily forgotten my dream, it just was buried under a lot of other issues and baggage.

But God had not forgotten my dream, not for one tiny second. 

In the fall of 2012, 20 years after leaving Columbia College, I was sitting at a Women of Faith conference in Charlotte, NC with some of my closest friends. Liberty University just happened to have a booth in the vendor area. While sitting in an arena filled with thousands of women, I heard the gentle voice of God tell me to "Go". HE quietly led me to that Liberty University booth on the concourse - and revived a dream I had let go of many years earlier. Two days later I had my first conversation with the admissions office and just like that...a dream I had long ago tucked away had new life.

GO GOD!

I began online classes through Liberty in January 2013. I've worked straight through with no summer breaks. Most of my semesters were full time course loads - with 12 hours of classes. I've cried more tears of frustration and wanted to quit more times than I care to admit. But with the help of God and the never ending encouragement of my husband...

I DID IT!!!

Yep, that's me. Twenty years after I originally planned...I am a college graduate!!!

And you want to know what else God did just to show off a little???

Not only did HE lead me to an amazing university and give me the perserverance to get through, look at what's on the bottom of that glorious diploma:

Do you see those words "Summa Cum Laude"???

Not only did God get me through, HE helped me do it "with highest honors"! 

And trust me - me graduating with honors is nothing but God alone!

So, for today I am going to enjoy this. I am going to celebrate my accomplishment. I have worked harder at this than just about anything else in my life. And I've done it under some extremely stressful and challenging conditions. I have no idea what God plans to do with this degree, but I know HE has a plan. HE has been in this since day one. My prayer throughout my second college journey is that HE would be glorified. And I continue to pray that whatever is next, HE will be glorified.

Today, I received my long awaited diploma in the mail.

Today, I am celebrating.

And today, I say "Go me!"

And while I'm waiting for HIM to answer some of my current prayers, I hope this will continue to remind me to trust in HIS timing. 

HE just answered a prayer and a dream that laid dormant in my heart for 20 long years - through countless changes that included both amazing mountain top experiences and unthinkable heartbreak. 

But as my life changed through those 20 years, HE did not: 

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
~Hebrews 13:8

I serve a mighty, mighty God and there is nothing HE cannot do.
I just have to remember to trust in HIS perfect timing.

Five Long Years...

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.  ~Revelation 21:4

Today I have lived five years on this earth without my youngest son.

Five long, exhausting, and heartbreaking years with a piece of my heart missing.

One thousand eight hundred and twenty six days.

And that is exactly one thousand eight hundred and twenty six days too many.

January 22, 2010...the day that everything changed.

The day that life as I knew it ended.

The day that left a wound deep inside my soul and scars buried within my heart.

I’ve read many books regarding the death of a child since losing Matthew. I’ve been through a few rounds of counseling and studied grief extensively while completing my own counseling degree. I’ve read the book of Job, studied the Psalms, and prayed for understanding more hours than I can count.

And it still doesn’t make sense to me.

It still seems completely unfair.

I still miss him more every day. 

Matthew was what made our family complete. 

Life without him will never feel right.

I truly believe the promise found in Romans 8:28. I truly believe that God works all things for good for those who love HIM. I see the good HE is bringing from Matthew’s death. But if I’m totally honest, I would trade it all in a heartbeat to have my son back. I miss my son. And sometimes the pain and longing is still so much it completely overwhelms me. 

We’ve celebrated five of everything without him – five Easters, Mother’s Days, Father’s Days, Fourth of Julys, Thanksgivings, Christmases, and New Years. We’ve marked his birthday five times without him. School years have started and ended five times without him. I’ve watched many of his friends turn 16, get their driver’s license, and get their class rings…all things Matthew should doing.

And it all keeps getting harder.

The last five years have been a roller coaster of emotions. We get stronger day by day and there have been some good moments, but there have been a lot of really, really hard moments. By nothing other than the grace of God, we have made it this far. Today I celebrate the fact that I am still standing, and I know it is only because of God's faithfulness to never leave or forsake me. Chip and I have grown closer to God - day by day, sometimes minute by minute as we walk through this journey. And, we have grown closer to each other as a result of drawing closer to HIM. It's all an amazingly beautiful mess. 

Through the good, the bad, and the really really ugly of the last five years - there are a few things I have learned to be true and constant:

God is God and I am not.

God is good.

God is all knowing, all powerful, and HE is in complete control.

Matthew’s life was important. 

Matthew left a lasting legacy.

And even though we are way out of our comfort zone, The Matthew Bellamy Project is our calling. 

The work we are doing in Matthew's memory does matter. I believe that with all I am. And today, as we remember our son on the fifth anniversary of his death, I beg of you to remember a few things: 

PLEASE to not become complacent. 

PLEASE do not take gun safety for granted in your own home – with your own children. 

DON’T assume it can’t or won't happen again. 

It only takes one mistake, one second, for a family to be torn apart. 
Help me honor my son’s life and memory by protecting your child from unsecured guns. I’ve worked with many, many kids over the past few years in a variety of settings. One thing that has become crystal clear to me is that kids know where the guns in their homes are. You may think they are hidden and your kids don’t know where they are but trust me, they do! I realize that some of the stories kids tell me are just that, “stories”. But not all of them are. Many of these kids do know without a doubt where guns are "hidden" in their homes. 

So today, on the fifth anniversary of my son’s death, I’m asking gun owners to stop and evaluate how guns are stored in your home. Evaluate what your kids know and what they may need to know. 

And to those who do not have guns in your home, your kids still need to be educated. National statistics show that at least 1/3 of all homes in our country have at least one gun in it. I believe that number is much higher here in the south. Even if they are not in your home, your child will end up in a home that has guns. Period.
Will he or she know what to do if they find one? 

Do you ask about unsecured firearms before your child goes somewhere? You should. It is your right to know. Remember, our family owns guns - which have always been locked in a safe that our children cannot access. Our son died because someone else did not take the same precautions we do. Ask.

Finally, I want to remind you to appreciate what you have – every single day. It is so easy to get lost in the busyness of life and lose sight of what really matters. 

I’d give anything to see my son again, to hear his voice, to feel his arms wrapped around me, to be able to stand over his bed and watch him sleep at night...the list could go on and on.

Do not take one single day for granted mommas. 
Not one single day.     

You will never have this day with your child again – make the most of it!

It has been a hard five years. And I know we likely have many, many more to go before we are reunited with our Matthew. I know I'll never understand any of on this on this side of Heaven. I just want to faithfully accept it and follow HIS leading. I want to be a faithful steward of our story. I want to honor God and I want to honor Matthew's memory. I pray I get this right.

Thank you for once again allowing me to share from my broken momma's heart. Sometimes it still feels a little unreal that this is our story.
But it is the path God has chosen for us -
So onward I will go.
~Mylissa

Matthew Kenneth Bellamy
August 18, 1998 - January 22, 2010

Thank you for coming into our world and making it a better place my sweet Matthew.
I'm eternally grateful that God chose me to be your mommy.

I miss you more than words can say.

I know that one day we will all be together again - and that promise is what keeps me going.

I love you to the moon and back.

~Mommy

Remembering My Nana

Yesterday we said our earthly goodbyes to my Nana, my last living grandparent.  She had been sick for many months.  It is a relief that she is no longer suffering, but I will miss her.  Some of the things I will always remember about her include:

• She was the living example of The Great Commandment to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind" (Matthew 22:37).
• She believed the Bible was HIS Word and THE Word and she knew it better than anyone else I know.
• She made the best fried cornbread on the planet.  Period.  End of discussion.
• Her sausage gravy was pretty darn good too.
• She and my Papa nicknamed me "Sunshine" and she sang "You Are My Sunshine" to me, way off key, and it was absolutely beautiful.
• She only wore dresses and could rock a moo-moo.  Seriously, I cannot ever remember seeing her wear a pair of pants.
• God gave her the gift of encouragement, and she was a remarkable steward of her gift.
• She would say "Be nice!" when she knew I was about to say something that maybe I shouldn't. (I usually said it anyway)
• She loved, loved, loved my Papa!
• I learned more about faith from her than anyone else and I'm just starting to realize the full impact of those lessons. 

Papa was a pastor and when my brother Chris and I were children, they were serving in New Hampshire.  Each summer, mom and dad would fly Chris and I up there to spend a few weeks with them.  Those visits were some of the greatest times of my childhood.  They were also when Nana began to plant seeds of God's love and faithfulness in my life that are still multiplying today.  

My Nana seriously served God like no one else I have ever known and she took the job of sharing her faith with those she loved very seriously.  During those summer visits, she not only had us in church every time the doors were open, she read Bible stories to us, played Bible story games with us, sang them to us...basically fed us The Word anyway she could.  I was a teenager when I accepted Christ as my savior.  Her years of pouring into my life played a part in that decision.

Not only did she serve God well, she trusted HIM completely.  She truly trusted HIM in all things.  I never really realized how that impacted me until recently.  I fully believe that her example has played a huge part in me being able to trust in God and HIS sovereignty since Matthew's death.  She didn't just talk that talk, she walked the walk.  Because of her, I know I don't have to understand HIS plan, I just have to trust it.

Over the years she has given me several Bibles and Bible study books.  Saturday morning I spent some time looking through them.  Each and every one of them has a personal note from her and scripture references marked in them.  As a read through the scriptures she had marked for me many years before, I knew she was still leading me and teaching me.  She will always be a part of my walk with Christ.  Always.

I'm sure many of my family members have ways in which Nana's faith impacted their lives.  And there are no doubt countless others who are not family that have been impacted by her faith.  So, on Thursday afternoon, when my Nana breathed her last breath on earth and then open her eyes in Heaven, I have no doubt that she heard "Well done good and faithful servant" (Matthew 25:21).  She is now worshiping the Lord and receiving the reward she so richly deserves.

 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven.
~Matthew 5:12 (NIV)

 But this little 'Sunshine' is going to miss her Nana.
~Mylissa

Goodbye for now my sweet Nana.  I love you! ~Sunshine

Somebody Lied to Me!

"God won't give you more than you can handle".

Have you ever heard that phrase?
I have...many times.
But my life certainly feels like more than I can handle!

So decided to spend a little time searching to see if there was any Biblical basis for that saying.  You know what???  I couldn't find it!

In 1 Corinthians, the Bible says God will not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear, but it doesn't say anything about not giving us more than we can handle.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind.  And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

~1 Corinthians 10:13

What a relief!!!
Because my life certainly feels like more than I can handle!!! I've been living a Job-like life for almost five years now. The first devastating, put-you-on-your-knees event actually occurred in September 2009 - 4 months before Matthew's death.

And the hits just keep on coming!
I've shared most of our struggles publicly, but some are only known by those closest to us.  The highlights include Matthew's death, Will's struggles, a fight (knock-down-drag-out) to save our marriage, and a failed adoption.  And right now, we're facing two major challenges. One involves Will and the other is deeply personal as well as hurtful to Chip and me.  This is all WAY more than I can bear!  This is straight up spiritual warfare and I'm tired from it.  My family continues to be attacked.  There are many days when I feel like I cannot go on for one more second.  Life just feels too hard!
Can you relate???
Can I get an AMEN?!?!?

But you know what?  God has and is using every one of these things.
Every single one of them.

When I do not have the strength, I have learned to rely on HIS strength.
When I cannot take one more step, I have learned to let HIM carry me.
These lessons have not come easy and I am still learning so many things. Complete surrender is so very hard and I don't know if I'll ever truly get there.  It is a process that will last the rest of my life. 

I've experienced some really dark moments.  I have found myself on my knees (and sometimes on my face) crying out to God to please take it all way.  I've asked "why" more times than I can count.  I've been frustrated with God and I've been truly mad at HIM.  My struggles have been really, really ugly sometimes.

But HE is growing me through all this mess.
And this growth would not be possible without the mess. 

And I think God wants it to be more than I can bear.  HE wants me to completely depend on HIM.  HE wants me to rely fully on HIS strength, not my own.  HE wants to carry me through this.  God never intended for me to do this alone.  Not for one single second.

And I am so incredibly grateful.

My life is more than I can bear.
And, God is so much bigger than all of it.
ALL OF IT.

God. Is. Enough.

Thank you Lord for your unending grace and compassion.
Thank you that your love never fails!

So yes, somebody lied.  
I believe God will give you more than you can handle.  
Then HE will meet you there -
to love you
to grow you
to use you for HIS glory.

It's ugly yet beautiful and it is terrifyingly glorious.

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

~Psalm 55:22

 

How Many Times???

That is the question I am asking God right now.
How many times do I have to give up my dreams?
How many times do I have to dig deep?
How many times do I have to force myself to get out of bed everyday?
How many times do I have to choose hope when it would be so easier to just give up?

How many times???

And the truth is, I have no idea...

Once again, we are in the fire, facing a battle.
And once again, I DO NOT want to do this.

I'm tired of the being in the fire.
I'm tired of battles.
I'm tired of heartache.
I''m tired of having hopes and dreams only to have them come crashing down around me.

I could go on and on about what "I'm tired of..."

And there's no end in sight.

So what am I supposed to do?

I'm going to be honest, this battle is one of the toughest yet.

I have buried a child.
A child I loved and adored.
A child wanted to see grow up.
A child I wanted to send to proms and watch graduate from high school.
A child I wanted to see become a man and have a family of his own.

And I have another child.
And I love and adore him too.
And I had the same dreams for him.
I've already had to give up on some of those dreams and the rest of them are now in jeopardy.

And I hate it.
And I am really mad.
And my heart is broken.

So what am I supposed to do???

I don't know.

Here's what I do know...

GOD IS STILL GOD!
He is still on His throne.
He is still in control.

Right now, my life feels completely out of control.
But I know He is here.
Even in this, He is here.

Don't get me wrong, He and I have had some serious conversations lately.
I've said some things that I've later had to apologize for.
I've questioned Him.
I've asked why.
I've asked when is it enough.
And I've asked, HOW MANY TIMES???

And I still don't have any of those answers.

But, I'm going to keep doing what I've done for the last four years.
I'm going to get up everyday (whether I want to or not).
I'm going to put one foot in front of the other.
I'm going to keep saying "I trust you Lord" (even when I can only whisper it).
I'm going to keep reading His word.
And I'm going to praying to Him.

I don't know how many times.
I don't know how many dreams I'll have to give up.
I don't know how much heartache there will be.
I don't know how this situation will end.
And I don't know what will happen next.

I will continue to believe in Proverbs 3:5:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding

It's all I know to do.

In a moment of despair, God brought this word to me from Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I trust Him and I believe Him.
Even when I don't know

HOW MANY TIMES???