An Observation...

In 2013, our family celebrated three big life events:

Will turned 18 in June.

Chip & I celebrated our 20th anniversary in July.

And I turned 40 in September.

One of those life events led me to an observation I'd like to share with you.

But first, some background info...
After Matthew's death, I did not want any pictures of our family taken. In late 2008 our family had begun the journey to adoption.  We received our approval letter in August 2009.  In January 2010 we were eagerly awaiting becoming a family of five.  Then unexpectedly, in one split second, we were a family of three.  I did not want to see any physical documentation of that, so NO photos.  It might sound crazy, but it was just something I couldn't bear to see.  I hated the number three because it represented what we were and what I didn't want to be.

Through the grief and pain, we struggled with what to do with our dream of adopting a child from foster care.  We knew God had led us to adoption, but what were we supposed to do now?!?  Our adoption file was officially placed on hold to give us time to figure it out.  All the while, I could not bear the thought of us being a family of three.

In May of that year, we took a trip for Chip's birthday weekend.  I love birthdays and I love making them special for Chip and my boys.  We went to Atlanta for the weekend.  Thankfully, my brother Alex was living in the area and was able to join us to take some of the sting out of our first family trip without Matthew.  We took in a Braves game and I "allowed" the first picture of us to be taken since Matthew's death.  When I look at it now, I see so much pain, exhaustion, and suffering.  At the time I thought it was a picture of survival.  Little did we know, there was another huge challenge ahead for us.  Seven months after the picture was taken, we ended up with Will in a traumatic, dangerous situation and faced the possibility of losing a second child in less than a year. 

Those of you who know what our family went through during that time know the miracle God performed and how our family was blessed beyond measure.  Out of love and respect for my son, that is all I'm going to share about the experience.

The events of December 2010 were a turning point for us.  In the months after Matthew's death, I watched my family slowly fall apart.  And I begged God over and over again to save it.  The collateral damage from the death of a child is huge and widespread.  Pain and destruction were winning with my family and it was horrible.

But one experience changed it all.

From that point on we began to move forward.  There were and still are set backs, but December 2010 was the definite turning point.  You all know how I believe Romans 8:28 is being lived out in my family, this is just one more example.

In February 2011, we reopened our adoption file. 

Our adoption story is painful and hard for me to talk about.  We wanted it desperately.  And it failed.  We did have a child placed with us in the summer of 2011.  She was removed from our home a month later.  The thing we feared the most happened.  And we were done!

I don't know why our adoption process was so hard.  I don't know why it didn't work.  I don't know if we stepped outside of God's will somewhere along the way.  I don't know if Matthew's death changed it.  I just don't know.

What I do know is this.  Having a child placed with us for just one month and removed changed us.  Again, Romans 8:28.  After she left, we knew we could be a family of three and be just fine.  Suddenly the number three didn't hurt so much after all.

So even though our adoption attempt failed, God used it for good.  He used it to teach us that we were okay.  And that was a HUGE lesson for this momma.

And I still pray for the child that we lost.  I pray she has received the help she needed.  I pray she has found a family that can love her the way she deserves to be loved.  I pray the broken DSS system has somehow worked for this child.

So after the summer of 2011, we knew we would be a family of three.

And it is okay.

Now, onto my observation...
For Will's birthday in June, we had a small family party.  And because I love to have pictures taken of my family again, of course there is a picture of the three of us. 

There is a huge difference between 2010 and 2013.
Comparing these two photos, I see God.

I see HIS goodness, mercy and grace.

I see HIS healing.

I see HIS love.

I see a family restored.

And I am thankful beyond measure.

May 2010

June 2013

I love the two men in my life beyond what I can describe.  I thank God everyday for them.  I thank God everyday for restoring us.

And I thank God that one day, we will be reunited as a family of four...

For ETERNITY !

L-O-V-E

  

However, each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself,

 and the wife must respect her husband.

Ephesians 5:33 

Love...

There are countless songs, poems, books, movies and even scriptures on the subject. And this week is the holiday to celebrate it all... 

Valentines Day   

And truth be told, I love Valentines Day. I like having a nice dinner with my hubby. I like him paying special attention to me for the day. I like getting a sappy card. I'm a girlie girl...what can I say???

However, not too long ago, I dreaded the "love" holiday.  There was a point when Chip and I became so consumed with other things, that we lost touch with each other. We lost some of the magic that was "us". Then, Matthew died. And then, Will took a downward spiral. And our marriage became a big hot mess.  

Statistics on marriages that fail after the death of a child are pretty staggering. We were painfully aware of that and did not want to become one of those numbers.  Yet as we grieved for Matthew in very different ways, we grew further and further apart.  We were not able to communicate in a healthy way.  We pulled further and further away from each other until we reached a very dangerous point. We both agreed that we did not want our marriage to end, yet we were clueless what to do to save it. So we decided to give it to God. We both committed to HIM that we wanted to save our marriage, but were powerless to do it. We agreed to "go through motions" and give God a chance to work. 

I was extremely impatient during this time. 

I wanted God to work quickly. 

HE had other plans. 

I wanted my family restored "now". 

HE had other plans.  

So I reached a point where I simply surrendered and said "I love you Lord and I trust you". It was one more area I had to intentionally choose to praise HIM in the storm. Look carefully at what I just said. I to choose to praise God. 

It was not what I wanted.

I wanted God to swoop in and save the day. 

After all, I had already buried a child and had another one going down a dangerous emotional and physical trail. Why wouldn't God hurry up and restore my marriage?!?

I don't know the answer to that "why" (like so many others). What I do know is that God did restore my marriage in HIS time. It has been a long journey. But now I have a beautiful, Godly marriage, that is stronger than ever before. Chip and I have found a love and respect for each other that did not exist before.  It is an amazing gift from God. And without a doubt, another part of HIM rewriting our story for HIS glory.

Some of you may be struggling in your marriage right now.  Marriage is hard. Really hard sometimes!  It takes two people who are willing to work and each give 100%. I am giving God the glory for what HE did in our marriage and asking you to do the same. Without out HIM, we would be another statistic by now.

Everyday stresses take a toll on a marriage. Tragedies happen in every family. So, whatever your story, whatever is straining your relationship with your spouse, I encourage you to give it to God. It is not easy, but HE will do something amazing when you give it all to HIM.

Stay strong.

Stay committed.

Stay resolved to stay together.

Stay patient. God works in HIS time, not ours. But HIS timing is always perfect. 

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

~1 Corinthians 13:13

Grace and My Family

Earlier this year I read The Resolution for Women by Priscilla Shirer. It is based on the movie Courageous.  This book was so powerful to me. I wanted to rush through each chapter and read it as quickly as I could. If I had allowed myself, I think I would have easily finished it in a week. But, I didn't. I forced myself to go slowly. I only read one section a day, then allowed myself to think and meditate on what was said.  I  must confess, this book stepped on my toes so much, I don't know how I was able to lace up my running shoes and keep training for a 1/2 marathon while I was going through it!  I took notes, highlighted, made notes in the margins...all the while discovering new things about myself.

One particular chapter has been stuck in my mind the past few weeks. Over this long weekend, I've taken time to look back at it and review the parts that spoke to my heart. It's the section titled Living With Grace.  It's not referring to wonderful, beautiful, undeserving grace we receive from God. It's referring to the grace we should be extending in our homes. Yes, that's right...the grace we, as women should be extending in our homes, whether married or single.

It's our job to create a place of peace and understanding for those who live with us and all who enter.  Now, let me be the first to admit, this has not been something I have always been good at.  I have lost my cool with my sweet husband and children more times than I could possibly count.  But it is something that God has brought to my attention and together we have been working on it.  Since Matthew's death, certain things just don't matter to me like they used too. I don't sweat the small stuff. So, that alone has made it easier for me to accept the way Chip and Will do things some times.  Don't misunderstand, I still find myself counting backwards from ten from time to time before I respond to them, but it happens much less now than it used to. 

Everyday in our homes, there are issues, disagreements, potential "disasters", displays of weakness or failure.  I'm not talking about real problems that are serious and deserve some emotional attention. I'm talking about the insignificant issues that we turn into Drama 101. Things that in the grand scheme of things really don't matter. So many times, I have been guilty of holding those things over my family's head; keeping them in the back of my mind; not letting something go.  Have you?  It's so easy to do. As women, we are often tired and worn out. We carry much of the workload and burdens of the home. We just want our family to do things our way so that things to according to our plan. Can anyone relate?  However, our husbands and children sometimes have a different agenda from ours.  They sometimes make mistakes.  They sometimes forget things (over & over & over again!). And sometimes, they just act plain stupid! I used to let these things really upset me. And because it upset me, the atmosphere of the entire house changed.

I don't want to be like that anymore. Thankfully, I'm not like that anymore (most of the time).  God and I are still working on it, but I'm learning to respond in a more God like way to my family.  Sometimes I say okay, just because I know it will keep peace in my house. Sometimes I walk away when I really want to scream. Sometimes I laugh to keep from getting upset. Sometimes I do literally count backwards from ten before I open my mouth to speak. Chip has learned to recognize the "counting face" and he thinks it's funny to ask if I started at 10 or 100.

The Resolution, says we are to dispense grace. Grace is defined as favor or kindness expressed to the undeserving.  The undeserving.  That pretty much describes each and everyone of us...the undeserving. So, we are to express favor and kindness to who??? Everyone.

Unfortunately, those we love the most are sometimes, the last ones we show "favor and kindness".  I don't want that to be the case in my house. I want my house to be a place of love, peace and acceptance. I hate that there have been times when my mood changed the entire setting of our home.  I refuse to let the devil use me in that way anymore! I want my husband and son to know they are loved unconditionally. That mistakes are just that, mistakes. I want grace to be so overwhelming in my house that anyone who enters feels it and knows it is present.  This may be a life long process for me, but I am determined to keep working at it. My family deserves it. My family is worth it!

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger

Proverbs 15:1