Another Anniversary...

He had a sweet spirit, a big heart, and a ginormous smile.
He was curious and asked questions. A lot of questions.
He was never quiet.
And if he was...something was up.
Like seriously, go check it out NOW.
He was busy. All. The. Time.
School was not his favorite, but seeing his friends everyday was.
Soccer was his thing. And he was good at it.

If he was outside, he was happy.
If he was dirty, he was happy.
If he was with his brother, he was happy.
And when those things were all in combination together,
his world was absolutely perfect.

He played hard and loved big.
He made the world a better place.
And I miss every single thing about him.


I constantly wonder what he'd look like today.
How tall would he be?
What would his voice sound like now?
Would he have gone to college next fall? Where?
Would he have joined the military? Which branch?
Or maybe a technical school? For what?
This list could go on and on.
I'll never stop wondering who he'd be today. Or tomorrow. Or next month.
And on and on it goes...

I'll never stop loving him.
I'll never stop missing him.
I'll never stop grieving him.
I'll never stop wondering why and this will never be "okay".

But in spite of it all, I know that God is God and I am not. Period.
If I've learned nothing else in the last six years, I've learned that He is enough.
I still trust Him.
I still seek Him.
I still long for Him.
In fact, even more so than before.

I run to Him, and cry to Him, and yell at Him, and ask Him why.
And then praise Him, and thank Him, and trust Him all over again.
It's the cycle of a mother's grief.
And that is okay.

And because I know that one precious, glorious day I will see that sweet face again,
Because of eternity...
I can face today, this day that I hate more than any other.
This day when a piece of my heart left this earth and my family was forever changed.
And I can face tomorrow, and next week, and next year.
Because of Christ, and only because of Him...
I. Can. Do. This.

Thank You Jesus.
Thank You for the cross.
Thank You for eternity.
Thank You for peace for today and hope for tomorrow.
Thank You for choosing me to be his mommy.
Thank You for Matthew.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.  ~Psalm 23:4-6

Morning by Morning

I miss my Matthew - every minute of every day. 

But some days are harder than others. 

And sometimes the hard days run together. 

Last week was one of those times. 

Tuesday was Matthew’s birthday and Thursday he should have started his senior year of high school. I tried to prepare myself in advance, but as I have learned all too well throughout this journey, there are some things I just can’t prepare for. Some days are so painful that all I can do is tearfully ride them out. 

And that is okay.

I’ve learned that it is okay that I still sometimes feel days of extreme sadness. I’ve learned that those days will continue to come as long as I am on this side of heaven. I'm thankful that they do not come nearly as often as they used to. And I’ve learned that on those really bad days, God is always, always enough.

Tuesday morning (Matthew’s birthday) I headed to the beach for an early morning run. It was still dark when I got there and I was grateful that no one would be able to see my tears as I ran. However, I quickly discovered that my heart was so heavy that a run was not happening that day. It was literally all I could do just to pick up one foot after another and take small steps. 

So, I stopped trying and just stood still to let God speak to me.

Be still and know that I am God.
Psalm 46:10

The beach is my place. It is where I feel God’s presence like nowhere else. There is just something about the beauty and majesty of the ocean that gets me - every single time.

Tuesday was no exception. As I stood in the water’s edge, crying the tears of a momma’s broken heart, one of the most beautiful sunrises I have ever seen appeared. I thought I needed a good run to meet God that day. He had a very different plan. As I stood frozen and crying, I was reminded of His faithfulness throughout this journey. 

And I was also reminded of another important lesson I have learned along the way...

In the early days of grief, mornings were excruciatingly painful. Every morning I awoke to the reality that Matthew was gone all over again. It took me forever to get moving each and every day. It felt like I was moving in slow motion. It was horrible and I was completely helpless to change it. But during that time, I began to see that as each painful day arrived, God was faithful to meet me and carry me through. As time slowly moved forward, I began to fear the mornings less and less because I knew that no matter how bad the pain, God would get me through – one day at a time. If I looked beyond the present day, it was too much to bare. But as I learned to trust Him to meet me each and every day, healing began.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23

God promises to meet all our needs, and I completely trust in that promise. But even as I continue to grow closer to Him, there are still times that I look for Him to provide more than He has promised. God’s Word is clear that I am not to worry about tomorrow (Matthew 6:34). I am called to rely on Him one day at a time, knowing that He will provide what I need for tomorrow - but only when I get there. 

That’s a lot easier said than done. Right???

I am so guilty!

Even after He has proven His faithfulness time and  time again, I worry about things down the road, which only creates more stress in the present. And when I fret over things beyond today, it is straight up sin!

Watching that beautiful sunrise last Tuesday reminded me of the importance of trusting in Him day by day, sometimes minute by minute. It reminded me of His faithfulness throughout this entire journey – even when I could not feel Him. He has not left me for one single second. The same God who provided a ram for Abraham, gave daily manna in the desert, parted the Red Sea, sent a shepherd to slay a giant, turned water into wine, gave sight to a blind man, healed the man at the well, and SO much more is the same God who loves me and you. And He is the same God that will provide for our every need. 

Every single one of them. 

Morning by morning.

It is hard sometimes to have blind faith in tomorrow and beyond. But isn’t that ultimately what true faith is…believing that He will meet every emotional and physical need - even when we have no idea how He will do it. 

He is with you today and He will be with you tomorrow...

waiting to show His unending love, compassion, and sovereignty.

Don't allow yourself to be overwhelmed by the tomorrow. 

Instead, allow Him to bless you today.

Thank you Lord that your mercies are new every morning. GREAT is Your faithfulness. 

Help me to stay focused on You and trust in You, one day at a time.

Five Long Years...

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.  ~Revelation 21:4

Today I have lived five years on this earth without my youngest son.

Five long, exhausting, and heartbreaking years with a piece of my heart missing.

One thousand eight hundred and twenty six days.

And that is exactly one thousand eight hundred and twenty six days too many.

January 22, 2010...the day that everything changed.

The day that life as I knew it ended.

The day that left a wound deep inside my soul and scars buried within my heart.

I’ve read many books regarding the death of a child since losing Matthew. I’ve been through a few rounds of counseling and studied grief extensively while completing my own counseling degree. I’ve read the book of Job, studied the Psalms, and prayed for understanding more hours than I can count.

And it still doesn’t make sense to me.

It still seems completely unfair.

I still miss him more every day. 

Matthew was what made our family complete. 

Life without him will never feel right.

I truly believe the promise found in Romans 8:28. I truly believe that God works all things for good for those who love HIM. I see the good HE is bringing from Matthew’s death. But if I’m totally honest, I would trade it all in a heartbeat to have my son back. I miss my son. And sometimes the pain and longing is still so much it completely overwhelms me. 

We’ve celebrated five of everything without him – five Easters, Mother’s Days, Father’s Days, Fourth of Julys, Thanksgivings, Christmases, and New Years. We’ve marked his birthday five times without him. School years have started and ended five times without him. I’ve watched many of his friends turn 16, get their driver’s license, and get their class rings…all things Matthew should doing.

And it all keeps getting harder.

The last five years have been a roller coaster of emotions. We get stronger day by day and there have been some good moments, but there have been a lot of really, really hard moments. By nothing other than the grace of God, we have made it this far. Today I celebrate the fact that I am still standing, and I know it is only because of God's faithfulness to never leave or forsake me. Chip and I have grown closer to God - day by day, sometimes minute by minute as we walk through this journey. And, we have grown closer to each other as a result of drawing closer to HIM. It's all an amazingly beautiful mess. 

Through the good, the bad, and the really really ugly of the last five years - there are a few things I have learned to be true and constant:

God is God and I am not.

God is good.

God is all knowing, all powerful, and HE is in complete control.

Matthew’s life was important. 

Matthew left a lasting legacy.

And even though we are way out of our comfort zone, The Matthew Bellamy Project is our calling. 

The work we are doing in Matthew's memory does matter. I believe that with all I am. And today, as we remember our son on the fifth anniversary of his death, I beg of you to remember a few things: 

PLEASE to not become complacent. 

PLEASE do not take gun safety for granted in your own home – with your own children. 

DON’T assume it can’t or won't happen again. 

It only takes one mistake, one second, for a family to be torn apart. 
Help me honor my son’s life and memory by protecting your child from unsecured guns. I’ve worked with many, many kids over the past few years in a variety of settings. One thing that has become crystal clear to me is that kids know where the guns in their homes are. You may think they are hidden and your kids don’t know where they are but trust me, they do! I realize that some of the stories kids tell me are just that, “stories”. But not all of them are. Many of these kids do know without a doubt where guns are "hidden" in their homes. 

So today, on the fifth anniversary of my son’s death, I’m asking gun owners to stop and evaluate how guns are stored in your home. Evaluate what your kids know and what they may need to know. 

And to those who do not have guns in your home, your kids still need to be educated. National statistics show that at least 1/3 of all homes in our country have at least one gun in it. I believe that number is much higher here in the south. Even if they are not in your home, your child will end up in a home that has guns. Period.
Will he or she know what to do if they find one? 

Do you ask about unsecured firearms before your child goes somewhere? You should. It is your right to know. Remember, our family owns guns - which have always been locked in a safe that our children cannot access. Our son died because someone else did not take the same precautions we do. Ask.

Finally, I want to remind you to appreciate what you have – every single day. It is so easy to get lost in the busyness of life and lose sight of what really matters. 

I’d give anything to see my son again, to hear his voice, to feel his arms wrapped around me, to be able to stand over his bed and watch him sleep at night...the list could go on and on.

Do not take one single day for granted mommas. 
Not one single day.     

You will never have this day with your child again – make the most of it!

It has been a hard five years. And I know we likely have many, many more to go before we are reunited with our Matthew. I know I'll never understand any of on this on this side of Heaven. I just want to faithfully accept it and follow HIS leading. I want to be a faithful steward of our story. I want to honor God and I want to honor Matthew's memory. I pray I get this right.

Thank you for once again allowing me to share from my broken momma's heart. Sometimes it still feels a little unreal that this is our story.
But it is the path God has chosen for us -
So onward I will go.
~Mylissa

Matthew Kenneth Bellamy
August 18, 1998 - January 22, 2010

Thank you for coming into our world and making it a better place my sweet Matthew.
I'm eternally grateful that God chose me to be your mommy.

I miss you more than words can say.

I know that one day we will all be together again - and that promise is what keeps me going.

I love you to the moon and back.

~Mommy

Easter Is THE Reason

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

~John 3:16

As far back as I can remember, Christmas was my favorite holiday.  I loved everything about it.  As a Christian, of course I celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ with great joy and thanksgiving.  But I am not ashamed of the fact that I loved and enjoyed all the other "stuff" that comes with Christmas (hello! Christmas cookies).

But one Friday afternoon four years ago changed all that. 

Holidays are painful without Matthew.  They remind me of what is missing.  Matthew loved holidays and without him, it's just not the same.

However since his death, the magnitude and beauty of Easter has become so powerful for me.  Christmas and the birth of baby Jesus is wonderful, but it's only the beginning of the story.  Jesus' death and resurrection three days later is where my hope comes from.  Easter is the reason I will see Matthew again.

It overwhelms me, completely.  I am in tears just typing these words.  I am so unworthy of the gift God has given, yet I have received.

I know the pain of losing a son.  I did not choose for my son to die.  And if I had been given the choice, I would have screamed "NO!!!!!!!!!!".

Yet God loves you and me so very much that He willingly let His perfect son come to earth, become human, be mocked, tortured and abused and finally murdered - all for us.  And because He loves me that much, I get to see my baby boy again.  I get to feel his sweet arms around my neck.  I get to hear him say "I love you to the moon and back mommy". 

I long for that day.  I can't wait for him to take my hand and show me the beauty and majesty of heaven.  I can't wait...
But I have to wait.

And that is why Easter overwhelms me.  It's almost too much.  The magnitude of God's love is almost more than I can handle.

There are no words that I can ever say to thank God for this gift.  I can never earn it nor do I deserve it.  Yet, He has freely given it to me.

So, as you celebrate Easter, remember that Easter is THE reason.

I know many of you may be going through some tough times.  Our family is in a definite time of testing right now.  I urge you though, whatever struggles you are facing, cling to the fact that Easter is THE reason for HOPE.

It seems dark now, but I know how the story ends...
JESUS WINS!

I pray you have a blessed Easter.  And I pray you find hope not only in the beauty of the cross, but in the power of the empty tomb.

He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay.

~Matthew 28:6

Easter 2001

Happy Easter in heaven Matthew.  

I can't wait until we get to celebrate and praise God together!!!

I love you to the moon and back!

~Mommy

I'm Not Feeling It, But...

Last November I shared with you how hard this time of year is for me.  I miss Matthew terribly during Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It seems as if everything around me reminds me that a piece of my heart is gone forever.

I know November is a time to be thankful and count our blessings, but honestly, most days I'm just not feeling it.

But I am reminded of God’s word:

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

~1 Thessalonians 5:18

So I am choosing to do something different this year. 

I am choosing to be thankful for the many gifts and blessings that have come because of the loss of my son.   

God has provided many things that would not be if Matthew had not died.  So even though I would much rather have my son, I am thankful for what God has provided in Matthew’s absence. 

NEW FRIENDSHIPS: There are some beautiful women in my life who were mere acquaintances four years ago.  These women have become trusted sisters in Christ and trusted prayer warriors for my family.  While some people (even family members) are afraid of my grief, rarely mention Matthew’s name and simply cannot deal with the reality that is my life, these women have jumped in the trenches with me.  They laugh with me on the good days and hold me as I cry on the really hard days.  They are a blessing and have served as the literal hands and feet of God at times. 

THE MATTHEW PROJECT: When Chip and I felt led to start our nonprofit, we truly had no idea what would become of it.  We did not know if there was a need.   We did not know if we would do this for a few weeks, months or years.  I now think I will run this organization for a very long time.  This year, I have seen some amazing things happen through the Matthew Project that could only have been orchestrated by God.  At the end of August, I was able to leave my job and dedicate myself to the project full time.  It is really neat to see the words of Romans 8:28 at work through the Matthew Project.  

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD: The struggles and darkness my family has faced has been indescribable.  The pain has been and is still really hard.  BUT, in facing these things and trusting God with them, I have a relationship with HIM that would not have been possible any other way.  And it is a beautiful relationship.  

LESSONS LEARNED: It is a daily choice to not be consumed.  It is a daily act of submission to HIS will.  It is a daily act of giving it all to HIM.  But I have learned HE is bigger than it ALL! 

SCHOOL: For many years I wanted to finish my degree, but never did anything about it.  It was just a dream.  My struggles have given me COURAGE that I never knew before.  One result of that courage is enrolling in Liberty University Online in January.  Some days, I wonder, “What was I thinking???”, but I am so glad I have taken this step and thankful for God leading me to it.

A VOICE:  God has given me a literal voice.  I pray that God uses our story to impact others for HIM.  I want to honor Matthew’s memory and God.  Early on in this journey, I realized that for that to happen, I had to physically speak and I was terrified.  I prayed for a voice because I knew I could not do it.  God answered and I pray that when I speak, HIS presence is felt.

  

A NEW PERSPECTIVE: Life. Is. Short.

Matthew made a huge impact in eleven short years.  He did so by genuinely caring about others, showing love to them and making the most of every moment.  I want that for my life.  He is my inspiration!

THIS BLOG:  God told me (over and over and over again!) that I was supposed to be writing and sharing with other women.  I told HIM "no" (over and over and over again!).  Obviously, I eventually gave in.  I am still very uncomfortable with this.  But I thank HIM for using our story and my struggles again to help others.  I believe that when we are transparent and share our stories, good and bad, we encourage each other.  Life is hard.  Ladies, we need each other!!!

JOY: Yes, Joy.  I have learned that joy is a choice.  God calls HIS children to live a life of joy.  In the book of James we are even told to count our trials as joy:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,  whenever you face trials of many kinds.

~James 1:2 

 So to me, joy is not about the condition of my circumstances, it’s about the condition of my heart.  It is about the focus of my heart.  And through the loss of my son, I have found the source of true joy.  The world cannot provide anything that even comes close to the joy of Christ.

So yes, I need you prayers right now.  This is an incredibly hard time of the year.  I will miss seeing him play football with his cousins on Thanksgiving Day terribly.  

I will miss my little ball of energy, with his great big smile, bouncing around full of Christmas Spirit. 

   

But I will reflect on these blessings.  And I will praise God.

Thank you for allowing me to share my blessings with you tonight.  My heart was heavy today.  This time of reflection has lightened my load.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your families. Treasure your moments together.  

And I pray that you can give thanks in all circumstances. 

~Mylissa

Humbled and Overwhelmed

I have hesitated to write this post.  I never want to appear as though I am seeking praise for the work we do through the Matthew Project.  It started out as something Chip and I felt we had to do.  We needed to make Matthew’s death matter by trying to save other children.  And, God has blessed our efforts, tremendously.  But the truth still remains, no matter how much good comes from our work, I would rather have my son.  And that my friends, will never change.  I am a mom, and given the choice, I would choose to have my son alive and well. 

But, that is not how God has written my story.  And so, our work continues…

As I said, Chip and I felt we had to start the project.  We needed to tell Matthew’s story, make sure other parents knew the risks, and educate children on firearm safety.  It honestly was a survival mechanism to start with.  We had to make something positive come from losing our child.

And then, it changed.  It became a passion, a mission and a calling.  God was in fact calling us to something far bigger than ourselves.  Bigger than anything we had ever imagined.  And it has taken me way out of my comfort zone!

There is a risk in being open and public about our story.  Guns are a controversial subject.  And even though we are not responsible for Matthew’s death, there are stupid people in the world.

And you canNOT fix stupid.

We met one of those people last weekend.  He was rude to one of the ladies working our booth.  Chip tried to speak to him and explain the heart of our mission.  The man refused to listen…and said something horrible to my husband.  Honestly, I don’t know how Chip didn’t punch the man…it was that bad!  This man made an assumption, assumed we left a gun out that killed our child, and said something way out of line.  Yes, this man has a right to feel however he wants about his rights to have his gun unsecured, but he did not have the right to speak to Chip the way he did.  I saw the hurt on my hubby’s face.  And I saw God give him the self-control to walk away from a situation that could have gotten really ugly.

You may wonder why I’m sharing this.  

I’m doing it so you will understand how important the rest of this post is.

We don’t get to see the rewards of the work we do through the Matthew Project.  We have given away thousands of gun locks, but we don’t know how many of them are actually used.  We don’t have a list of children that have actually not been shot because we gave away a gun lock.  We don’t know how many parents don’t get divorced because their child didn’t die and their family wasn’t destroyed.

We just do our work and pray…

My mom always tells me when we get to Heaven; God will have a list of the children and families we saved.  But that doesn’t help when we encounter folks like “Mr. Rudeness” from last weekend.  He wasn’t the first and he won’t be the last.  It is part of the risk, part of what we endure to share our story.  People are passionate about their guns.  It get that…I am married to one of those people! 

But when someone doesn’t listen to what we are saying, 

when they don’t hear that we are gun safety not control (BIG difference),

when they make assumptions, it can get ugly…FAST.  

But God is so infinitely good and so much bigger than the ugliness and stupidity of this world.

And now, the part of the story I have been hesitant to share…

A few weeks ago, God showed me a small glance of the good that comes from the Matthew Project.  HE gave me a fabulous blessing.

A friend of ours was asked to speak for a group of peers…educators in the Horry County School District.  He chose to speak on being inspirational, and he chose to use our story.  

And I am still humbled and overwhelmed.

I do not do this work for attention.  I am learning to seek opportunities for attention on our message, but never attention for myself.  The whole experience made me slightly uncomfortable.  But, by the time it was over, I saw that God had given me a tremendous gift. 

The beginning of the presentation on being inspirational referred to a book by Andy Andrews called The Butterfly Effect: How Your Life Matters.  The description of the book is as follows:

Did you know that one flutter of a butterfly's wings could change weather patterns---and that the minor choices we make could launch ripple effects into the future? Andrews's compelling story about how one man's choice made over 100 years ago affects today's world will inspire you to do the right thing---even when it's difficult.

It is a beautiful book that reminds readers how important every move they make can be.

And then, it was tied into our family’s story.

                The loss of our beloved Matthew…

                The choices we could have made after his death…

                The way our story could have been written…

                And the choice we made to not be destroyed and defeated.

We chose Faith, Hope and Love…

And it was a choice.

I’ve said it before.  After the death of a child there comes a moment when you confront your faith and decide it is either all true or none of it is true.  You know the choice for my family…

God is real and HE is good!

Now, back to my story…

I was able to attend this presentation on being inspirational.  I was able to hear the ‘Butterfly Effect’ discussed.  I was able to hear uplifting, kind words spoken about my family.  I was able to see my sweet Matthew’s face in the power point and feel peace.  

And then, God spoke to my heart and it was beautiful.

As I was driving home from the presentation, I had the ah-ha moment.  

Chip and I have been so incredibly focused on saving children and families.  We desperately want to spare other parents and siblings the pain and loss our family has experienced.  But this presentation on the ‘Butterfly Effect’ made me think of our work in a whole new way.  We believe we are saving children.  But the effects of what we do go far beyond that.  If we save a child, what will they then go on to do:

                Cure cancer?

                End world hunger?

                Be the next Billy Graham?

                What work will they do for THE Kingdom?

                How many lives do they save? 

                And what do those lives go on to do?

Y’all, I’m literally crying sitting here thinking about this.  

What great things will happen (far beyond what I ever imagined) from the brief eleven year life of Matthew Kenneth Bellamy and the choices made after his death???

Please do not think I am saying any of this out of pride or for attention and praise.  That is the last thing I want and that is why I have hesitated to write this post.  I am writing so that you will see the goodness, the greatness, and the love of God.  He has called my family to an unimaginable task, but HE has not left us alone for one single millisecond.  HE is with us every moment. 

HE was there when

Chip received that horrible phone call

When we buried our baby

When we nearly gave up on our marriage

When we felt the call to start the Matthew Project

When we wonder if any of our work matters

When people are mean and hurtful

When we feel like we just can’t keep doing this

When we are way outside our comfort zone (like writing this post!)

When we miss Matthew until it physically hurts

And HE was there in that room as someone spoke of my family being inspirational.  HE was providing inspiration and encouragement that I desperately needed.  HE was giving me a reward for obedience.  

I know my ultimate reward doesn’t come until I get to Heaven, when I see my Savior and my Matthew.  But I am so incredibly grateful for a humbling, overwhelming experience that gave me just a small glance of the GREAT things God can do through two ordinary, unprepared, everyday people like Chip and Mylissa Bellamy; two grieving, broken parents. 
If HE can use us, HE can use anybody…

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

~Galatians 6:9

What will you do today that will have a 

‘Butterfly Effect’ on tomorrow???