Another Anniversary...

He had a sweet spirit, a big heart, and a ginormous smile.
He was curious and asked questions. A lot of questions.
He was never quiet.
And if he was...something was up.
Like seriously, go check it out NOW.
He was busy. All. The. Time.
School was not his favorite, but seeing his friends everyday was.
Soccer was his thing. And he was good at it.

If he was outside, he was happy.
If he was dirty, he was happy.
If he was with his brother, he was happy.
And when those things were all in combination together,
his world was absolutely perfect.

He played hard and loved big.
He made the world a better place.
And I miss every single thing about him.


I constantly wonder what he'd look like today.
How tall would he be?
What would his voice sound like now?
Would he have gone to college next fall? Where?
Would he have joined the military? Which branch?
Or maybe a technical school? For what?
This list could go on and on.
I'll never stop wondering who he'd be today. Or tomorrow. Or next month.
And on and on it goes...

I'll never stop loving him.
I'll never stop missing him.
I'll never stop grieving him.
I'll never stop wondering why and this will never be "okay".

But in spite of it all, I know that God is God and I am not. Period.
If I've learned nothing else in the last six years, I've learned that He is enough.
I still trust Him.
I still seek Him.
I still long for Him.
In fact, even more so than before.

I run to Him, and cry to Him, and yell at Him, and ask Him why.
And then praise Him, and thank Him, and trust Him all over again.
It's the cycle of a mother's grief.
And that is okay.

And because I know that one precious, glorious day I will see that sweet face again,
Because of eternity...
I can face today, this day that I hate more than any other.
This day when a piece of my heart left this earth and my family was forever changed.
And I can face tomorrow, and next week, and next year.
Because of Christ, and only because of Him...
I. Can. Do. This.

Thank You Jesus.
Thank You for the cross.
Thank You for eternity.
Thank You for peace for today and hope for tomorrow.
Thank You for choosing me to be his mommy.
Thank You for Matthew.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.  ~Psalm 23:4-6

Morning by Morning

I miss my Matthew - every minute of every day. 

But some days are harder than others. 

And sometimes the hard days run together. 

Last week was one of those times. 

Tuesday was Matthew’s birthday and Thursday he should have started his senior year of high school. I tried to prepare myself in advance, but as I have learned all too well throughout this journey, there are some things I just can’t prepare for. Some days are so painful that all I can do is tearfully ride them out. 

And that is okay.

I’ve learned that it is okay that I still sometimes feel days of extreme sadness. I’ve learned that those days will continue to come as long as I am on this side of heaven. I'm thankful that they do not come nearly as often as they used to. And I’ve learned that on those really bad days, God is always, always enough.

Tuesday morning (Matthew’s birthday) I headed to the beach for an early morning run. It was still dark when I got there and I was grateful that no one would be able to see my tears as I ran. However, I quickly discovered that my heart was so heavy that a run was not happening that day. It was literally all I could do just to pick up one foot after another and take small steps. 

So, I stopped trying and just stood still to let God speak to me.

Be still and know that I am God.
Psalm 46:10

The beach is my place. It is where I feel God’s presence like nowhere else. There is just something about the beauty and majesty of the ocean that gets me - every single time.

Tuesday was no exception. As I stood in the water’s edge, crying the tears of a momma’s broken heart, one of the most beautiful sunrises I have ever seen appeared. I thought I needed a good run to meet God that day. He had a very different plan. As I stood frozen and crying, I was reminded of His faithfulness throughout this journey. 

And I was also reminded of another important lesson I have learned along the way...

In the early days of grief, mornings were excruciatingly painful. Every morning I awoke to the reality that Matthew was gone all over again. It took me forever to get moving each and every day. It felt like I was moving in slow motion. It was horrible and I was completely helpless to change it. But during that time, I began to see that as each painful day arrived, God was faithful to meet me and carry me through. As time slowly moved forward, I began to fear the mornings less and less because I knew that no matter how bad the pain, God would get me through – one day at a time. If I looked beyond the present day, it was too much to bare. But as I learned to trust Him to meet me each and every day, healing began.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23

God promises to meet all our needs, and I completely trust in that promise. But even as I continue to grow closer to Him, there are still times that I look for Him to provide more than He has promised. God’s Word is clear that I am not to worry about tomorrow (Matthew 6:34). I am called to rely on Him one day at a time, knowing that He will provide what I need for tomorrow - but only when I get there. 

That’s a lot easier said than done. Right???

I am so guilty!

Even after He has proven His faithfulness time and  time again, I worry about things down the road, which only creates more stress in the present. And when I fret over things beyond today, it is straight up sin!

Watching that beautiful sunrise last Tuesday reminded me of the importance of trusting in Him day by day, sometimes minute by minute. It reminded me of His faithfulness throughout this entire journey – even when I could not feel Him. He has not left me for one single second. The same God who provided a ram for Abraham, gave daily manna in the desert, parted the Red Sea, sent a shepherd to slay a giant, turned water into wine, gave sight to a blind man, healed the man at the well, and SO much more is the same God who loves me and you. And He is the same God that will provide for our every need. 

Every single one of them. 

Morning by morning.

It is hard sometimes to have blind faith in tomorrow and beyond. But isn’t that ultimately what true faith is…believing that He will meet every emotional and physical need - even when we have no idea how He will do it. 

He is with you today and He will be with you tomorrow...

waiting to show His unending love, compassion, and sovereignty.

Don't allow yourself to be overwhelmed by the tomorrow. 

Instead, allow Him to bless you today.

Thank you Lord that your mercies are new every morning. GREAT is Your faithfulness. 

Help me to stay focused on You and trust in You, one day at a time.

Sometimes, Dreams Do Come True

Over the last few years I have had to let go of several hopes and dreams in my life. Most of those have related to my children...

Matthew's death, Will's struggles and choices as a result of Matthew's death, and a failed adoption have all resulted in a broken heart, broken dreams, and a struggle for hope. With each lost dream, a little piece of me died. At times, it has been a real struggle to keep going. I've battled through depression and had to dig deep into my faith for strength over and over again.

But through it all, God has been unwavering. HE has been faithful. HE has never left my side. Even when I have questioned HIM and wondered where HE is, I have known deep in my heart that HE was with me.

Right now, I am in a struggle to trust in HIS timing. I want HIM to answer some things for me - right now! 

But HE is not answering me in my time (Can you hear my giant sigh???).

I trust that HE will answer me though...in HIS time.

And in today's mail, I received a reminder of why I must trust in HIS timing.

Just before the start of my Junior year at Columbia College, in the summer of 1992, my parents and I made the decision that it was best for our family if I did not return to school at that time. It was not a decision that came easily. I love school (yes, I'm a nerd like that) and I had worked really, really hard during my first two years in college. But we all knew that due finances and some things going on in our family, I needed to be home. So I tearfully called my beloved roommate and told her I would not be back. 

I never looked back. I worked in the family business until it eventually closed, I married my high-school sweetheart (whom I still adore!) and we began a family of our own. I've never regretted my decision and I've never called it a mistake.

But deep in my heart there was always a longing to finish my degree. 

Chip and I discussed it several times over the years, but the time never seemed "right". As our boys grew older, I knew that my dream of being a college graduate would likely never come true. With two children to put through college, I thought it was completely foolish and selfish for me to even consider the idea.

And then came January 22, 2010.

Matthew died.

And everything changed.

There was only one child to put through college.

But as time painfully passed by and our son Will began to make some poor choices, Chip and I simply prayed for him to finish high school. It became obvious to both of us that he would not be attending college right now. There were just too many issues.

So then, there were no children to put through college.

At that point, it had been many years since I had even thought of going back to school. I hadn't necessarily forgotten my dream, it just was buried under a lot of other issues and baggage.

But God had not forgotten my dream, not for one tiny second. 

In the fall of 2012, 20 years after leaving Columbia College, I was sitting at a Women of Faith conference in Charlotte, NC with some of my closest friends. Liberty University just happened to have a booth in the vendor area. While sitting in an arena filled with thousands of women, I heard the gentle voice of God tell me to "Go". HE quietly led me to that Liberty University booth on the concourse - and revived a dream I had let go of many years earlier. Two days later I had my first conversation with the admissions office and just like that...a dream I had long ago tucked away had new life.

GO GOD!

I began online classes through Liberty in January 2013. I've worked straight through with no summer breaks. Most of my semesters were full time course loads - with 12 hours of classes. I've cried more tears of frustration and wanted to quit more times than I care to admit. But with the help of God and the never ending encouragement of my husband...

I DID IT!!!

Yep, that's me. Twenty years after I originally planned...I am a college graduate!!!

And you want to know what else God did just to show off a little???

Not only did HE lead me to an amazing university and give me the perserverance to get through, look at what's on the bottom of that glorious diploma:

Do you see those words "Summa Cum Laude"???

Not only did God get me through, HE helped me do it "with highest honors"! 

And trust me - me graduating with honors is nothing but God alone!

So, for today I am going to enjoy this. I am going to celebrate my accomplishment. I have worked harder at this than just about anything else in my life. And I've done it under some extremely stressful and challenging conditions. I have no idea what God plans to do with this degree, but I know HE has a plan. HE has been in this since day one. My prayer throughout my second college journey is that HE would be glorified. And I continue to pray that whatever is next, HE will be glorified.

Today, I received my long awaited diploma in the mail.

Today, I am celebrating.

And today, I say "Go me!"

And while I'm waiting for HIM to answer some of my current prayers, I hope this will continue to remind me to trust in HIS timing. 

HE just answered a prayer and a dream that laid dormant in my heart for 20 long years - through countless changes that included both amazing mountain top experiences and unthinkable heartbreak. 

But as my life changed through those 20 years, HE did not: 

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
~Hebrews 13:8

I serve a mighty, mighty God and there is nothing HE cannot do.
I just have to remember to trust in HIS perfect timing.

Somebody Lied to Me!

"God won't give you more than you can handle".

Have you ever heard that phrase?
I have...many times.
But my life certainly feels like more than I can handle!

So decided to spend a little time searching to see if there was any Biblical basis for that saying.  You know what???  I couldn't find it!

In 1 Corinthians, the Bible says God will not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear, but it doesn't say anything about not giving us more than we can handle.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind.  And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

~1 Corinthians 10:13

What a relief!!!
Because my life certainly feels like more than I can handle!!! I've been living a Job-like life for almost five years now. The first devastating, put-you-on-your-knees event actually occurred in September 2009 - 4 months before Matthew's death.

And the hits just keep on coming!
I've shared most of our struggles publicly, but some are only known by those closest to us.  The highlights include Matthew's death, Will's struggles, a fight (knock-down-drag-out) to save our marriage, and a failed adoption.  And right now, we're facing two major challenges. One involves Will and the other is deeply personal as well as hurtful to Chip and me.  This is all WAY more than I can bear!  This is straight up spiritual warfare and I'm tired from it.  My family continues to be attacked.  There are many days when I feel like I cannot go on for one more second.  Life just feels too hard!
Can you relate???
Can I get an AMEN?!?!?

But you know what?  God has and is using every one of these things.
Every single one of them.

When I do not have the strength, I have learned to rely on HIS strength.
When I cannot take one more step, I have learned to let HIM carry me.
These lessons have not come easy and I am still learning so many things. Complete surrender is so very hard and I don't know if I'll ever truly get there.  It is a process that will last the rest of my life. 

I've experienced some really dark moments.  I have found myself on my knees (and sometimes on my face) crying out to God to please take it all way.  I've asked "why" more times than I can count.  I've been frustrated with God and I've been truly mad at HIM.  My struggles have been really, really ugly sometimes.

But HE is growing me through all this mess.
And this growth would not be possible without the mess. 

And I think God wants it to be more than I can bear.  HE wants me to completely depend on HIM.  HE wants me to rely fully on HIS strength, not my own.  HE wants to carry me through this.  God never intended for me to do this alone.  Not for one single second.

And I am so incredibly grateful.

My life is more than I can bear.
And, God is so much bigger than all of it.
ALL OF IT.

God. Is. Enough.

Thank you Lord for your unending grace and compassion.
Thank you that your love never fails!

So yes, somebody lied.  
I believe God will give you more than you can handle.  
Then HE will meet you there -
to love you
to grow you
to use you for HIS glory.

It's ugly yet beautiful and it is terrifyingly glorious.

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

~Psalm 55:22

 

A Three Year Journey...It's Only the Beginning

One Thousand Ninety Five Days...
That's how long it's been since I've heard my sweet baby boy's voice, felt his hugs, smelled his hair, known his physical presence. One thousand ninety five days...

Three years ago, January 22, 2010, my life was so "normal" at the start of the day.  I was just a busy wife and mom, doing my thing.  I loved my life. I loved my family. I was blessed and I knew it.

I remember seeing Matthew hugging Chip by the kitchen sink that morning. I remember saying "I love you".  I remember hearing "I love you too!" I remember watching him walk up the sidewalk into school. I wish I had watched a little longer. I remember my last moments of being normal.  And then, late in the afternoon, there was a phone call. The call that changed everything...

That's where the memories get fuzzy.  I remember hearing screams, were they mine? Yes, they must have been.

I remember people, lots and lots of people.

I remember telling Will. I wish I could erase that memory from my mind.

I remember waiting to see Matthew. I would NOT believe it was him until I saw him. Maybe there had been a mistake.

I remember someone giving me his shoes. I still would not believe it. I HAD to see him.

And then, I saw him...
It was true.
My baby boy had left us.
He was gone.
It really was him.
There had been no mistake.
I felt faint and nauseous.
My head was spinning.
HOW could this be happening???
WHY was this happening???
WHAT were we supposed to do now???

The next few days were a blur.  It's impossible to describe what it's like to plan a funeral for your child; except to say it is a living nightmare, truly hell on earth.  We were surrounded with people and love, but somehow, I had never felt so lonely and lost.  And it was only the beginning...

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me

~Psalm 23:4

The day we buried Matthew was only the beginning of our nightmare. Satan was not finished messing with my family. We had many dark desperate moments to endure for almost two years after we lost Matthew. We had to move from our home. We almost lost Will 11 months after Matthew's accident. We had to fight, hard, to save our marriage. The nightmare would not end.

We tried to move forward by starting The Matthew Bellamy Project. The devil turned up the heat.  But still Chip and I believed God led us to start it and we DID NOT give up.

God has used our little non-profit to bless us in so many ways. It has helped to heal our hearts. It has taught us to trust in God and believe in his plan. And, it has helped give purpose Matthew's senseless death.  We may never see the results of what we do. We may never know if a child has been saved because of Matthew's story. But we pray everyday that God will use us and the project for HIS glory.  It is our ministry and as much as we promote gun safety, we also want it to be about the goodness of God .

During those first two years, we had to make a decision of lifelong significance. We had begun the adoption process in 2008. Our hearts desire was to adopt a little girl from foster care. After losing Matthew, we had to take some time and really reevaluate that desire. Eventually, after much prayer and thought we decided to continue with our adoption plans.

This part of our story does not have a happy ending...

There were two little girls we desperately wanted, even believed God had chosen for us.  We waited and waited to see if we would be chosen at their family. But, we were not chosen to be their family and it was another set back.

A short time later, a child was placed in our home. After only a month, the state removed her from our home. There were many issues and it was not a good situation. It was for the best. It broke our hearts non the less.

So, after the death of a biological child and two failed attempts at adoption, we closed the adoption chapter and moved on.

It took me some time to get over the failed adoption. Sometimes I still wonder if I am "over it". But I can see that having a child in our home and then removed taught us a very important lesson. Before she came, I couldn't bare the thought of there just being three of us. I hated the thought!!! I had always wanted more children. All I ever wanted to be was a mommy. After she left, I learned that we ARE okay.  Matthew being ripped from our lives nearly destroyed us. Now the three of us are closer than ever. I can now thank God for a failed adoption.  It was a necessary step in the healing of my family.  Did God intend for her stay with us to be so short? I don't know. But like so many other parts of our story, HE has used it for good (Romans 8:28).

I still think about the child we lost. I pray for her and hope she has found the help she needed.

My mind becomes overwhelmed if I think about those first two years too much. They were so very hard..

but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;  

they will run and not grow weary, 
they will walk and not be faint

~Isaiah 40:31

Last January, we decided to take our first family vacation without Matthew. Will got to choose the destination and he chose the happiest place on earth...Disney World.  We have had many wonderful trips there with our boys. It was a very bittersweet trip. There were so many wonderful memories of Matthew in every corner. But we created so many wonderful new memories also. Another HUGE step in the healing process.  The best moment, and one I will never forget, came when Will looked at me and said "we are finally a family again". Friends, I cannot tell you how many times during those two years I had begged God to restore my family. I honestly did not care about anything else. I just wanted my family back.  My son's words were some of the most precious I have ever heard!

As hard and unbearable as the first two years were, this last one has been one of healing. I can see a huge difference in all three of us. Don't get me wrong, there are still many days of tears and sadness. Sometimes one of us wakes up with what we call "Matthew brain", and there is nothing we can do but roll with it.
The pain is as real today as it was on day one.
We have learned it will never go away.
But neither does God's grace and love.
That's what gets us through the hard moments. And thankfully, there are now more steps forward than backwards.

I still think of Matthew everyday, a lot. I still miss him until it hurts (literally) sometimes. I still don't understand why.  I still want him back. Those things will never change. But I now have a relationship with God I never could have had without these past one thousand ninety five days. The beginning of this journey broke me, completely. There came a moment when I literally had to choose to believe in everything I knew about God or let it all go. It was either all true or none of it was true. I chose to believe. All I know to do is trust in God. Believe he is control. There is NO other option for me.  I cannot travel this journey with the HIM. And because I have trusted HIM, He has revealed himself to me and blessed me in ways I could never have imagined. He has led me on a path I never would have taken without learning to fully rely in HIM after Matthew's death.

So, I'm saying to you now, one thousand ninety five days after I lost my Matthew,  

GOD IS GOOD!

Believe it. 

Trust in it. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. 

~Proverbs 3:4-7

I wish I was not on this journey.
I wish my Matthew was upstairs wrestling with his brother.
I wish I had not seen, heard and felt the things that happened in those first two years.

I wish I did not have this story to tell.

But I am on this journey.
Matthew is not upstairs.
I have seen, heard and felt things you would not believe.

And this is my story...

I pray I am a good steward with what God has entrusted me with. 
Not just today, but for everyday until I see my Matthew again and meet my Savior face to face. 
To God be the glory. Great things He has done!

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

~Revelation 21:4

I love you to the moon and back Matthew...

and even more.