Somebody Lied to Me!

"God won't give you more than you can handle".

Have you ever heard that phrase?
I have...many times.
But my life certainly feels like more than I can handle!

So decided to spend a little time searching to see if there was any Biblical basis for that saying.  You know what???  I couldn't find it!

In 1 Corinthians, the Bible says God will not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear, but it doesn't say anything about not giving us more than we can handle.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind.  And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

~1 Corinthians 10:13

What a relief!!!
Because my life certainly feels like more than I can handle!!! I've been living a Job-like life for almost five years now. The first devastating, put-you-on-your-knees event actually occurred in September 2009 - 4 months before Matthew's death.

And the hits just keep on coming!
I've shared most of our struggles publicly, but some are only known by those closest to us.  The highlights include Matthew's death, Will's struggles, a fight (knock-down-drag-out) to save our marriage, and a failed adoption.  And right now, we're facing two major challenges. One involves Will and the other is deeply personal as well as hurtful to Chip and me.  This is all WAY more than I can bear!  This is straight up spiritual warfare and I'm tired from it.  My family continues to be attacked.  There are many days when I feel like I cannot go on for one more second.  Life just feels too hard!
Can you relate???
Can I get an AMEN?!?!?

But you know what?  God has and is using every one of these things.
Every single one of them.

When I do not have the strength, I have learned to rely on HIS strength.
When I cannot take one more step, I have learned to let HIM carry me.
These lessons have not come easy and I am still learning so many things. Complete surrender is so very hard and I don't know if I'll ever truly get there.  It is a process that will last the rest of my life. 

I've experienced some really dark moments.  I have found myself on my knees (and sometimes on my face) crying out to God to please take it all way.  I've asked "why" more times than I can count.  I've been frustrated with God and I've been truly mad at HIM.  My struggles have been really, really ugly sometimes.

But HE is growing me through all this mess.
And this growth would not be possible without the mess. 

And I think God wants it to be more than I can bear.  HE wants me to completely depend on HIM.  HE wants me to rely fully on HIS strength, not my own.  HE wants to carry me through this.  God never intended for me to do this alone.  Not for one single second.

And I am so incredibly grateful.

My life is more than I can bear.
And, God is so much bigger than all of it.
ALL OF IT.

God. Is. Enough.

Thank you Lord for your unending grace and compassion.
Thank you that your love never fails!

So yes, somebody lied.  
I believe God will give you more than you can handle.  
Then HE will meet you there -
to love you
to grow you
to use you for HIS glory.

It's ugly yet beautiful and it is terrifyingly glorious.

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

~Psalm 55:22

 

Easter Is THE Reason

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

~John 3:16

As far back as I can remember, Christmas was my favorite holiday.  I loved everything about it.  As a Christian, of course I celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ with great joy and thanksgiving.  But I am not ashamed of the fact that I loved and enjoyed all the other "stuff" that comes with Christmas (hello! Christmas cookies).

But one Friday afternoon four years ago changed all that. 

Holidays are painful without Matthew.  They remind me of what is missing.  Matthew loved holidays and without him, it's just not the same.

However since his death, the magnitude and beauty of Easter has become so powerful for me.  Christmas and the birth of baby Jesus is wonderful, but it's only the beginning of the story.  Jesus' death and resurrection three days later is where my hope comes from.  Easter is the reason I will see Matthew again.

It overwhelms me, completely.  I am in tears just typing these words.  I am so unworthy of the gift God has given, yet I have received.

I know the pain of losing a son.  I did not choose for my son to die.  And if I had been given the choice, I would have screamed "NO!!!!!!!!!!".

Yet God loves you and me so very much that He willingly let His perfect son come to earth, become human, be mocked, tortured and abused and finally murdered - all for us.  And because He loves me that much, I get to see my baby boy again.  I get to feel his sweet arms around my neck.  I get to hear him say "I love you to the moon and back mommy". 

I long for that day.  I can't wait for him to take my hand and show me the beauty and majesty of heaven.  I can't wait...
But I have to wait.

And that is why Easter overwhelms me.  It's almost too much.  The magnitude of God's love is almost more than I can handle.

There are no words that I can ever say to thank God for this gift.  I can never earn it nor do I deserve it.  Yet, He has freely given it to me.

So, as you celebrate Easter, remember that Easter is THE reason.

I know many of you may be going through some tough times.  Our family is in a definite time of testing right now.  I urge you though, whatever struggles you are facing, cling to the fact that Easter is THE reason for HOPE.

It seems dark now, but I know how the story ends...
JESUS WINS!

I pray you have a blessed Easter.  And I pray you find hope not only in the beauty of the cross, but in the power of the empty tomb.

He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay.

~Matthew 28:6

Easter 2001

Happy Easter in heaven Matthew.  

I can't wait until we get to celebrate and praise God together!!!

I love you to the moon and back!

~Mommy

How Many Times???

That is the question I am asking God right now.
How many times do I have to give up my dreams?
How many times do I have to dig deep?
How many times do I have to force myself to get out of bed everyday?
How many times do I have to choose hope when it would be so easier to just give up?

How many times???

And the truth is, I have no idea...

Once again, we are in the fire, facing a battle.
And once again, I DO NOT want to do this.

I'm tired of the being in the fire.
I'm tired of battles.
I'm tired of heartache.
I''m tired of having hopes and dreams only to have them come crashing down around me.

I could go on and on about what "I'm tired of..."

And there's no end in sight.

So what am I supposed to do?

I'm going to be honest, this battle is one of the toughest yet.

I have buried a child.
A child I loved and adored.
A child wanted to see grow up.
A child I wanted to send to proms and watch graduate from high school.
A child I wanted to see become a man and have a family of his own.

And I have another child.
And I love and adore him too.
And I had the same dreams for him.
I've already had to give up on some of those dreams and the rest of them are now in jeopardy.

And I hate it.
And I am really mad.
And my heart is broken.

So what am I supposed to do???

I don't know.

Here's what I do know...

GOD IS STILL GOD!
He is still on His throne.
He is still in control.

Right now, my life feels completely out of control.
But I know He is here.
Even in this, He is here.

Don't get me wrong, He and I have had some serious conversations lately.
I've said some things that I've later had to apologize for.
I've questioned Him.
I've asked why.
I've asked when is it enough.
And I've asked, HOW MANY TIMES???

And I still don't have any of those answers.

But, I'm going to keep doing what I've done for the last four years.
I'm going to get up everyday (whether I want to or not).
I'm going to put one foot in front of the other.
I'm going to keep saying "I trust you Lord" (even when I can only whisper it).
I'm going to keep reading His word.
And I'm going to praying to Him.

I don't know how many times.
I don't know how many dreams I'll have to give up.
I don't know how much heartache there will be.
I don't know how this situation will end.
And I don't know what will happen next.

I will continue to believe in Proverbs 3:5:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding

It's all I know to do.

In a moment of despair, God brought this word to me from Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I trust Him and I believe Him.
Even when I don't know

HOW MANY TIMES???